New Taxonomy

"Behold! A man!" -Diogenes of Laertius

You have heard of "Taxonomy" before. It involves many different structured classes of categorization to tell animals what their Gender is. We find this pedantic and boring.

Enter New Taxonomy. Buckle up.

Rules (Advanced and Logically Exacting)

1. All animals have limbs. (ᗄxLx for x = animals)
2. All limbs are for moving things. (ᗄx(Lx → Mx))
3. If an animal uses a limb to move itself, that limb is a leg. (ᗄxᗄy((Lx & Myx) → Fy))
4. If an animal uses a limb to move other things than itself, that limb is an arm. (ᗄxᗄy((Lx & Mx & ~Mxy) → Hy))
5. All legs have feet at the end, and all arms have hands at the end; further, arms cannot function properly without hands, and legs cannot function properly without feet. Therefore, one may properly refer to arms as "hands" and legs as "feet" without feeling the need to stipulate that there is a diffference between the two (The logically well-formed function of this rule is seen as trivial and is left as an exercise for the reader).

Let us proceed to show how these five simple rules for a New Taxonomy completely obliterate and utterly demolish with reckless and legendary abandon the old forms of taxonomy.

Examples

Humans

• Humans have two hands, and two feet. Simple as...
• Except when they are crawling. Then hands are feet.

Birds

• As should be obvious, a bird has four feet. Two wings allow a bird to move itself through the air. This means that, logically, wings must be a kind of feet.
• The limbs which biologists of a more traditionalist bent might call "feet" are actually feet sometimes and also sometimes hands, if the bird is for instance carrying a small rodent or perhaps a particularly witless child.

Fishies

• Following similar lines of thought, a fish has as many feet as fins. Don't believe things you see on Finding Nemo, kids. These fish may be very good at holding their breath, as can be noted from their chosen aquatic habitat, but they could not hold a pencil. Trust me.

Snakes

• A snake is all feet. All of it. All. Of. It. It just makes sense. Are you finally seeing clearly?
• Except when the snake grabs like, a fish or whatever snakes hunt. Then it may pass for something like a tentacle, which is a hand, which brings us to:

Squid/Octopus

• A squid or an octopus, whatever their real name is, can choose to use their tentacles as hands. They propel themselves with occult witchcraft, by blowing water out of their mouths. This makes their mouth a foot. Next.

Elephants

• An elephant has four feet and one hand. That hand is a trunk, which is a kind of tentacle; new taxonomists believe thusly that elephants and octopi and maybe snakes are all related. It is possible that one evolves from the other with certain evolutionary stones or upon trading to another player.

Frogs

• A frog is a complicated creature, but this is not too crazy a critter for the Neo-Taxonomy! (did you like that one? I can do it again if you would like).
• When a frog is swimming, all limbs are feet. Propulsion? Feet. But when above water, it is possible for certain frogs to use their limbs as hands, for grabby-grabby. Anyone who has seen a chameleon knows that they are ALL about grabby-grabby. Allegations aside, since chameleons are a kind of frog, they are also in handy possession of a secret third/fifth hand: their tongue!

The Possibilities are Endless? Are you ready to embrace the new! (?)

I've been informed that corals can move. I guess they have a foot. Wonderful...