Nern

Nerns are those little environmentally-unsound pieces of styrofoam that one used to find in boxes on a routine basis. During their heydey, they were known as packing peanuts, ghost turds, and other nernologically-insensitive terms. In fact, these are technically known as Nerns.

These beings were first identified by a friend of Hank from the Broadside in the ninth grade. But, in the years since then the science of nern classification has reached new heights.

An overview[edit | edit source]

The members of the order of pakaceae are generally polymer based, and often found in large groupings inside 'boxes', also known as kraft paper enclosures (KPE's, hereafter). The ANS generally concerns itself with the family Nernus. The Nernus members are single unit organisms and are, as Dr. Harriet Knoth of the University of Buffalo said, "small" (Knoth, 1982). Compare and contrast these to the Sterns, which are not in the Singlus family. Close inspection reveals that Sterns are, in fact, made up of many tiny units which appear to be held together to produce larger structures, often larger than even the largest Nernus family member. We at the ANS have no idea what the individual members of a Stern are doing so very close to one another, and frankly we don't want to know. Hence, our lack of research in that area. There are, at present, four major Genusi known in the Nernus family: Foamus, Starkus, and Plastus and Fuzzus. The penultimate is the largest group, and the one to garner the most research from the ANS. Each Genus is discussed in another topic here.

Behaviour[edit | edit source]

While it is very common to find groupings of only a single species in a KPE, one not infrequently will find several species from one genus cohabitating in a KPE. Sometimes members from multiple genuses will be found together (for a stirring account of one such find, see "They're all right here!", Weller, 1993).

Names[edit | edit source]

A common question asked of the learned members of the ANS is: "Why the name 'nern'?". Alas, we can't say definitively that we know the answer. In 1990, research found that in the distant past (probably the early 1980's), the friend of a person named Hank from the Broadside wrote an essay about these beings, and gave them the name Nern. This name was passed along in an oral tradition, thereafter, until 1990 when the early ANS (then, the Nernological Institute) started its research. No one knows if this name existed before then, but doctors surveyed reported that most people familiar with the term prefer it over the competition.

Catalog[edit | edit source]

Family: Singulus[edit | edit source]

Genus: Plastus[edit | edit source]

The Genus Plastus is the most common group in the Nernus family. They are identified by having an irregular surface: sometimes smooth and unbroken, sometimes cracked as if split by heat and expansion, and sometimes pitted with dozens of bubble craters. Sometimes all three skin details can be found on a single specimen.

3 nern (fourlessoneus)

A front view of a green 3 Nern
A side view of a green 3 Nern
A front view of a white 3 Nern
A side view of a white 3 Nern
A front view of a pink 3 Nern
A side view of a pink 3 Nern

Bridge Nern (Bridgus)

Green Bridge Nern
Pink Bridge Nern
Turquoise Bridge Nern
Turquoise Bridge Nern
White Bridge Nern
White Bridge Nern
A Bridge and a C Nern
Various Bridge Nerns

C Nern (kernigus)

Side view of a green C Nern
Side view of a green C Nern
Rear view of a green C Nern
Front view of a green C Nern
Side view of a green C Nern
Front view of a pink C Nern
Side view of pink C Nern
Back view of white C Nern

Cradle Nern (krattus)

No remaining samples of this species exist in the ANS archives

Cross Nern (kros)

Side view of a white Cross Nern

E Nern (eeus)

Front view of a green E Nern
Back views of several E Nerns
Side view of several E Nerns
Back view of E Nerns
Front view of E Nerns
Front view of a white E Nern

Eyeball Nern (occulus)

Top view of white Eyeball Nerns
Bottom view of white Eyeball Nerns

Hi Nern (greetus)

Front view of a green Hi Nern
Top view of Hi Nerns
Side view of pink Hi Nerns
Top view of pink Hi Nerns
Top view of a white Hi Nern

Integral nern (ogawdnotkalkulus)

Front view of a white Integral Nern
Side view of a white Integral Nern

J Nern (janus)

Front view of a green J Nern
Side view of a green J Nern
Front view of white a J Nern
Front view of white J Nern
Side view of white J Nern
Side view of a fat white J Nern
Back view of a tall white J Nern
Side view of a tall white J Nern

Pretzel Nern (pretzelus)

Top view of a white Pretzel Nern

Pringles Nern (junkfoodus)

Multiple Pringles Nerns
Top view of multiple Pringles Nerns

S Nern (essus)

Side view of an S Nern
Bottom view of S Nerns
Front view of S Nerns

S (mini) Nern (essus-diminnus)

Rear views of mini S Nerns
Side views of mini S Nerns
Side view of white-pink S Nern
Side view of white S Nern

Spaghetti Nern (stringus)

Side view of white Spaghetti Nern

Squere E Nern ()

Rear view of a Square E Nern
Front view of a Square E Nern
Side view of a Square E Nern

Star Nern (starus)

Side view of a Star Nern
Side view of a Star Nern
Side view of a Star Nern

~ Nern (tildus)

Side view of a green ~ Nern
Side view of ~ Nerns
Side view of a ~ Nern

Y Nern (whyus)

Side view of a white Y Nern
Side view of a white Y Nern

Genus: foamus[edit | edit source]

Only three species of the Foamus genus have been identified. The members of this genus are identified by having a relatively soft surface, and to be very "squishy" (Bryant, 1991). They are resilient and return to an original form unless large pressures are exerted. It's notable that only members of the Foamus genus have been identified with a brownish coloring. Some speculate that Foamus members are actually reborn (recycled) from other materials, though no concrete evidence has been found to support this.

Infinity nern (unendus)

Multiple Infinity Nerns
Side view of multiple Infinity Nerns
Front view of a blue Infinity Nern
Side view of a blue Infinity Nern

Inifinity (solid) nern (unendusfullus)

Front view of Solid Infinity Nerns
Side view of Solid Infinity Nerns
Front view of a brown Infinity (solid) Nern
Side view of a brown Infinity (solid) Nern
Side view of white Infinity (solid) Nern
Side view of white Infinity (solid) Nern
Top view of a white Infinity (solid) Nern

Plug nern (plugus)

Bottom view of a tan Plug Nern
Front view of a tan Plug Nern
Side view of a tan Plug Nern

Genus: fuzzus[edit | edit source]

Fuzzy-ring nern (skrachus)

Side view of a white Fuzzy-ring Nern
Top view of a white Fuzzy-ring Nern

Genus: starkus[edit | edit source]

Starkus is a new genus, having only been noted in the last couple years. It is believed by some that these originated in the offices of Apple Computer, and the ANS feels more research should be exerted to verify this. The members of this family have been found to dissolve in the presence of liquids. Some Nernovours report that the members of the Starkus are considerably easier to chew than a Nern or Foamus, and even have a nearly pleasant taste. Some studies done by the ANS suggest that the Sarkus are made of a starchy substance, akin to common corn starch, rather than the complex polymers that make up the members of the Nernus and Foamus families. Natrually, members of the ANS have not performed such experiments [consuming members of this family], since they would be in conflict with our signing the "Prevention of Cruelty to Nerns and Related Beings" accord of 1990. Preliminary research shows that members of the Starkus genus gradually shrink in size in captivity. The cause of this is not yet known.