Mobility Scooter

Ridin' on 5s! Highly sought after tricked-out custom

Often confused with having a relationship to wheelchairs, mobility scooters are actually the last step in the evolution of the common automobile.

A mobility scooter, Pavement Chariot or MS, is an extra compact passenger vehicle. This type of transportation is most often used to get around public places and cleanly mow bystanders down. Said vehicles can reach a top-speed of 185 mph in only 7.5 seconds.

Types of Drivers

• Elderly: This type of driver is often acknowledged as a stone-cold-pimp. You better recognize the next time you see one ridin'.
• Lazy-ass-motherfuckers: These drivers also use mobility scooters to get around the house. The invention of a waterproof version of the MS sprang from this category of user, since they also shower in their mobility scooter.
• Whippit Addicts: Technically a sub-category of the elderly group, this type of driver hops on a mobility scooter, quickly jabs his or her nostrils with a tube and hits a grocery store to scoot around aimlessly, high as a kite. It is often thought the tube is connected to an oxygen tank, however the reality is 4 times out of 5, the addict is taking in a steady stream of laughing gas from their handy dual-purpose tank of nitrous oxide.
• The Fats: those people who keep on eating until they're wider than they are long favour the use of mobility scooters as a means of procuring consumables. One of the more dangerous types of rider, they often dead-eye people out of the way with their sunken black bag-eyes, while their fat-prototype child dangles listlessly off their 'tache. Miss the dead-eye and expect a bloody heel.

Types of Mobility Scooters

SUV The SUV model of mobility scooters features nice off-road handling, and a partial steel cage, offering a limited amount of paralysis from a likely accident.	Top Down The Top Down model comes with a, well, a top. Protects you from the elements yet offers impaired visibility.	Economy The economy model requires no engine or chair, thus, with some balanced standing and constant peddling, you are very comfortably mobile.

Mobility Scooter Gangs

Tattooed back of a member of the nefarious Mobility Scooter 13, also known as MS 13

These gangs are very similar to biker gangs: in large groups, they ride (as well as drag race) on specially modified mobility scooters. They are heavily tattooed and wear denim and/or leather jackets with gang logos on the back. A formidable appearing gang member with this intimidating look, atop a mobility scooter, is quite a sight to behold.

There is a surging number of notorious MS gangs. The U.S. Prison System now estimates that nearly one third of the inmates in general population belong to MS gangs. The volatile members of these gangs have been known for a sizable amount of violent crimes committed in the United States. The most common kinds of crimes are:

• Intentional hit-and-runs: If a gang member can reach a high enough speed on a mobility scooter, slamming into a victim can hurt like hell. If not, it can certainly leave serious psychological trauma, seeing a mobility scooter gunning for you at full speed before losing conciousness.
• Drive-by shootings: The odds are stacked up against perpatrators of drive-by shootings. Even at night, the assailant can be easily identified sitting in a mobility scooter, as well as being chased down by police. Additionally, the look-out in the "backseat" is typically too uncomfortable to help out.

Based on the widely feared gang, MS 65 (named after the median age of its members), console video game maker Rockstar Games created Grand Theft Auto, West Palm Beach. An overnight sensation, the game depicted several Crazy-ass Geezer characters breaking out of a retirement home, stealing amped-up mobility scooters and raising absolute hell.

When the actual members of MS 65 discovered they had not been consulted nor was offered royalties, they went on a 22 city tour of maiming, looting and torching city downtowns until Army Reserve Forces finally took them out.

Mobility Scooter Tricks

Keeping the kids humble with a modified kickflip

The sport of MS tricks is now considered the largest draw to the X Games. The skill and practice needed to pull off sweet jumps with a mobility scooter easily surpass that of what is needed for the petty stunts on a skateboard or dirt-bike. More than half of the participants in the MS freestyle category end up seriously injured.

Track-based Mobility Scooters

Excuse me, comin' through.

This new technology allows for MS based pedestrians to dart around public areas, using newly laid down tracks, much like a train on a railroad. The new mobility scooters made especially for the tracks will be able to reach speeds of 300 mph and have a limited ability to apply brakes. Within the next two years, Boston, New York City, San Franscisco and Chicago all plan to complete adding millions of miles of track, twisting on and around public walk-ways.

Pavement Chariotism

Scientologist Stephen Hawking showcases the PimpGrandaddy XXRII behind the scenes at the Pavement Chariot Tournament 2006.

As well as being used for trick ridin', shoppin' and other cool stuff like that, Mobility Scooters are also reknowned for The Annual Pavement Chariot Tournament, in which aggressive pensioners and cripples vie in jousty battles for the coveted title of SUPER MASTER PAVEMENT CHARIOTEER. Before the tournament, competitors get down and dirty, customising their everyday Mobility Scooters into death-bringing Pavement Chariots capable of bringing death to the otherwise hardy elderly, infirm and diabetic. In 1997 the Pavement Chariot Tournament Association had to ward off harsh criticism as it moved into number one spot as "most fatal sport" with a massive 47% of competitors succumbing, overtaking that year Ultimate Suicide Base Jumping. It has remained in the top spot to date and yearly must deal with event protestors who chant arhythmic slogans such as "The old are for telling war stories, not waging war" and "Cool it, Grandma."

Anatomy of a Mobility Scooter

The Future of the Scooter

A pensioner charging his nuclear Mobility Scooter seems ominously familiar to shoppers at Meadowhall

Scientists have recorded alarming data suggesting that the future of the Mobility Scooter may parallel the history of the Daleks out of Dr. Who. Masterminded by the reknowned scientologist Prof. Stephen Hawking, founder of Hawkwind, the plan is to fuse Mobility Scooters with Cold-Fusion fusion, creating the first of a new breed of super-scooters. Attachments, starting as upgrades to Pavement Chariot weapons, could soon include tazers, lazers and razors, making the elderly, cripple or spastic far more powerful than a regular human being. Life support systems and cocoon-like all-enclosing body armour could mean that the biggest threat to civilization is not corporate banking or mindless sensationalism as some have predicted, but a new race of cyborg Mobility Scooter Warriors intent on barging people to death off the pavement.