Moa
The Moas are large, sexy, flightless birds that are native to New Zealand. They are unique in having no wings, not even small wings, unlike other ratites. Although a lack of wings may seem rather embarrassing, many scientists have discovered that the Moa does not appear to have an ego. Moa are often silent and can seem quite innocent, even cute. However, once their target's attention is drawn to them they'll often attack, breathing fire from their mouthes or crushing their aggressors between their deadly jaws. They will also attack when provoked, provocation including comments such as "look at that stupid Moa", "oh, it's just a Moa" or "Come get some Moa". Moas are God's gift to earth.
About[edit | edit source]
The Moa is a beautiful bird that everybody loves. If you know someone who doesn't like Moas, please report them to the FBI. This Moa love is derived by their pure beauty. The Moa is commonly sighted as a "the most dangerous bird" due to their pure physical beauty leading to cardiac arrest in any humans observing, and some scientists believe this is a key reason for population decline. Moa is often found in everyday life, even working in a job. It is often seen sponging off other people. Funnily enough the moa will allow people to criticise or insult it (although it will not care) and not attack them if it is talking or doing work.
Moas are fond of surfing.
The Moa is why the indigenous population was held back technologically, because they continuously show up whenever someone is doing something useful in order to tell "Moa jokes". If victims of moa jokes do not laugh politely, or are even foolish enough to insult the moa, they are instantly attacked. Some examples of Moa jokes include:
- You guys are no moa fun.
- Moa ovaltine, please!
- One moa time, we're gonna celebraa-ate oh yeah all right let's get to dancing...
- The moa the merrier!
Moa Cults[edit | edit source]
Many humans have been observed to collectively form "Moa Cults"; or in other words, spaces for collective worship and shitposting about this beloved ratite. These can come in the forms of real-life shrines, discord servers, and repeatedly emailing world leaders about the Moa and its glory.
Examples[edit | edit source]
One Notable Moa cult is "Moa Cult". Cult activities have been observed to be that typical of a Moa Cult.
Behavior[edit | edit source]
Moa Cultists participate in many different behaviors differing from a normal Human. Some key examples include:
Moa-Fication: Naming actions after the Moa. Examples: "Moa-Burger" (In reference to any burger-like food), "Moa Nest" (Bed).
Moa-ism: This is the mandatory religion of all Moa Cultists. Beliefs include:
- God is a Moa
- Ratites are divine
- The Moa is flawless
- Elephant Birds are creations of Satan.
Followers of Moa-ism must scream "ALL HAIL THE MOA GOD" as loud as possible (in caps-lock in the case of a digital cult) at least one time a day, but many followers have been documented to say it multiple times throughout the day, perhaps as a dedication to their faith.
Slander of Elephant Birds: Moa-ism followers have an undying hatred for Elephant Birds within their soul. Common insults include:
- Fat Shaming: "Elephant Birds are fat as fuck"
- Fat Shaming: "Elephant Birds are obese"
- Fat Shaming: "Elephant Birds are really heavy"
John Moa 2024 Presidential Campaign[edit | edit source]
John Moa ran as an independent candidate in the United States 2024 Presidential Election.[1] Unfortunately, nobody voted for John Moa. This is considered a great tragedy by most historians.
Diet[edit | edit source]
Although moa attacks on humans are common, its diet is unknown. It is, however, believed to have acquired a taste for Maori flesh. For days it can seem they're just hiding behind a bush without eating or drinking, only to leap out and devour a passing Maori without warning. A moa's stomach has never been dissected because all the scientists that try to catch a moa end up with a moa beak through their skull, which is knowledge popularised by the saying "That's about as fun as getting beaked through the head".
Moa Safety[edit | edit source]
The moa's habitat is one where it can hide itself. This can mean underground, in buildings, behind moa statues or in the bush. You never know when a moa might show up, so you'd better be careful.
Look carefully into every room before entering!
Attack patterns of the Moa[edit | edit source]
These are the attack patterns of the moa.
- Hidden phase: The Moa is hidden and/or unseen.
- Innocent phase: The Moa is viewable and may initiate conversation. If this happens attack phase three is cancelled unless provoked by insults, or poor response to Moa Jokes.
- Attack phase: The Moa opens its mouth and attacks with fire breath OR jaws. Usually their eyes often look angry, the head becomes inflated and has an angry expression on its face in this phase. Be careful, or you will end up beaked through the head.
See also[edit | edit source]
- ↑ JohnMoaForPresident.com