Lovebug
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As if Southerners don't have it bad enough, what with all the crocodiles and panthers and all those other animals just waiting to kill you, they have to contend with the absolute most obnoxious creatures on the face of the Earth (besides Jehovah's Witnesses of course). I mean, why does Florida even exist? Love bugs give all those middle eastern countries a good reason to bomb the hell out of America. Worse than that, they're breeding. That means they're gonna need food, and lots of it. Yeah, I mean, at first they'll start with kittens and work their way up to midgets, but eventually, they'll have to start taking humans! Don't worry, I'm sure the government's got something up their sleeve, right? Right?!
Morphology[edit | edit source]
As every smart Southern citizen knows, love bugs were the result of a horrible biological experiment gone wrong (thanks, University of Florida). The fact that they have no natural enemies stems from their impressive arsenal of bio-mechanical weaponry (kinda like a real-life Metal Gear?) This is a rough sketch of two love bugs in Dual-Destruction Mode:
Love bugs, contrary to their name, hate you very much; and as such, will continue to find new ways to destroy you and your entire society, not to mention the world. One of these methods is the common "fly-into-windshield-and-splatter-their-gooey-entrails-everywhere approach", which more often than not results in the driver of said vehicle crashing violently into some sort of gas station, thereby destroying everything in a fiery explosion within a radius of approximately 12 miles.
Love bug venom has enough acidity to melt human flesh, and they will not hesitate to use it. And God help you if you ever step into their Kill Zone, because after that, there's no going back. And basically, the Kill Zone is anywhere they can see you, so uh...yeah, you're screwed.
Habitat[edit | edit source]
Love Bugs have kept to the Southern United States since their creation, living off the local population of saltwater crocodiles. But it won't be long before they spread their sovereignty over the entire expanse of the known world, swallowing it up like a black cloud of death. This scenario will undoubtedly bring about many changes, most notably:
- World War VI
- Biblical Apocalypse
- Hindu Apocalypse
- Buddhist Apocalypse
- Ragnarök
- Armageddon
- another Zork sequel (eek!)
They're Breeding![edit | edit source]
That's right. What do you expect from a creature that buttfucks twenty-four hours a day? What's worse, they're getting even deadlier every generation (thanks, Darwin!--asshole), so better stock up on provisions, and it might be time to get that 12-gauge out. And I hear that neighbor kid's trying to sell off his RPG Launcher again--you know kids these days.
Most of all, remember: Love bugs do not die. Keep this in mind as you're spraying your Raid in desperation at a swarm of oncoming Mecha-Insects. I know all too well what happens then...And, if one of them aims a missile at you, don't worry--it'll be quick and painless. Mostly.