Lettucianism
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*I no longer care what you do to this page anymore because I'm too lazy finish it. Delete it if you want.*
Eons ago[edit | edit source]
Lettuce[edit | edit source]
Lettuce is an ancient force which had created itself using a time paradox before time was actually a thing. It's essence takes the form of the plant which we grow on Earth, many other planets, and the force itself as stars. Despite the fact that it's less nutrient dense than cabbage, it is more powerful. It in fact, created the Grefinicube itself, which rests at the center of the universe and projects the life force of eternity. Legends say if you get close enough, you will discover the secret to eternal health. However, the Earth actually exists at the end of the universe, so humans never will. But stars, if you look close enough, are noticeably covered with eyes, which the modern unenlightplend call sunspots. They watch you, and determine if you are worthy of existing. They decide what sperm wins and who is born and when. They decide what planets should be created. They decide when they are born and when they die. They are all one in body, through the 4th dimension, and many in mind. The Lords Of Lettuce work in mysterious ways.
Ean[edit | edit source]
The Great Prophet Ean, Father of Lettuce, created the mammalian brain in the image of the head of lettuce. Wearing a sacred bead necklace of any kind anywhere on your body is considered a sign of respect. Ean is the Parent Of Lettuce in this universe.
Not as Long Ago, but Still Ancient History[edit | edit source]
The Onion Rebellion[edit | edit source]
Also known as the War of Layers, the Onion Rebellion was caused by a dispute over green and white bead necklaces.
The Funion Rebellion[edit | edit source]
The Funion Rebellion was caused due to the Onionists splitting into 2 different groups; the Funions and the Onions. The Funions were Onionists who wanted to return to the ways of Lettuce, as the War of Layers had caused them to change their beliefs. They had become Head Folk, enlightplend leaf folk, but the Onions still had control over the legion. In the beginning of the Funion rebellion, they asked peacefully to leave the clan. By necessity, they were asked why, and as they were still technically Onionists, they had to tell the truth to their Higher-Ups. The other Onionists did not want to lose members to the Lettucianists, so they were refused resignation. They were in a torn state; they wanted to change their ways, but could not, by oath. Sturdy and crunchy, like good lettuce, but still fundamentally onion. And yet they retained a quality of their own; flakiness. Hence the Funions. Eventually they began boycotting the Emperor's and the Empress's food supply, only allowing them to eat half of what they originally could. As the Onionists were harsh but fair, the Emperor and Empress only got half of what the citizens of their clan got. For months they assumed it was the rats that lived in the walls, but the Onionists could not kill them, due to rules on respect for their religion. Of course, the Funions did this on purpose, but then realized that their oath didn't really mean anything, and left to join Lettucianism without a trace. They were accepted and were all eventually promoted to Head Folk, Worshipper, and Scribe classes. In the meantime, the Emperor and Empress resigned, as their stomachs couldn't take it anymore. After the new Emperor and Empress were elected, the Clan fell apart due to their poor experience in ruling and no suggester, and eventually the city crumbled into ruins. The Onion clan was no more.
Jeff The Maria The Kaleb The Sam[edit | edit source]
There was once a famed Builder/Designer/Worshipper/Scribe that went by the name of "Jeff The Maria The Kaleb The Sam," more commonly known as "The Chosen Ones" who was originally four people, one of each job. Two women and two men. It was a group of only 5 people, and they traveled the world constantly. After 27 years of their coming together, they had traveled far and wide around the planet. When they were trying to find a good place to build a Church Of Lettuce, the Sativa was trampled to death by a horde of ostriches that were chasing a small pack of desert lions that owed them money. His last words were "Remain faithful in Lettucianism, for my death happened for a reason. I have lived long enough and traveled to the ends of the Earth with you. Good luck to you on your journey. Hedeymen." and then his rib cage fell apart with perfect timing for no apparent reason. Over the course of 7 months, the group of 4 got into more and more arguments, until they agreed to disband and continue being mutual friends if they ever met again. They branched off and had their own lives, each started a small lettuce farm to stay true to their beliefs, and all lived for exactly 96 years. Then something remarkable happened. They grew True souls. The souls were evenly balanced in every way, and became known as the Souls of Yin and Yang. They were the first in this universe to grow True souls that were not Great Prophets, and the first in this universe to grow True balanced souls. They reincarnated into the same species and even remembered their past life, and used that only to devote more time to Lettucianism. Once again, they lived to exactly the same ages, except they grew to 97. The Lords of Lettuce believed that these four had potential, and this process repeated three more times, until they each lived to the age of 100. Their souls finally merged in the end, and they became The Ultimate Being in the next life. They were one in body and many in mind, just as were The Lords of Lettuce. They became the first Lord of Lettuce to interact directly within the physical realm of our planet, and built the Temple Of Lettuce, to rest and meditate eternally. It was placed in a jungle only the most devoted Prophets and Sativas can enter. And those who do must complete the 5 Trials of Layers, after which they will be able to create the Head of Plasma, the original kind of lettuce that was forced into a less nutrient rich slightly more edible form to exist in this universe's physical realm. No one knows what the 2nd-5th trials are, as no one has made it past the first.
The Temple Of Lettuce[edit | edit source]
As described above, it was the final resting place of The Ultimate Being/Earthly Lord, and was built in a jungle which most cannot find their way in or out alive. It was made using hyper-compressed romaine lettuce leaves, and it's supports using the lettuce cores. The Earthly Lord built it instantly, and before built many great Churches of Lettuce.
Trial One You must ride the Lettuce Iceberg (Looks and tastes like iceberg lettuce) across the River of Longness (It's longteen longefied longnessess long) to Mount Letucima. For some reason, somehow all of this is inside the Temple of Lettuce.
Trial Two Presumably climbing Mount Letucima, but most people die of starvation on the first trial because the iceberg only goes about 0.05 mph, so no one knows.
Trial Three There is a tunnel you can make out just behind the mountain, which is almost definitely related to trial 3, but it is not yet known how.
Trial Four ???
Trial Five You shove an onion up your ass. Don't ask how I know this.
Ranking System[edit | edit source]
Higher Classes[edit | edit source]
The Parents Of Lettuce- There is only one per universe per eternity, and if they are gone, there are none. Ean is the Father Of Lettuce for this multiverse and will be until the end of this eternity. The Father or Mother Of Lettuce is always the first Great Prophet. The Parents Of Lettuce spread enlightenplent across the universe and determine who the chosen ones are of the closest universe in doing so. The Father or Mother of lettuce will know if they are chosen. The Parents of Lettuce choose the second Great Prophet and the next Great Prophet.
The Great Prophet- The highest gainable class, the Great Prophet chooses the next Great Prophet replacement for after they die, because they must take Prophet responsibility for the rest of their life when chosen. There can be two Prophets at a time per universe, both of which must be the same species. They determine who the next 5 Sativa will be, and form groups of fellow Lettucianists of any number.
Sativa- Choose Worshippers, Scribes, Designers, and Builders of the group. They can branch out and form groups of their own, but cannot become Prophets unless chosen by The Prophet.
Middle Classes[edit | edit source]
Builders, Designers, and Scribes are equal, and they are above Worshippers. Worshippers are above Head Folk and leaf folk. Head Folk is above leaf folk.
Designers- Design Churches of Lettuce
Builders- Build Churches of Lettuce
Scribes- Write sections of The Bible of Lettuce
Worshippers- Worship in the Churches of Lettuce, and give offerings of bird, lizard, and mammal meat to the shrine at the back of the Church of Lettuce. Amphibians and fish are considered sacred and cannot be sacrificed.
Head Folk- Enlightplend leaf folk. Classes below this class you do not capitalize the first letters of names unless at the beginning of a sentence.
Leaf Folk- Average citizens; usually unenlightplend
Lower Classes[edit | edit source]
Letuca- The lower jobbed peoples; factory workers, farmers
Onion Folk- Beggars; literal bums
Piles Of Ass- Those who are disliked by all in one group and are leaf folk or lower in class. Never enlightplend.
