Kyle Sandilands
Kyle Sandilands (birth name Kyle Sandilandarse) is the result of a genetic experiment gone horribly wrong. Chinese scientists were attempting to create human sperm that could talk, so it could move itself to the fields to be used as fertiliser. Unfortunately the sperm they used was exposed to the radio waves of a Don Rickles broadcast being monitored in the mistaken belief that Richard Nixon was using it to send coded messages to the Chinese leadership.
Desperate to avoid being shot for their miserable failure, the Chinese scientist sent the human/faeces/Don Rickles cross to Australia, in revenge for Australia's participation in the Korean and Vietnamese Wars, where it was presented to a young woman incapable of conceiving.
The young woman was delighted to have something that would love her unconditionally, and named the piece of faeces "Kyle", after a Polish word meaning "bullying, thuggish scumbag, probably an informant for the Russian-controlled secret police".
The young Sandilands went on to a successful career in radio hosting, having previously had his morals removed.
On July 29 2009, Sandilands thought it would be funny and cool to get a mother to interrogate him on air about his sex life. Kyle revealed he had been raped by Jacky Chan, his penis was only 2cm long, and he suffered premature ejaculation. Luckily, it wasn't Sandilands' fault so that's totally cool and everyone should just, like, get over it.
Kyle's main hobby is being a complete dickhead. A few of Kyle's many other hobbies are: attending gay marching ceremonies, ghosting fat people, making raunchy camel sex videos, tending to his menstruation cycles and generally being a douche. He can be seen walking around with that fucking stupid hairdo trying to be a mad cunt. If you see him down the street he should be kicked right in that microscopic scrotum of his ass.
