John T. Standley

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Thar he be

John T. Standley (born June 6th 1966) is the Pirate Queen of the pharmaceutical tugboat known as the "USS Rite Aid". He is known as the 18-bit moon cap'n, as the moonlight reveals his hideous form to his shipmate shareholders. Despite being thrown overboard (like the sorry thieving scallywag he be) by his right-hand man the non-puppet/totally-a-real-boy Pinocchio Bodaken, he carries on with his mad captainry.

He is an excellent negotiator. This is why the institutionalized drunkards voted him in. He took a $180 per share offer and saw it lowered to $3.60 with a little help from his spinoff Caribbean moonlight voodoo werebuddies at the FTC and Cerberus Capital Mgmt, who have managed to since make their offer of $3.60 for a $40 stock only shy by, oh, about $2.40 or so.

He is an excellent planner. When his stock was at 99 cents, he decided to issue a reverse 20-to-1 split to get it above a dollar and it now sits at $6.00 and falling precipitously. That's before you divide by 20, but who likes math? Not John T. Standley. He preferes real money. He likes communicating with shareholders and delivering value.

Captain Standley enjoys long walks on the beach, hanging around where he is clearly unwanted, vandalizing his own Wikipedia article, and collecting increasing bonuses despite his wanton disregard for icebergs and mad voyages to sail off the ends of the earth and render all of his shipmates holding naught but worthless plankton and the hope of a bittersweet death by the rough toothy loving of mermaids.