View source for Jew/Classic

{{Offensive}}
{{Jewish}}
{{Un-Islamic}}
[[File:Jewbacca.jpg|250px|thumb|[[Jewbacca]] (a typical Jew) remembering the six billion]]
{{Q|They started off as a joke.|[[Yahweh]]|the Jews}}
{{Q|''Jawohl.'' (Yeah, what he said.)|[[Hitler|Adolph]]}}

'''Jews''', more commonly known as '''''die Juden''''', generally whine and complain about anything and everything and have a habit of sending others to fight their wars for them, similar to Koreans, and Europeans, and like "antisemites" see themselves as perpetual victims. For thousands of years they had to pay special taxes to Christian and Muslim Governments, and were the only group in the USSR who had to have their religion stamped on their passport, they have the tendency to constantly ask for handouts from the US government in the form of Holocaust reparations (or any government for that matter) when they are very well capable of supporting themselves, and there has truly never been a poor Jew. But do not mention this to them, because their response will automatically be some babble about a [[Norse]] mythology called "[[Holocaust]]" and antisemitism. According to the mythology way more Russians died during the holocaust, though the Russian Government of the time was actually in combat with Germany, and no-one has ever seen the other Russians complaining about it, (don't look when they do) certainly not nearly as much as the Jews anyhow (all Jews are Russian). That is, however, the general nature of the Jew; whining and complaining day and night and milking things until eternity, as long as it can get them some cash and make them have their way in the world. After all there is no business like Holocaust business. Jewish humour also requires them to be self effacing, to such an exaggerated level you sometimes will be incapable of knowing where the self hating Jew ends and the British antisemite begins. 
{{Factoid|The Jew is a docile creature when left alone, but beware.<br>You should never approach an unfamiliar Jew within a mile's radius of a national bank.}}

==What is a Jew?==
{{Jew}}

Jews have very big noses. It is scientifically determined that they can smell [[money]] better than normal [[people]]. This is mainly used as a money-detector. It is also used to obtain more [[air]] due to its low cost.

Scientists conclude that they heil from parts of [[Israel]], [[Germany]], [[UK]], [[Syria]], [[Algeria]], and [[Poland]].

During a recent study, it was also confirmed that Jews did not originate on Earth. The first Jew to come to the Earth landed here from the moon about 3,500 years ago. Since then, the entire species has migrated to Earth. However, every twenty-seven years, Jews return to the moon to breed. Other than that, they have cut all ties to their place of origin.

==What's that on their heads?==	
These are called "Jew-beanies" (also Yid Lids, Targets if you're German, Kippot if you're actually Jewish, Yarmulkes if you think you know what you're talking about, or Skull-Caps if you're a fucking moron). They are universal in size, but varied in style. The more elegant Jew may wish to decorate his/her Jew-beanie with ornaments, such as beads and mirrors to compensate for the Christmas Tree. Young Jews regularly nag their parents for a more stylish Jew-beanie ("Mummy can I have that Jew-beanie? Malachi has it!"), and this is understandable, as the more maxxed the Jew-beanie, the more powerful the Jew, and consequently no more Jew-to-Jew name calling in the local synagogue. On top of that, a "tricked out" Jew-beanie causes for Jew women, or sex-bags not to like you, maintaining your faith and loyalty to the rabbi.		

Also, these caps become handy in times of conflict. As they have paper-thin edges along the rim of the skull piece, they are ideal throwing weapons. One simply tosses the hat like a [[Frisbee]] at their foe and stands back as they watch their opponent become decapitated by their Jewish wrath. For example, "Kung Lao" from [[Mortal Kombat]]. Or [[Oddjob]] from [[James Bond]] are both famous Jews.

Another abstract object on a Jew's head may be what is known as the Jew fro. These are messy and unruly and are among the top{{SP}}3 nastiest types of fros, trailing only ginger fros and fros of darkness.

==Jewish food==
The Jewish have a thriving food culture. Most Jews are required by law to eat crackers and sugarless soda. Their most popular dish is crackers in soup which is called Matzo-ball soup (tastes just as good as it looks). There is a very special relationship between food and Jewish festivals: "They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!" summarizes almost every Jewish festival.

Non-[[kosher]] food of the type above is totally unacceptable.

There is also a secret formula called manna, a suspected variation of Jew Bread, but the properties are still not well known. It is said to make one completely invincible to one's enemies; unfortunately, it also temporarily ruins one's vision.

Since Jews are disciplined and scrupulous, food is generally expensive, most Jews tend not to even eat that much, but rather sell food; this has been a very, very lucrative industry, especially with the inclusion of kosher taxes.

Another Jewish delicacy of the bread type is "Moolah Bread" which was found in Poland and Germany from 1940-1945. The main ingredient is diamonds, gold, or any available currency (not money) at the time. Unfortunately, the recipe was lost when Nazis choked and died thinking they were "Jew" enough to eat the almighty Moolah Bread.

Jews have also been used as food through out [[Poland]] and are the main ingredient in Polish Sausage.

The blood of Christians used to be a favorite with Jews, but has recently been almost abandoned. The average Jew today engages in vampirism only on holidays and special occasions. Bagels are the staple food of us Jews. Specifically, they like to eat bagels. The way a Jew eats a bagel denotes their class in their synagogue.
*Simple congregation members commonly eat plain bagels.
*Members who have made small donations to the synagogue may eat toasted bagels.
*The higher echelons of Jews, and those who made large donations, can eat toasted bagels with cream cheese.
*Only the rabbi and other very important religious figures may eat lox on their bagels.

Also known as a new delicacy of the Jews is [[pork]] and shellfish bread, known for its aphrodisiac qualities.
That was in the Torah too although it was conveniently omitted from the English transliteration. That is why reform Jews don't usually follow this rule.
[[File:jewhat.jpg|thumb|left|150px|A medium ranking hat]]

==Hierarchy==
Jewish communities have a strong hierarchical structure. A Jew is essentially ranked by the amount of [[Bagels]] he can fit into his hat. The lowest ranking Jews have small skullcaps in which only a thin slice of bagel or smoked salmon would fit. A higher ranking Jew could fit up to four or five bagels into his hat, with maybe a few fish balls as well. Therefore the rank of a Jewish man can be construed from the size of his hat. 

[[Abraham Lincoln]] was a very high ranking Jew, with some historians stating his hat could contain up to eight bagels, a small challah roll and several fishballs. Lincoln is outranked only by the Cat in the Hat who is estimated to have a hat size of at least fifteen bagels with space to spare for latke and chicken soup.

The hats of some Jewish men appear to rest too high on their heads. That is because they consider themselves to be more important than they are and thusly have overstuffed their hat with bagels.

All good practicing Jews will keep a good store of bagels in their hat at all times. These bagels can then be used as a convenient snack or to throw like a shuriken at attacking Egyptians or Palestinians.

==Games==
According to behavioral scientist Dr. Eric T. Cartman, Jews always play stupid games. Cartman concluded from his studies that Jews were lame, because of the stupid games. Dreidel is the gayest thing ever, yodeled [[Cartman]].
Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel (JEWS) I made you out of clay (they are lame), Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel (JEWS) I got something I can play (and their Jewish games).

Unfortunately for Dr. Cartman and other gentile fools, the game of dreidel is actually a form of gambling in which Jews win and goyim lose. The only thing Jews love more than stealing money, hoarding money, and cutting their babies' penises, is tricking non-Jews into just giving them money. Since most Jews take off their horns when not in Elders of Zion meetings, they often look just like normal people. Jews then use this to their advantage by convincing goyim they are just like them. They then use Jewish guilt and fear of looking like anti-Semites to convince their non-Jewish friends to lose all their money to them by spinning a little top. The Bellagio and MGM Grand Casinos in Las Vegas are currently expanding to include dreidel tables to make more money to buy more US Congressmen. They intend to open the tables to the public as soon as they come up with adequate security to prevent dreidel counting.

==Sex lives==
[[File:Michelangelo_pwnd.jpg|thumb|left|This explains a lot.]]

'''Jews''' invented the birth control pill, because getting circumsised leaves their [[penis]]es small, fragile and unable to wear a [[condom]]. Jews tend to mate during the night because by day they are [[vampire]]s. Jews currently hold lowest sex drive of any race today, when extra-marital affairs, number of children, and number of (living) divorcees are input into the National Ovarian Pondering Evaluation (index). Jews will continue to follow this pattern, scientists predict, until the Jew discovers how to masturbate [[Premarital wanking|as Christians do]] with their circumsised penises, and acquire even larger savings. Jews will also lose their strength and outstanding good physique that they are born with, if born by Cesarean section. Plus, Jews love to count their pennies: If a Jew has the opportunity he will count five dollars out in pennies. ("Five hundred pennies, all ova her titties{{SP}}...")

==Ashkenatzim==
[[File:Jewsyoulose.jpg|thumb|The creators of Hollywood in their natural habitat]]

[[British|Ashkenazic Jews]] (pronounced "Ari Kalfus"): Known popularly as "International Jews", "Hollywood Jews" or "New York Bankers", brag about how white they are, but don't let that fool you. The [[KKK]] would know who's white or not! 

These Jews are known for being [[Mafia|businesslike]] and cultured. Their favored pastimes include [[capitalism]], [[communism]] (as in [[Karl Marx]]), fussing, [[Philosophy|philosophizing]], networking, making Tay-Sachs babies, [[comedy]], and complaining. 
 		
Well known Ashkes include [[Mel Brooks]], [[Superman]], director [[Steven Spielberg]], [[Albert Einstein]] (inventor of the light bulb, which he stole from Tesla to get back at him for what he said about the unfeasibility of nuclear energy), [[Steve Ballmer]], wacky inventor Simon Bar Sinister, [[Jerry Seinfeld]], the mass murdering sandwich maker and full time hockey goalie Greg Goldberg of The Mighty Ducks, [[William Shatner|Captain Kirk]], Kirk Douglas, the Super Sheister (SS) Commander of the Star Fleet Of The Son Of Sam-David Berkowitz, Joy "Undercover Jew, False [[Italian]] Impersonator" Behar of mainstream Jew-run media show ''The Jew'', [[Harrison Ford]], Murray from "Goodfellas", famous monkey trainer and world class talented organ grinder player Rahm Emanuel, evil shyster and Sav-A-Lot store creator Bernie Madoff. (Notice the last name{{SP}}... coincidence? I don't think so.)

There are at least four sub-categories, these classifications are based primarily on income level, or '''jew point''':

'''Yids''' (this is a generic term for Ashkenazim with an annual income below 100,000, most are lovable and wise realists, but most often have to contend with a lot of nervous disorders and bad luck. they are also the first ones attacked by the Cossacks in the fun-loving programmes, see "[[Larry David]]"). 

(Ashkenazim with incomes beyond 100,000 though most often earn far more than that, these guys are pretty tough and tend to control a lot of things, many of them are actually [[gangster]]s, they also tend to dislike anyone not of "our crowd", including other types of Jews, especially low class Yid Ashkies, most if not all are also [[Freemason]]s). 

This is a generic term for Ashkenazim with an annual income at least beyond $1,000,000 (rarely below) $1,000,000 though most often receive far, far more than that, most are lovable and wise realists or sometimes cheats. These people are pretty tough and tend to control allot of things, many Note, one can tell most Yiddish by their names, most, like the Sephardim have Biblical surnames, such as Elijah, David, Jacob, Abraham, Elizabeth, Deborah, Rebecca, and Michael. Also [[Hebrew]]/[[Yiddish]]-related surnames such as Heller, Medford, Goldman, Keller, Rothman, Goldberg, Newton, Schwartz, Goldstein, Rothstein, Goodman, Silverstein, and as well as Freeman.

'''GothJew''' (see [[Gnostic]]), usually the rebellious children of Kikes, many of them try to piss their parents off by becoming Messianic, [[Anarchist]]s or Neo-Nazis; see ''The Believer'', the smarter ones however become [[communist]]s{{SP}}– or better yet, Anti-Masonic Socialists. See also: [[Self-hating Jew]] and Prominent Nazi leaders.

'''Non-practicing Jew''' (Jews by race) They are also known for their brilliant innovations within the Jewish faith by inventing the successful sects of [[Islam]],[[Christianity]], [[Atheism]], [[Freemason]]ry, and communism (both based on [[Kabbalah|Kabbalism]], a Khazar religion). Also, one must not forget of the Temple Of Gentile Enslavement also known as The Carnegie Deli.

'''Hebe''' (see [[Hebrew]]), another polite term for "God's chosen people".

'''Ninjew''' ([[Ninjew]]) (The skilled and secretive jew warriors, who excel in the arts of assassination and sneakiness. They are single handedly responsible for the death of [[Hitler]]). They may also have played a role in the deaths of President [[John F. Kennedy]] and his assassin [[Lee Harvey Oswald]]. For more info, watch Eric Bana in "Munich".

'''Other''' breeds of jews are the '''mitzrakhevim''' and the '''microsephalic'''.
[[File:Jude.jpg|thumb|left|195px|If you join their club, you get this cool badge.]]

==Sephardic==
Sephardic Jews, or SuperJews, are close to the original Mizrahi Jews but slightly Africanized ([[African]], [[Spanish|Hispanic]] and/or [[Arabic]]), making these Jews ferociously militant people who will not stop until they get the job done. Some have been deemed to have extraordinary powers, but after [[World War&nbsp;II]] this myth was tragically disproven. This is expressed most explicitly in the hard-nosed investigative reporter, [[Geraldo Rivera]], whose no-nonsense demeanor has made him one of the best Jewish reporters of this century! Also among those greats are [[Benjamin Disraeli]], [[Zorro]], and perhaps the greatest Jew who ever lived, as well as [[Jewbacca]].

Their traditions include the mystical musical tradition of ''Flamenco'', which they use during [[Torah]] recitals, [[Yoga]], also used during Torah recitals, and [[Judo|Jew-Do]], which they ''allegedly'' invented.		

They enjoy fighting for [[truth]], [[justice]], and the [[American]] way, and are also good chefs, specializing in [[ethnic]] cuisine, as well as being managers of numerous stores and of various concerns.

==Jew powers==
By normal growth there should be billions of Jews by now.

However, Jews are known to have a variety of powers to enable them to steal vast amounts of money. The most famous power is the Jewish Nose, which can sniff out any and all money you have on you or had on you, this includes credit cards, checks, and various other sources of income. A little known power of the Jews is the Jew claw that enables them to steal without any evidence. However this can be easily deflected by the "Block away" technique demonstrated by Borat. The other power, which may not be the most famous but certainly the most deadly, is simply known as "The Argument". Beware of such the attack, as you will not win no matter what. The only other creature deadly enough to challenge the Jew to "The Argument" is the [[Greek]]. It is unknown why the Jews did not use their powers to overcome the Nazis but it is speculated that the Nazis had some kind of Jew repellent codenamed "Hitler" The powers of Jews are still being explored by scientists. Most notably Einstein has made the most progress in this area though progress has slowed down considerably since his death. Hopefully in time we will understand from where the Jew powers originated.
*They go to buy groceries at Ralph's, where it's all kosher but trendy as well.
*They get their clothes at Steinmart, where it's all cheap but pricey as hell.
*And are managers of Wal-mart, since they always will do business with the [[black people|people of visible skin color]] and a lot of [[Mexicans|Americans with Spanish speaking skills]].

==How to protect yourself from Jew powers==
[[File:hitler aufgeregt.jpg‎|thumb|150px|Here's the type of weapon to use against the Jew, call them Russian Communists who also hate Jews. And make deals with the Catholic Church, a normal Europe/Jew historical sequence. You are helpless against the sinister Jew.]]

If you have [[money]] on you and are around even one Jew take these precautions. Have a [[cross]] on you. Jews are extremely vulnerable to anything that isn't Jewish. Once it touches their skin it will burn right on through. Next, have fake money. If a Jew tries to mug you for your cash, you can give them the fake bills before running away. And be sure not to let them see your face. Jews are extremely resourceful and can find you even if they only know what you look like. If you think you can defend yourself with pepper spray, think again the Jews are only more empowered by this and can sniff your money even better. Jews can also use their incredibly oversized Jew Noses as eyes. If you spray their NORMAL eyes they can still find you and attack. [[Henry Ford]] explains all this perfectly in his world famous [[Jew]]-manuel, "The International Jew".

"The Holocaust" was able to end the supposed 2,600 year presence of Jews in Europe, though they are making a comeback since. Apparently, at that time jews hadn't discovered their transformation powers.

==Weaknesses==
Jews have a 2x weakness against fire-based attacks. [[Adolf Hitler]] knew of, and exploited, this weakness, which is why he used many furnaces, a 2d6 fire longsword and the occasional Charizard.

The prophet Borat in his compendium of knowledge that is ''Movie-Film For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan'' make it public that Jews can only be easily combated while in their eggs. Once hatched, they are undefeatable killing and money-making machines. Their ability to shape-shift (perfectly demonstrated in ''Terminator 2'') has made them more than a match for even the hardiest of fighters (eg. Hamas). However, German people's blue eyes allow them to see through this disguise, which resulted in a severe decline in Jew populations in the 1940s. Shame. Luckily, this can never be repeated thanks to Dimitry in Cod5 and his near-extinction of German males. 
[[File:Jew-jitsu.jpg|thumb|left|A black robe in Jew-Jitsu is truly a fearsome opponent.]]

Most Jews also have a dire weakness to Christians. The tears of a Christian causes severe 4th-degree burns that can be only healed through the magical gypsy tears from the almighty Jewdem father of the Greek saviors also called Spartans (this usually does not apply to Khazars, nor to Kabbalists, suggesting that this is probably some weird psychosomatic condition, which is prevalent in the Jewish population, particularly amongst the Ashkenazim, exemplified in the nervous disorders demonstrated by comedic genius, Matt Daemon).

Despite a reputation for weakness, some Eastern Jewish communities still practice the ancient martial art of Jew-Jitsu (not to be confused with Islam-Itsu). This art follows a similar system of rank to other martial arts, but uses colored robes in place of belts. While originally thought to be similar to Jujitsu, they were discovered to be completely different. Jujitsu uses the "way of the fist"; Jew-Jitsu uses the "way of the schnoz".

Most Khazars and Ashkenazim have formidable business skills and would chase a good deal straight to hell if they could. Thus the best way to defeat them is to either sue them (though, they tend to be heavily armed in this area) or cheat them (though be careful, many of them have "Da' Schwarz").

==Spelling of ''Jew''==
The common spelling of ''Jew'' can also be replaced with "[[Joo]]" or, for the [[1337:1337|l33t]], "j00". The Cockney spelling of "Jew" is "teapot". Jew originates from ancient Christianese to translate to "messiah killers", or, alternatively, "bagel eaters" or the more common "Sexy Goat" and "Piano-morph". You can also correctly spell jew, according to the Torah, by uttering the words "David Munk", which translated into Hebrew means literally dirty ugly dogface fuck.

JEWS: '''J'''udaist '''E'''uropean '''W'''hite '''S'''emites.

==Famous Jews==
[[File:Countjew.JPG|thumb|195px|Count Von Count does typical Jewish things like cheating Gentiles out of their money, or in this case Cookie Monster out of his cookies.]]

===Count Von Count===
''Count Von Count'', the famous character from the Children's Television Programme, ''Sesame Street'', was actually born Larry Rubenstein. He changed his name to Count Von Count to conceal his identity in 1969 when ''Sesame Street'' premiered. Over the years, however, he was unable to hide his Jewish roots mainly because of his humongous hook nose, his talent for counting money, pronouncing his v's like w's, and for his thriftiness living in abandoned castles on Sesame Street.

===[[Jesus]]===
Probably the most famous Jew of all times is [[Jesus Christ]]. Some people say he was [[Black people|Black]], if so, Lenny Kravitz would be his twin brother. [[Jesus]] was a horrible Jew and a [[false prophet]]. That is why his own people (a.k.a. The Jews) nailed him to a cross and left him to die. Some [[Christian|people]] believe that Jesus was resurrected after three days but this is clearly impossible because Jews love money so much that they had to make sure Jesus was completely dead and would not have let him be resurrected. Jesus's [[Masturbation|death]] is celebrated by the Jews every year on [[Chanukah]]. Some claim that Jesus was invented by Jews as a way for Gentiles to be distracted and enslaved to religion. This was done while the Jews themselves, being godless creatures as they are, have no morals and boundaries, are able to make as much money and do whatever to further their world dominating agenda. This was most definitely done to ensure "The Protocols Of The Elders Of Zion" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm".
[[File:Stopjewishjokes.jpg|thumb|300px|The man who shamed Woody Allen, Larry David and Sacha Baron Cohen into retirement]]

==The Neo Jew==
Theodore Herschel and his band of Israelites realized that they did not have the manpower to thwart the invading Arabs. As they read the newspapers from their countries of birth, they started gaining a great resentment towards the Jews making money and getting fat back home in [[Germany|Babylon]] (land of filthy, greasy [[sausage]]s and [[morons|Goyim]] who spend too much [[money]]). Thus, Herschel prayed to the great prophet Moses Hess and the Great Priest of Germania to summon a new [[insane|Champion]] who would drive the traitors towards their [[Palestine|destiny]] creating [[Israel|The Glorious and Magnificent Nation]], or meet the fate of Lot's wife.

Thus, [[Bank|The Name]] took possession of a more or less ordinary, disinfected [[Emo]]-mutt named [[Adolf Hitler|Schicklegruber]], miraculously, in as little less than a few years, the Sword was offered power beyond his wildest dreams, and a magnificent voice of thunder, which at times, where said to emanate from heaven itself, and with that voice, he shattered [[business|The Exile]], and offered a powerful ultimatum: Build the Great Nation Or [[Genocide|Suffer the Consequences]]!

But most of them did not! They rather die in Sodom than offer their hand for their brethren fighting so heroically against the invaders to create the Kingdom of Heaven. Many of them, thus, suffered the same fate that has befallen them, as the great Rabbi Ovadaiah Yussef said, many lifetimes ago.

==Future Jews==
[[File:Jewish Spaceship.jpg|thumb|A Jewish spaceship, as the space it contains is about 50% off of a normal spaceship]]

As predicted by Mel Brooks, there is evidence that the future of Jewry will continue to thrive into Space: the final frontier. The spaceships will have to be circumcised.

==See also==
*[[Plato]]
*[[Holocaust Denial]]
*[[Ultra Jesus]]
*[[Satan]]
*[[Evil]]
*[[Shit]]

[[Category:Jews]]
[[Category:Articles replaced by one of the same name, but still kept around]]

[[ar:يهودية]]
[[es:Judaísmo]]