Jailbait Earth Creationism

Exhibit at the Creation Museum in Kentucky showing how Elvis Presley coexisted with dinosaurs

Exponents of Jailbait Earth Creationism (JECs), are those people that believe that the planet Earth was created by the Judeo/Christian God just 60 years ago. Their claims are based on a calculation done by Carol Vorderman who traced back through the bible calculating that the first day of creation was July 20th 1947.

Most scientists refute these claims, stating that the Earth is closer to 4.5 billion years in age.

Creation

It is considered that in the beginning there was nothing apart from God - and he had always been there - for an infinite amount of time doing nothing. After having an infinite amount of time and power to do anything with anything he had done nothing with anything. God then finally decided it might be appropriate to do something.

JECs contend that from 20th to the 26th of July 1947 God created, moulded and populated the Earth. On the July 27th he rested due to the strain of six hard days creating 'something' in a somewhat arbitrary manner.

Many Christians do not take the Bible so literally and believe the earth to be much older. Pope Benedict has stated that “It does not contradict the Catholic faith to believe the world to be over a century old.”

Adam and Eve

It is recorded that Adam and Eve Johnston lived a quiet life in a semi-detached three-bedroom house in West-Stafford area. Speaking in Mathhew 7 verse 11, Adam commented, 'We were surprised as anyone to find that we were the first people in existence, but it was the only plausible explanation for my missing rib.'

Asked about their expulsion from the Garden of Eden, Eve Johnston offered only a few words: "I said it then, and I'll say it now: it was only a fucking apple".

Beliefs

JECs believe that rather than destroying the Tower of Babel, God sold it on to British Telecom in an act of divine irony.

Dinosaurs

Ken Ham, a leading JEC and facial hair enthusiast, sees a variety of evidence to suggest that humans, dinosaurs and classic American cars co-existed in the 1950’s. His stated belief is that the entire species of dinosaurs existed in just one long winter's night in 1959, during which they persished in the chill wind of sin. Their remains buried under the think snows of that year, they had became part of the substrata before the spring thaw.

Evolution

JECs dispute the scientific veracity of evolution arguing that the author of the theory, Darwin, died before the universe was created. "How can someone who didn’t exist discover something that doesn’t exist?” argues a visibly drunk William Dembski, “And even though he didn’t exist, he denounced Natural Selection on his deathbed admitting that he believed in God. That’s how pathetic non-existent Evolutionists are!"

Bible Interpretation

The Book of Genesis

JECs believe that God dictated the stories of creation, Noah's Arc, Tower of Babel to the profit Phil Collins in the canteen of Charterhouse School in Godalming. Phil sat patiently, legs crossed, with sceptical progressive eyes as the lord almighty created at that moment the concept of holiness - an accomplishment that would not be equalled until the Ipod

Even JECs accept that their 'Feeding of the Five Thousand' lacks the emotional impact of more liberal interpretations.

Jesus's Crucifixion and Resurrection

JECs believe Jesus was crucified in 1986, shortly before the FIFA World Cup Finals were held in Mexico. They believe he was resurrected, probably by God and shortly afterwards inhabited the body of Diego Maradonna to score the famous ‘Hand of God’ goal against England in the Quarter-Finals. This action is blamed for the large secularisation that has occured in England since.

Kansas Holocaust Denial

The Kansas Second Holocaust hearings were a series of hearings held in Topeka, Kansas May 5 to May 12, 2005 by the Kansas State Board of Education and its State Board History Hearing Committee to change how World War 2 would be taught in the state's public high school history classes. They attempted to introduce the Teach the Controversy method which cast doubt on the occurrence of the Holocaust. The Discovery Institute, hub of the intelligent design movement, played a central role in starting the hearings by promoting its 'How the Fuck Could This Have Happened if the World's Only Sixty Years Old' lesson plan.

Criticism

Some of the stronger arguments against Jailbait Earth Creationism come from the over 60’s who argue that God must have created the Earth pre-1947 as otherwise they themselves would have been born before Adam and Eve.

Pat Robertson's suitably contrite response was, “You show me someone who says they are over 60 and I’ll show you a liar. This is so typical of Evolutionists, always trying to employ their warped 'logic'. People who claim to be older than 60 have generally been overusing sunbeds. I admit to a little intense tanning myself and am just twenty years old.”

In a Hello magazine interview with Jerry Falwell in 1996, Falwell attempted to explain how the earth could become so copiously populated in such a short amount of time: "There has always been an awful lot of fucking. I do not doubt that. It is certainly not unbelievable to suggest that 6 billion people have descended from one couple in sixty years. Myself and my wife have had 16 million children, none of whom, incidentally, are homosexual, lesbian or gay. Homosexuals can only reproduce through gay-sex."

Like a better written Davinci Code

First Edition of the Beano

Dated 30th July 1938, the first edition of The Beano is dismissed by Creation Scientists who reject recent Carbon Dating done on the Biffo the Bear.

"Carbon dating is unreliable" stated William Dembski. 'I personally Carbon dated my cat, and that came out as 730 million years old, and these Evolutionists reckon that just because someone puts 1938 on front of a comic it means it was made in 1938. If I was to take this marker-pen flop out my old-boy and write "1912" on it, does that mean my penis was flapping about when the Titanic hit an Iceberg?...It wasn't by the way.'

See also

• Creationism
• Creation
• Creation Museum
• Creationist Views on Australia