Jack Nicklaus
“WHAT THE FUCK IS A TOASTER MALFUNCTION?.”
“Holy shit, this is the best thing I've ever seen. It's masterpiece.”
Jack William Nicklaus (born January 21, 1940), also known as "The Golden Bear", is an American professional golfer and closet knob-ironer. Born as a direct result of his father beating his mum in the crusty vaj with irons, he took up golf so he could make enough money to send himself through college with the hope of studing computer science and quantum mechanics. With these skills he went on to create the least successful MMORPG of all time: 'Knob Ironer 3' (KI3).
Knob Ironing, a baptism by fire[edit | edit source]
Jack originally came across the 'sport' knob ironing when his Dad ran into his room in the middle of the night, screaming, brandishing two irons. He screamed 'show me your knob, Barnable you shit' (Barnable was Jack's elder brother who had died in a fire in a goose factory during a freak ironing incident). Jack did as he was told and his father quickly went to work, ironing both his own and Jack's penes in tandem. 2 hours in, he realised he hadn't plugged the irons in, and beat the living shit out of his son.
Knob Ironer 3[edit | edit source]
Knob Ironer 3 was actually the first MMORPG that Nicklaus had created, but there had previously been 2 Knob Ironer games. Strictly speaking they were closed betas, and Knob Ironer 1 wasn't really a computer game at all, he just sat at home and paid his Nan to iron his knob until it bled. The second game saw Jack Nicklaus taking charge of the situation and ironing his own knob. Unlike the first game, however, this actually was computer-based. The game was based around a 3d model of Jack Nicklaus ironing his knob in front of a huge stadium crowd whilst the 'player' flew a camera around and took pictures. Unfortunately Nicklaus was brought to court after it was discovered that the game contained an autodialer, and as soon as a 'player' took a picture, the computer would dial up to the internet and send the pictures to Jack, who would masturbate furiously over the pictures and sing 'Glory, Glory Hallelujah' whilst his Mum cried in the corner and beat the cat with a rolling pin. The case collapsed, however, when nobody bought the game.
Knob Ironer 3 was Jack Nicklaus' first attempt at an MMORPG, and it was criticised for its strong exclusivity and elitism. For starters the game was impossible to understand unless you were fully at grips with the knob ironer underground lingo, with phrases such as "toaster malfunction" and "wankfagjan" being used for knob, and iron, respectively. Nicklaus actually received backing from the computing department of Oxford University for the project, having built an extensive web of lies relating to the game, promising the computing department that Knob Ironer 3 would be a family-orientated memory game. With this money Nicklaus bought a copy of "Learn Fortran in 72 days" and a prostitute who eventually turned out to be Tiger Woods, who Nicklaus trained to play golf and masturbate farm animals so they would ejaculate over their faces (in polite company they called this practise 'Taking the sacriment'). Nicklaus claims a user base of 17 million players, but due to a breach of security at the server house, it has been shown that there are only 40 accounts on the KI3 server, 34 of which are owned by Jack himself, 3 by his Nan, 1 by his mother, and 2 by Tiger Woods (with the names 'ImASamboLOL:D' and 'MustafaWankyWank') (Oscar Wilde didn't renew his account after the free trial as the only form of acceptable payment was by a Diners Club card, which nobody except Knob Ironers own). Both characters were level 70, which would mean that Woods would have to have been playing for ~3 years solidly ironing a knob, or cheated. All 34 Jack Nicklaus' characters were shown to be level 70. His Nan, on learning this, accused him of cheating, as her character (of the class Dark Knob Ironer McHave) was only level 43 and she claimed to be the greatest Knob Ironer in the West, but video footage has been released, proving Nicklaus' innocence and insanity.
The double bluff[edit | edit source]
Interestingly, Jack Nicklaus didn't want people to hear about his frankly retarded hobby of self mutilation by burning, and made the game as a sort of double bluff, thinking people would think that nobody who ironed their own dick would do anything to attract attention to themselves. However, this plan was ruined when he went on national television to talk about his new game, and his Nan phoned up on air and said "Nice one Barnable, when you come home I goin' to iron your dick good tonight you slimy bastard". Nicklaus promptly shat himself and said "this makes me happy in my pants". Everyone hates him, except Tiger Woods who masturbates every night to a picture of Jack Nicklaus, a pile of dead cats, and a jar of pickled eggs.
Other shit nobody gives a shit about[edit | edit source]
He also played a lot of golf (which he hated as that meant he had to iron his knob during the night time when his mother would scream in her sleep about his Dad raping all the pets until they died, before going and buying more pets from the pet store, which was actually a forest full of wolves, which he would rape) and invented the internet just so he could release his MMORPG.