Inedia

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“Their methods can kill me.”

~ Captain Obvious on Breatharianism

“I have truly mastered them all.”

~ God on Breatharianism

“So have I.”

~ A random dead soul on Breatharianism

“I have got nothing to say.”

~ James Randi on Breatharianism

Inedia, also known as Breatharianism, is the mystic's revolutionary answer to poverty, starvation, and suffering. The believers, also known as Breatharians, actually claimed that with proper techniques, a human would not need to eat or drink to survive. This sparked a huge debate amongst human rights and welfare groups, where they discussed whether humans who lacked even a shred of common sense deserve to live. The unanimous consensus was that the issue doesn't matter either way as the results would still be the same.

Pre-History of Inedia

Once upon a time, there was an organ called the stomach. Every living mammal, including humans, possesses this weird parasite. As the stomach kept growling for sustenance, the natural response of the human who have a stomach is to shut it up with edible food and drinkable water. All humans on Planet Earth were infected with this parasite, they knew it and at times even loved it.

Such is the cruelty of life. Thus mankind became slaves to the stomach, having to work hard to prevent the stomach from snatching away the living nutrients in their body. Mankind became addicted to food, with junk food taking the top priority for the rich. However, a growing problem is that food production became more and more expensive, the stomach still continued growling and threatening the humans with nirvana, and that made mankind even more desperate. All hope is not lost though...

First Documented Evidence of Inedia

In 30 A.D, a man known as Jesus of the Nazareth, decided to solve mankind's continual problems with the stomach. He started his experiments by staying outside on the wilderness and eating nothing for forty days. And that is how Breatharianism was first discovered. Jesus initially was very hungry and weak, and he was tempted by Satan to eat but still triumphed in the end. Nevertheless, Jesus realised that food is too delicious for humans to pass up on, abandoned his old method and instead focused on becoming god-like. Thus the methods of Breatharianism was lost in his time...

But all hope is not lost yet...

Modern Founders of Inedia

As promised, in the 20th Century, Inedia was rediscovered along with Scientology and Raelism. While Scientology gave an ingenious answer on how to get rid of money efficently, Inedia helped Scientology with answering what a believer should do after he/she is left penniless from giving away all possessions.

Unlike Scientology who only has one founder, Inedia has greater support with not one, but TWO founders! The founder who hails from Australia is known as Jasmuheen, while the founder who hails from America is known as Wiley Brooks. Both graduated from the Prestigious University of Great Religious Reasoning, where they are able to make scientific statements so wonderful that no Scientists or rational people were able to refute them.

The Exploits of Jasmuheen

Formerly known as Ellen Greve (And may soon be known as Hello Grave), Jasmuheen proposed that she has mastered much of Holy Jesus' lost teachings of Breatharianism, and thus she doesn't need to eat or drink for an indefinite amount of time.

Unlike many of her followers, Jasmuheen was more than happy to prove that she really can survive without eating or drinking. She even volunteered to be monitored for one week by skeptics, showing that her purported abilities may well be authentic. Jasmuheen's daring exploits however suffered sabotage from her skeptics by providing her polluted air (Or so she says) which prevented her from getting the required nutrients.

Later on when Skeptics again challenged her with a huge sum of money asking her to prove her claims that she became a superhuman through her Breatharian-modified DNA, she started coughing and excused herself, saying that polluted air has poisoned her again, this time preventing her from speaking too much.

Wiley and L. Ron Hubbard

Wiley Brooks was even more ambitious. Attempting to follow the footsteps of L. Ron Hubbard, he founded a company dedicated to promoting Inedia, called the Breatharian Institute of America! Any member who joined this company would have to pay fees of up to $25 million (Yes, it is that much), which equates to thousands of dollars for every meal the member successfully skips. A crusade for eliminating hunger and poverty ironically became more expensive than eating pizzas.

Unfortunately for Wiley, his abilities have not quite reached the levels of Jasmuheen, and he still relied on junk food to keep his physical body alive. According to him, junk food provides balance to his body health. Using a combination of meditation and correct pronunciation of five magical words, a believer would be able to sustain himself without food forever, food being defined as not including junk food.

Skill Levels of Breatharianism

Level #1

• The same as how typical Christians and Jews fast. You still drank some water. You can try better than that.

Level #2

• Good progress. You have survived without eating or drinking water for at least 3 days. Keep that up.

Level #3

• You are reaching Nirvana soon - Surviving on only coke for 10 days! If you cannot take it, please eat some pizzas or a big juicy hamburger as a reward to yourself. You have reached Wiley Brooks' level, but I hope you are not a Scientologist because you might need a psychiatrist.

Level #4

• Congratulations, you are as powerful as Jasmuheen. You don't need to eat, you don't need to drink, and for nearly three weeks you just took in fresh air as sustenance. Hey what's with those blowflies and maggots on your body?! Hello, you there?

Secret Level #5

• No humans achieved that yet. At this level, you can even survive in space. You can absorb sunlight and gain invulnerability and superhuman strength. Who knows, you can even fly! There is only a certain green crystal which can take away the nutrients in your enlightened body.

If you failed to succeed

If you failed to master Inedia, chances are that you won't be reading this. But let's pretend you are Casper the Friendly Ghost. As the great Jasmuheen said, you failed not because your stomach overwhelmed you, you failed because you are still not psychologically nor spiritually well-prepared enough. You must also have the right motivation! Doesn't that make sense?

Seriously, just read it on Wikipedia.