Ian Cooper

Ian "the twat in the hat" Cooper
Location {{{place}}}

Ian “The Showman” Cooper was a British philosopher and one time world amateur Lego champion in 1987.

Early Years

Cooper was a gifted child, learning to walk by the age of four, and falling down by the age of six. Among his various scholastic achievements, Cooper received three gold stars for interpretive dance, although historians speculate that he was simply having difficulty dressing himself. The crowning achievement of Cooper’s early years must surely be his 50m swimming badge. He still has it, showing it occasionally at parties.

During his time at Oxford University, Cooper joined the debating team, eager to stretch his linguistic muscles. Cooper became famous in 1993 for his powerful rebuttal of the philosophical idea “I think, therefore I am” as he was able to prove his own existence relied on little, and often not at all, on his ability to think. His fame turned to worldwide acclaim during the much publicized “swings and roundabouts” debate in his final year of captaincy of the team, where he saw off the young pretenders to the throne with the infamous line “I know you are, but what am I”.

Professional Career

Credited with banishing homosexuality from the village of Meadowell with his, now famous, mantra “If I was a poof I’d just pull a flat chested bird and shag her up the arse”, Ian “incest” Cooper is the brother of a simple shepherd. They no longer speak. Cooper began his political career at the age of fourteen delivering newspapers in the border town of Berwich upon Tweed in North Northumberland, United Kingdom, before being plucked from the crowd at a Bruce Springsteen concert, catapulting him to international fame as the only prepubescent boy to have resisted the “Born in the USA” crooner’s insatiable advances.

Selling his remarkable story to British tabloid newspaper The Sun for the pricey sum of £1500 in April 1974, Cooper used these funds to finance an off-Broadway play. Although critically acclaimed, the production was badly received by the public, most of whom were still using indoor aerials, and Cooper was forced to close down his beloved play after a run of just three short weeks. That the play was several thousand miles off Broadway has been a suggested to have played a part in the failure of this early scheme. The failure was to cost Cooper dearly, although he was able to claw back some of his earnings in his role as the baddie in Ghostbusters II.

Anthropologist and chicken collector “because that’s the only way to be sure”, it has been suggested that Cooper’s defeat of the scourge of our times, homosexuality, began following the unhappy dissolution of his love affair with Capt. Birdseye in the 1990s, “He’s not the man I married!” cried Cooper at the sight of a much younger and sexier Capt. Birdseye, “You homosexuals are too promiscuous for my liking!” And he was right.

Captain Birdseye; war hero of the Falklands, died of VD and is buried on one of those rocks.

Following a brief foray into the world of high stakes tiddlywinks, Cooper was elected leader of Uganda, changing his name to Idi Amin, for reasons best known to himself.

It was as leader of Uganda that Cooper was to shine. Although some speculate this was due to his mirrored waistcoat, others maintain this was due to an uncanny ability to shine. “His ability to shine is uncanny!” was heard at the time, although only by those standing nearby. Those sitting nearby heard it as well, but they refused to be drawn into the quagmire that is quotation. “No comment” is something they may have said.

The first order of business as president of Uganda was to get rid of the Indians. High fat food being linked to heart disease and bowel cancer in developed countries, Cooper sought to bypass this modern day killer by forcing a high-fiber, low-fat diet on his adopted countrymen. Chinese food was allowed to remain on the grounds that it was shite.

The second order of business was to begin the import of bananas. As the world's largest producer of bananas, Cooper sought to raise the price of bananas by importing all the bananas in the world, and selling them at a premium. It didn’t work, and he was ejected from office.

Today

Following his return to the United Kingdom, Cooper spent many bliss-filled years absorbing LSD through his big daddy eyeballs until in early 2007 he received a strange telephone call offering employment to a Mr. Ernest Cooper. Taking it as a sign from Superman, Cooper solemnly accepted the appointment.

In the evening, Cooper spends his time rolling cigars into amusing phallic shapes. He once performed fellatio on a monkey.