HowTo talk:Annoy unwanted roommates
THi2 i2 tEH oNLY ArticLE on uncyClOPEdIa THAT i2 98.6% truTHinEe2. “WANna 8eT?” ~ 9Od On o5caR wiLDE “i DOn'T eVen lEt MY hou2E 9UE5t2 U2E Teh HANd TOwEl2 IN TEH 8atHrooM!” ~ O5caR WILDe eDitTHe li5t
HeRE i2 A lI5t OF AcTiON2 JoO KaN Take TO ANnoy uNwANtEd rOoMmATe2 OR 8eCoME a UNWaNTeD rOomMAtE JOor5eLf: eAt ALL of ROoMMatE'2 PHoOD IN PhriD9e or oFf hI5/hEr PlATE 8UILd A 5hrinE dEvOTeD To TEH RooMMatE jOO waNT To 9ET rID OF. inclUdE pIcTUre2 TAken wIt TELEpHOto LeN5e2 (5Cratch oUT Teh eye2 of anYone el2E aPpeArIN9 in tEh PHOtO), PHIN9eRNaIl ClippIN92, PU8ic HAIR Phi5HeD OUT Of TEh 5HOWEr DrAiN, multiPlE KAnDLE2, UndErWeAr, aNd MAnIC lovE poeTry wRITTEN in 8lood. TO 9Et RID OF tWO roommaTE2 AT teh 5Ame TimE, 8uILd A 5hRINe TO onE anD CLAIm TeH OTher ONe 8uiLt IT. VAcUUm TEH kARpet2 AT 2am (Or 8Am). iN5i5t THAt theY NoT u2e teh hanD ToWel2 In tEh 8aTHrOom -- Tho2e R PHor 9Ue5T2. tHEY mu5t U2E teh RoLL Of paper ToweL2 jOO ProVIDe THEM. pHor8iD JooR ROOMMATE2 pHrom lEAvin9 W# clotHe2 In Teh 5HoWeR, even ThOU9H Joo hAVe jOor oWN phulL 8AthROom AnD thEY're 5HARIn9 ONe. wAiT phOR jOOR RoomMate2 TO 8E IN Their RoOM2 aND thEN wAlk PA5t AnD pAtROL their 5harEd 8AthROoM PHor U5eD HAND-tOWel2 AnD w# CLOtHe2. IF JoO 5PoT eiTHeR, MaKE 9ruNTIn9 Noi5e2, 5tomp jOor pHEeT, and 8ecoME Ho5tILe. konfROnt teH ROOMmaTE AND dEmaNd to knOW whY tHEY KeeP 8reAKiN9 jOOr Rule2 a8ouT theiR 8ATHrOom. DeMAnD thAT THEy KOMPLy wIt jOOr rULE2 or jOO'LL KaLl JOor ParEnt2. iN5teaD Of TAKIn9 JOOr 9aR8A9e oUT tO tEh KUR8, lEaVe iT 8y teH 8AcKDooR AND yElL AT thEM WHeN thEY DOn'T TaKe iT OUT to tEh kUr8 -- aFTer ALl, joO dID aLl Teh HArD wORK. 9ET 5ome PET2 -- pRefErA8ly tWO HyperaCtive KaT2 anD A 8ird. KALl teh hoU2E PHOne aND KOMPLaiN WheN Teh OTHeR rOoMMaTe2 doN't PIcK up. EVEn ThoU9H tEH PhONe i2 neVEr PHoR them, TheY 5Hould 5tiLL pICK Up kU2 jOo KOuLD HavE 8een In a ACcidenT and NEedeD tO 9ET a hOLd of theM DE5PIte Teh phact that thEY All HAVE CElL phone2. havE joOR iN5Ane PhaMIly KoME 5tAy wIt jOO PHOr TEh WEek. have A TEa-cup TO rE9uLAR-cuP rATiO a8oVe 3:1. hOArD tEH 9lA22e2. wHEn jOOr ROoMMatE LeAVe2 Teh Room, At any time, And If OnLy PhOr A 5EcOND, tAke TeH 9LA22 anD pLACE it in teH di5HwA5HER. If tHEy koNfRONT jOo, TElL THem JoO Thou9Ht iT wa2 a diRty, DIRty 9La22 AND thAt They KaN 9eT A new ONe oUT Of TEh kup8oARD -- iF theY 9o to 9eT AnothEr 9lA22, A5k THEM tO 5tarT TEh Di5hwA5heR wHile tHey'Re OVER There. MaKE TEh oTHeR RoommAtE2 TAKE theIr 5hOE2 ofF 8Y Teh DOor. tEh keY i2 To theN taKe All oF THEIr 5Hoe2 AnD pUT TheM in a 8IN In teH 8oTtom oF TEh CLo5Et. Do Thi2 AlL Teh tImE ANd oNly To tHeIR 5HOE2. JoOR 5hOE2 r KewL eNOU9h tO 5tay 8y tEh PhrONt aNd 8acK DoOr. puT a 5I9n on TeH 8acKdOOR tELLIN9 JooR rOommaTE2 thaT THeY aREn't AlLoweD tO U2e it kU2 tHey nEVER cLO2e IT ALL teH WaY ANd teH wiNd 8LOw2 TEH DoOR opeN ANd RiP2 ofF teH hIN9E. thEn PROceeD to U2e teh 8ACKdoOR AnD NOT Clo2E It All tEh wAy. 8EComE vErY Irate WHen Joo RETUrn HOME TO PHind tEh DOOr OfF TEH HIN9E. KOMpLeTElY OVEr-DECorAtE pHOr tEh holiday2. MaKE 5URE To PlacE A rEAlLY O8nOXiOU2 dECoRATiON On tEh KOffEe Ta8le 5o THaT It clEarLy 8LOCX vIEW oF TEh TelevI5iON. aL5O 9eT a 8UNch OF NOi2e MaKER2 5o ThaT joO KaN't MOVE arOuND tEh HOU5e/AparTMeNT wIthOut thRee 9OIn9 Off at A TimE. 8IttErly KomPlAIn whEN nO8Ody HELP2 joO TaKE teH decoRAtIon2 doWn. makE ReNt DUe Teh la5t phRIDAY of Teh MoNtH At 4pm. then 5end OuT eMAIL2 TEh pHriDay 8efORE, tEH WeDNe5dAY 8EFOre, tEH ThuR5DAY 8EfOre, AnD PhRidaY MORnIN9. 8eComE OutRA9ed whEn teH RENT I2 paId PhRiDAy at 3PM. WhEn JOO dECIDe to TURn tEH AC On, phlIp teh CiRcuit 8rEaKeR phoR teH rOOmMAtE2 who hAvE thEIr pHAN2 ON. di5COnneCT teh 8i9 lan when joO tHiNK joor ROOMmaTe2 rEalLY Need IT oR WHeN joo pheEL lIKe it. al5O in5TiTUte A5IninE PhIRewall PoLIciE2 tHAT 8LOCk THEm Phrom AIM oR otHeR komMoN 5eRvIcE2.oR a2 a AlternAtIVe, 9Et jOOr Own pER5oNAl laPtOp aNd lOAd joor rOoMMAtE2' 8OXoR Wit PLENTy Of aDVeRTi5emenT-di5plAyIN9 5OFtWarE. Don'T ALLow otheR rOomMaTE2 TO PARk 8eHIND jOor kAR EVEn tHOU9H JOO HAve A mOToRcYCLe AND havEN't drIvEN jOor KAR in MoNTH2. when oNE OF them Doe2 PArK 8ehIND jOO, HuNt THeM doWN, tAke their key, AnD 9o TO tEh hardwarE 5tOrE aNd 9ET A koPY of THeiR kEy MADe. 5peND 10 miNUte2 tHROwIn9 RandoM tHin92 PHrOm teH PHrID9e and PANTrY into A CROcK pOt. lET It kOOK uNTIL wElL intO Teh eVenIN9, 5aY 6:30Pm. kALl jooR RoOMmate2 AnD dEMand TO KNow Why They R NOt homE reADY TO hAVe 5uPpER WIT Joo. WHEn TheY REtUrN HoMe laTER 8ErATE them AND TELl THem hOW UN9rAteful theY r. DOn'T kOMmunICaTE WIT JooR rooMmate2 dIrEcTlY. IF JoO NEED tO tElL thEM 5omeTHin9, kAll A DE5i9NATEd prOxY (PREfeRA8LY joOR pArent2) aNd havE THEM kalL jooR rOOMMATe2. ONCe MA5tered, tRy tO mAXImi2E teh NUM8er of PROxiE2. PAint teH wall2 IN THEIr ROom 8LACk TelLIN9 tHem nOt to WorRy, IT'2 OnLy watER pAInt. Put a KOM8INATIoN lOck ON Teh phRid9E. 5eT jOoR ALArM CLock TO 9o Off 1 hoUR AFTEr joO LEAve TeH HOu2E PhOr tEH DaY. Make 5urE teH voLuMe i2 TuRNed UP. 9et diAL-up pHOR joOr roOMMAte2 -- KeEp 5witCHIn9 5erviCE2 TO taKe aDvanTa9E Of ALL tEh PHReE offeR2. Pick teh loWe5T 5Peed2 pO55I8LE. 5penD 90% OF joOR tIme At HOme whI5TlIn9. DoN't 9O PHOR A Tune or anyThIn9, JU5T RaNdOm noTe2. 5TiCk po5T-it2 OF remIndER2 aLL arouNd tEH hoU2E. WHen 5oMEONe I2 IN Teh 8AthrooM, A8OUt TO TaKe A 5HOweR oR ju5T u5in9 Teh ToILeT, kNock ON tEH door EXtrEMeLy haRD, 5hout EXtrEmEly loUD 5AyIn9 joo 9ottA pEE ReALLy 8ad anD 8A5IcaLLy dO EVERyTHiN9 joo Kan TO 9et tHEM OUT OF THERe. DO THI2 EvErY time THey U2e TEH 8aTHROOm. chew WIt jOOR mOuTH OpEn. wOrx RealLy WelL Wit 5UPER cRunChy PHooD 5UcH a2 ApPLe2. drInK pHrom teH 8OTTle2 ratHer than u5iN9 A 9LA22. tALk. A LOT. THRow joor DirTY cLothE2 oN ThEir 8ed. o8taIN AN RJ11-45 ka8le AnD KonneCT IT phrom teH pHoNE OUTlet TO their eThERNeT 5WITCh or NeTWOrK kARd. KALL teH hOu2e phonE. PHIND jOoR wAY INTO thEir 8Ed aT Ni9HT. rEMem8ER: PEoPlE WHO 5leep To9eTHER 5tay TO9eThEr. e5Ta8lI5h thiN92 joO hAVE in kOMMon -- 5Leep WIt hI5/HeR 9iRlFriEnD/8OyFrIeND. if all JoO KaN 9eT I2 a ex, JOO mi9HT a2 WeLl 9o PhOR It. HIre A pOlTEr9EI5t To WReaK havoC In theIr room aT 2Am oN TEh ni9Ht2 wHErE THEY hAVE TO woRK tEH Late 5hIFt. hiDE A rEMOTe-COntrOlLED 5Tereo In THEir CLo5eT aND PuT 8eaT haPpenin9'2 "HOt ChocoLAtE 8OY" oR ju5tin Tim8ERLake'2 "5EXy 8Ack" oN RePEAt aT 4:00 iN teH moRnIn9-- eVEry MoRNIn9. thEy'Re TEH Mo5T O8NoxiOU2 5on92 eVer. eAt/9IVe aWay AnY and ALL oF THeIr TA5tY PhOOd iN tEH PHRiD9E. CRO55DRE55. Put a 5ocK ON tEh DooR knO8 eVEry nI9Ht AN5weR eVErytHIn9 wIt, "WhY?" in5TEAD oF TuRniN9 oFf TEH Li9Ht 5WItch, 5m# TEH LI9HT 8Ul8 wiT a haMmER. Put a NeW 8Ul8 In teH nEXT DAY. komPLain oFTeN a8ouT TEh KO5t of lI9Ht 8ul82. REaD TEh PhoNe 8ook OUT LoUd anD eXciTEdLy. ("pHrANK JohN5On! OH woW! 894-8302! HoLY koW!") 8uy 5Ome kniVe2. 5HaRPen thEM evErY NI9ht. WhiLE Joo'RE DoIN9 5O, LooK AT joOr ROommaTe AND MuTTer, "5Oon, 5oON..." HiDe LAxaTivE2 IN AlL TheIr PHoOd and hOARd aLL teH TOIlet PAPeR. When jOo Phir5t MEeT, wEAr a TelEtU88Y oUTfiT and a MONK'2 Ro8e, tHeN A5k IF HE WOUld LIKe to 8e 5aCrifiCED To TeH one TRue ME55IaH. neveR Phlu5H TeH ToiLEt. UrinAtE iN TEh TOP PaRT OF TEH toilEt, 5o WheN ThEy Phlu5h, urinE KOME2 oUt. eVeN 8etter, tAke A crAp iN TEH Top part oF tEH toIlET, 5o WhEN TEH PhLU5h DoE5n't WoRK And THEy inVe5ti9ATE teH PRO8lem, all TheY PHiNd I2 5hIT 8lOckIN9 teH pipe. KON5TantLy CLo9 teH tOiLet ANd PHLu5h tILl it Phill2 up wIT WaTEr, tHEn Clo2E TeH lID AnD teLL NO one. tUrN OFF TEH miCROWavE WheN thEy'RE U5IN9 IT and PUt Joor oWN pHoOD IN, claImIn9 "it'll oNLY 8E PHOr A MINUte", then PuT IT On phOr hAlf aN HouR. hidE JoOR dIRty DI5He2 UNDEr TheIR 8ED. hiDe road pHRa9 UNDer THEIR 8ed. hIDE unDER thEir 8eD. LeavE u5ED KONDoM2 IN pU8lIc PLace2. tAKE theiR PHOod oUT oF tEH pHriD9e AnD ReplacE it WIT JoOR2. IF tHey eVeR pUT 5TIcKY nOTE2 5aYIn9 "DoN't EaT" Or "doN't DrInk" ON tEH phOOD ANd 8EveRA9E2, MAKE 5urE JOO EAT TeH IMMedIATElY tHeN CLaim JOO DIdn't noTiCe teH nOtE. PhrEE2e ThEIR AlcoHOL TEH dAY 8eFore teh 9o oUt. LEAve PU8IC HaIr on TeH 5OAp. If tHey HAvE their OWn 5oAP LeAVE PU8IC hAir On iT. accIdeNtallY pHILL Teh 5HamPOo 8OTtLe WIt HaIr DyE. pUt jOor UNDERwEar in TeH pHRid9E, aNd On theIr PhoOD. koN5TantLY WeAr theIr 9oOD cLothE2. WALk aroUnd Teh hOu2E nAKED. EvEn 8etteR, waLk ARound Teh hou2e NAkED whILe TeH HAVE 9UE5T5/9irLfRiENd5/DaTE5/ReLaTiVE5/9ranDMA2 OVeR AND loUdLY kOmpLaIN A8Out A r# jOO 9oT While WeAriN9 tHEIr underwEAr. phOr luNch, peE iN A kUP aND 5eRVE It TO theM 5ayin9 iT2 LeMoNadE OR ApPLe juicE. HIDE JoOr KoLLEcTioN of peE 8ottLe2 in thEir clO5ET, and THen ACCU2e them of 5teaLin9 tHeM phRoM joo. 8UY A KEy8OarD. ProCEed to REpEAT Teh 5aME NoTe at mAx VoLuME ANd wHen ThEy A5k jOo To 5tOp, wAIT 10 5ecOND2 ANd repeAt pROce55. 5it AND 5Tare AT ThEm While THEy r DoiN9 5oME OtHEr tA5K. if THeY lOOK oVer aT joo, Very 5lowly MOve Joor heAd And 9a2E In ANothEr DirectiOn. 9o 8ACk to 5TaRiN9 AT THEM, aND REPEaT A2 MAnY time2 a2 Joo Kan 8EfoRe THey LeAVe. MUm8LiN9 to jOOR5elF HElp2 a2 WELL. – Preceding unsigned comment added by kelton2 (talk • contribs)