HowTo:Tell your parents you are gay
Oh Eric, we have been together through thick on thin, the good times and the bad times, on top and on bottom. We have comforted one another through all circumstances, and have lain together to taste each other's forbidden fruits and pleasured one another in ways that are more intimate than between a Scottish farmer and his goat. But my dear I could no longer live like this, not this lie that torments my soul like that time I watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre, yes, that particular occasion where I could not sleep alone for a week but in your comforting masculine embrace. It is time that we, the both of us walk out of the closet and into the cruel world which treats us like the fags we are. Oh no, I can't do this, Eric, the closet is too comforting, how can any self-respecting homosexual abandon the fabulous interiors of his closet decorated with $50,000 of finely tailored shirts to face the humdrum and unfashionable straight world that's out there?
General Concerns[edit | edit source]
First, let's allow certain misconceptions about telling your parents you are gay to be debunked. Telling your parents that you are gay is not the end of the world; in fact the end of the world is a lot more pleasant than telling your parents you are gay. When the Kingdom comes and everybody is in hell except for the 144,000 who dedicated their lives to teaching creationism and getting rid of the likes of you, you would be burning in hell with the rest of the gays so there is nothing to fear, hell has a rather vibrant gay scene if you understand what I mean. However your parents are probably not as understanding as Satan regarding homosexuality, therefore expect some rather surprising reaction when you reveal your homosexuality to your parents. In preparation for the big leap into the unknown that you are making, it might be a good idea to learn CPR or buy a defibrillator in any event that your mother or father collapses upon hearing the news. In the case when any of your parents is close to death, consider this an opportunity to put them out of their miseries forever by giving them the eternal gift of the flat line. When breaking the news, bring them to a place where there are no sharp objects, both for your safety and theirs, as a thing even worse than coming out of the closet is immediately witnessing the suicide of your parents afterwards, as such a thing could leave a permanent psychological scar on a person. It is generally not advisable to do this in a moving vehicle, especially if the parent happens to be driving the vehicle. Car accidents happen frequently enough, so out of the concerns of the safety of the other drivers as well as regard for your own safety, for Buddha's sake don't do it. Remember, like open-heart surgery, telling your parents you're gay is something you want to live through, you want to get this off your chest so that you could go on fucking other men.
There are many methods to tell your parents that you are gay, though there is no correct one choosing one which fits you can save your ass being kicked out onto the side walk, or at least give the police department a clue to where to find your corpse.
The Mumbling Method[edit | edit source]
One popular way of telling your parents you'd prefer boys is to mumble that you're gay incomprehensibly so that they have a hard time deciphering that you're trying to stumble out of the closet. The following conversation exemplify this method:
You: Mom, I'm mufmufmuffff....
Mom: (perplexed and scratching her head) What did you say?
You: I said, I'm mufmufmuffff....
Mom: Uh...okay, do you want some more chicken pot pie?
While this is technically cheating, it does provide a cover that you at least made a nominal attempt to communicate your deepest desire for cock to your parents.
The Straight Forward Method[edit | edit source]
Once this method was considered as almost irrational as a suicide attack, the straightforward method has become the most popular in the coming years. Frankly, it involves saying the phrase "I'm gay" directly to the parent. Of course, one must plan the exact time to announce one's homosexuality to the unsuspecting parent, and strike when the parent least suspects it in the same way a lion plans an ambush of the prey. When one's parent is off-guard and not suspecting the bomb-shell that is about to land on his head, he can't but stare at you in the same daze as a deer stares into a headlight. The following is such a prudent use of the straightforward method:
Mom: Brian, do you think I should wear the red shoes or the white shoes?
You: Mom, I'm gay, and the red shoes.
Mom: White shoes it is, and you're what?!?!?!?!
This is a perfect example of the use of the straightforward method, as the mother realizes his son's good fashion sense she can't deny the fact that her son is gay.
The "Even Worse News" Method[edit | edit source]
Sometimes one can break bad news by pretending there's even worst news. The following is an example of the use of this method.
You: Mom, I have bad news.
Mom: What is it, my sweet little angel?
You: I need $1000 for drugs.
Mom: (eyes glazed over and mouth agape) Uh...is that true?
You: No, but I'm gay.
Mom: (a look of confusion now subsumes her face) Okay...
Unfortunately, due to the high probability of this method backfiring, it is rarely used.
The "I Love You" Method[edit | edit source]
Sometimes greasing up a parent by reminding how much you love them would soften the blow of the news that you're a homosexual. This is also one of the most frequent way a person reveals his homosexuality.
You: Dad, have I told you how much I love you?
Dad: (with a look of disbelief) Okay, how much money do you want?
You: (with a wincing smile on your face while simultaneously putting your arm around him) Dad, I just like to tell you that I love you, can't I do that?
Dad: (looking less incredulous) Okay, I love you too, son.
You: Dad, the two things that I don't tell you often enough is that I love you and that I'm gay.
Dad: (no sound except that of the sound of his hand smacking your face)
Obviously this method works better for mothers than fathers, and is not recommending for breaking the news to any patriarch of your family unless you want red marks from his belt on your backside (but maybe you're into that sort of thing...)
The "Hit and Run" Method[edit | edit source]
One of the newer and more popular methods is the "hit and run" method. This will usually get the point across and will allow you to do so without getting whipped.
You: Mom, I'm gay.
You then proceed to run out, grab a taxi, and move to Africa where you die of starvation with all your homo friends, while your mom faints from the shock.
Specific Issues[edit | edit source]
In addition to the general issues there might be extenuating circumstances which might improve or worsen the chance of a peaceful announcement of homosexuality to your parents. Here are some of the most common cases which merits extra consideration.
If You're an Evangelical Protestant[edit | edit source]
Tell your parents that you are not gay but instead have a "wide stance." Claim that you have been mislead by the secular media into this sinful lifestyle and that you could change, and carry around a whip and self-flagellate each time you see a pretty boy. This will most definite serve to stimulate your prurient masochistic urges for people of the same sex.
If You're Muslim[edit | edit source]
Prepare a will and last testament. Since you'll be stoned to death anyway, enjoy the transient joys of life, such as getting high off of every chemical known and unknown to man and while high fuck every boy you could get your greedy hands on. You only live once, so unless you're James Bond or a cat you might as well enjoy your life while you have one.