Cardiopulmonary resuscitation

“Ah-ah-ah-ah, stayin' alive! Stayin' alive!”

~ The Bees Gees
~ Michael Scott on CPR training videos

“Ow, my chest”

~ CPR survivor on his broken ribs

“Huhuhuh, hey Beavis, that guy is pressing on that sleeping chick's boobies! Huhuhuhuh”

~ Butthead on CPR

“Ehh, maybe she's not really sleeping, that's kinda messed up, heheheh”

~ Beavis on CPR

Heheh, CPR failed on him because he doesn't have boobies!

CPR, short for Cardiopulmonary resuscitation or something lame, is the art of re-aliving someone who has stopped breathing, or something. Apparently you have to squeeze someone's boobies or something really hard, and then it makes them breathe again when they stop breathing?

HAHAHAHA that's the funniest thing I've heard in school since we had sex ed and they talked about our peepers getting hard and shooting stuff! And even funnier than that weird unit about us having no defined genders despite having either peepees or vajayjays!

Uh, and now my teacher is telling me to be more serious. Haha, serious about what? Apparently squeezing someone's boobies is the way to bring them back to life! Huhuhuh, that's hilarious! Hahaha.

Oh, oh, and now Mrs. Teacher is saying "wait til it happens to me!" Let me laugh even harder! HAHAHAHAHAHA

Yeah, yeah, and put me in detention, I don't care.

..but wait, I don't have any boobies like all the chicks in this class. And especially not big boobies like Millie's. Or Gus, the fat kid. Does that mean if I choke, I'm screwed because I don't got no boobies?

OVERALL GRADE: D+

Billy, it appears you have mostly failed to understand the basic principles of CPR. Please see me in detention to re-write this report, or you will fail 7th grade health class

Aww, do I have to?

Wait, what's going to happen to me in detention?