HowTo:Speak a Foreign Language
Unfortunately, occasionally white Anglo Saxons are forced to leave their own countries and enter foreign places where, stupidly the local populace haven't learned English specifically for your arrival (the Bastards). So you may have to find a means to communicate with these ignorant Neanderthals. But wait! Don't Go! With this simple guide on How To Speak a Foreign Language you'll be able to achieve you're everyday activities from ordering prostitutes to swearing at the police.
Step 1: Talking Louder[edit | edit source]
Surprisingly shouting at a person who doesn't speak English will instantaneously cause them to become fluent. This phenomena was first discovered by British holidaymaker and linguist Charley Lions while on holiday in Spain during the 1950's.
Charley: Oy! Guvna! Get me sum bloody Fish n' Chips
Spanish Waiter: Apesadumbrado no hablo inglés
Charley: OY! YA CUNT GET ME SUM FOOD
Spanish Waiter: Golly! my past ignorance has been cleansed and I now speak perfect English!
Unfortunately, although the shouting method has a 100% success rate, many foreigners deliberately refuse to speak English out of jealousy and resentment towards Britain's thriving cultural scene and it's Proud and God fearing Monarchy.
Step 2: Adding Unnecessary Vowels to the Ends of Words[edit | edit source]
If the barbarian ignored your desperate bellowings for food, then adding unnecessary vowels to english words is just the thing for you. No matter what the language, this method is sure to impress the Natives, and show them your humbleness at discarding your far superior language for their god awful babblings. This method was discovered by the late Paddy O'Furniture on his visit to Rome in the mid 70's.
Paddy O'Furniture: Ha-ware-ya? I'ed like a pient o' gennus please.
Italian Barman: Non parlo inglese, chiedo all'altro impiegato
Paddy O'Furniture: Howo are-io yah? I'ed-a liek-e a piento o' gennus-io please-eh.
Italian Barman: A thousand pardons, I did not realise you had mastered the Italian language, please take all my money as a token of my apology.
It is allso acceptable to add in other random accented characters into english words, as in certain areas of the world, this is how language is formed. This was discovered on a holiday made by Peter Johnson
Peter: Hello sir, may I please have a beer?
German Bartender: Es tut mir sehr leid, Herr Englander, aber Ich spreche kein Englisch.
Peter: Hällö ßír, màÿ Ì plëãßé håvé ã Béèr?
German local: Im so sorry, I thought you were English, I didn't realise you were so good at our language, my apologies.
Step 3: Trash the Place[edit | edit source]
If the Foreigner continues to feign confusion then this is an obvious sign that he is challenging you to a fight. I recommend attacking him as he goes "To get somun oo parle anglaise bon" Smash a bottle of that wine that he's so fond of over his head and then go on to rouse any other tourists in the area and encourage them to help you tear the place down. As the sweet and familiar noise of police sirens reach your ears you can leave the establishment, safe in the knowledge that you tried your best.
Difficult Languages[edit | edit source]
If you must speak with someone from a place where the previous steps won't work, then you must try other approaches. Try this when conversing with someone in a tribal region of Africa: "Rahda Rahda Rahda Rahda!" If that doesn't work, try this line: "Mooba Doomba Booba Doogoo Boodoo Roogah." This is the simple basis of many native African languages.
Other difficult languages are spoken in European areas such as Scandinavia. Here is a the simple basis of these languages: "Bergen derda byorgen hoof de doofen morka splergen." Having trouble with Russian? It's easy, it just sounds like this: "Brashno kakdolyo za yushka trashcanovitch."
The languages spoken in Asian countries can be challenging as well. Practice Chinese by throwing a metal trash can down the stairs. Then, immitate the sounds. Japanese is much simpler still. Just use phrases that sound like the following: "Yushi sushi takanushi."
In the middle east, try this stuff out: "Derka derka sherpa al balla Mohammed Jihad." Or, "Allah derka al zahra jerky derka jihadi kamesh."
By just imitating thier languages, you can successfully communicate with all foriegners.