HowTo:Not Have a Useful Discourse

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So you want to be able to claim you talked to someone, but you didn't want to get caught accidentally agreeing with them? Or you just want to talk at someone, but don't want to listen to what they really have to say? This article is for you! Here are some useful tips on how not to have a useful discourse (or discussion).

Insult them subtly, or not so subtly[edit]

  • Mix an insulting word, such as "idiot", with a word that could either be taken as a complement, or another insult, such as "useful". The use of the word "idiot" when preceded by the word "useful" could either mean someone who lacks intelligence who is performing useful work, or someone who lacks intelligence who is easily manipulated by another. "Control freak" is another example of this: Control is often viewed as a good thing, since most people like to remain in control of their own situation, especially responsible people. Freak implies that the person has OCD or Nazi syndrome, or is otherwise obsessed or psycho about controlling their or others' situations. Speaking of manipulation, that brings us to the next point.

Imply that they are manipulative[edit]

Nobody likes to be manipulated, so in implying they are manipulative, you are also implying that they are unlikable. Further, you are implying that their words and actions are untrustworthy, with ulterior motives.

Put down their hard work[edit]

Avoid giving them any credit for the hard work they have done, especially if it might be beneficial to you in any way. This is a way of damaging their credibility. It is also a way of telling them that as far as you are concerned, they are free slave labor. This is not the same thing as pointing out specific things that they could have improved, which is constructive criticism, and might actually help them improve their own work in the future. Constructive criticism should be avoided if you do not want to have a useful discussion. Above all, never show any appreciation or gratitude.

Make lame excuses[edit]

Even if your own work is subpar, make excuses for yourself, no matter how lame the excuse. Always have an excuse handy! In fact, you should collect excuses, so that you have as many spare excuses to use as possible! Never allow anyone to pass responsibility, nor especially blame, to you!

Become angry at the slightest criticism[edit]

If someone criticizes you, this is the first step to them all-out blaming you. Thus, you must never accept any criticism, no matter how small, no matter how trivial. Never let anything roll off your back, and never take anything in stride. Avoid blame at all costs!

Interrupt constantly[edit]

Never let the other person get a word in edgewise. Never let them even make their point.

Never apologize[edit]

Apologies are the bane of UN-useful discussion. They can change even the least useful of discussions into a useful discussion, as they help mend the working relationships that civil discussions are usually based on. Thus, they must be avoided at all costs!

Repeat yourself[edit]

If the first time doesn't get the point across, the 20 millionth time should. Make sure you repeat yourself as often as possible. Be sure to act angrier each time you repeat yourself. Better yet, repeat all the steps above until the discussion is over.

Win at any cost[edit]

Life is all about winning. Nobody likes losers. Never give in to anyone on anything. Never let them win. Make the discussion into a game of chicken, where neither party will yield.

Run for Congress[edit]

Now that you have mastered the art of winning and having useless discussions, you are now in a prime position to run for political office. Find some suckers to vote for you: pay the mass media massive amounts of money for advertising, knock on some doors, and post some lawn signs to find suckers to vote for you. Or, if you are especially ambitious, go for the Big One and run for President.

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