HowTo:Make America More Popular

I don’t know if you’ve noticed… But good ol’ America isn’t too popular these days. Surprised? So was I. Now I know what you’re thinking, “What the hell did we do to get so unpopular, and how the hell are we going to fix it?” The answer to the first question is simple enough. The Bush White House and Fluorescent Lights (explained in separate article). The second question, however, is not as easy to answer. Only one person knows how to fix this newest threat to our nations sovereignty. And his ideas will be explained in the following article.

#1 – Switch Alabama with Hawaii

What does this look like to you? It look like a better tomarrow.

Ok, first we need to attack problems on the home front. I am talking, of course, about Alabama. Apologies to Alabamians, but let’s be honest, nobody likes Alabama! However, everybody loves Hawaii. So the answer to this problem is simple. Switch Alabama with Hawaii. Not only will this bring all the tourism Hawaii gets to the continental United States, but Alabama will be floating out somewhere in the Pacific with its only residents, two goats and the remaining members of Lynyrd Skynyrd.

#2 – Elect a member of the WWE as President

NOW LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, IRAQ!

Now, let me make something very clear, I hate the WWE. Then why should I propose this ridiculous idea? Fear. I’ll give you an example of what I mean. Have you ever seen Bush talk about the war in Iraq? Half the time he isn’t even confident in what he says. But whenever The Undertaker is threatening an opponent, I can almost see that opponent pissing himself in the HD TV I don’t have. Now imagine that opponent being Iraq… Mission Accomplished would have been achieved right after that speech, believe me. The Undertaker would scare the Al Qaeda right out of those caves.

#3 – Let European Football teams into the NFL

Let European Football teams into the NFL. Think about it, it wouldn’t hurt any, they all suck! Maybe if everyone in Amsterdam wasn’t stoned all the time they could practice, but that’s not the point. Letting Europe into our sacred sport would make us look good and get Football one step closer to being an Olympic sport. It’s a win-win for us!

#4 – Let in the Mexicans

Now, don’t judge a book by its cover. Illegal immigration is wrong and illegal. It says it right in the name. Think of it as a long-term investment. We let the Mexicans in, and there will be chaos in the streets at first. But eventually they will get bored and keep going north. Into Canada. Problem solved! The Mexicans love us and are well on their way to some moose burgers and free healthcare!

#5 – Take our Troops out of Iraq

… And put them in Belgium. Nobody, even in America, supports our government keeping that many troops in Iraq for so song. It’s giving our great nation a terrible rep. Plus, Belgium has a monopoly on the world’s chocolate business! We need to get our hands into that! We take over Belgium, and their chocolate monopoly (chocopoly, if you will), not to mention the waffles! America’s financial woes are soon healed, leading to a much more popular and richer country.

Is America More Popular Yet?

Well, is it? If not, get on it! Not just the government, the average Joe can also help put these plans to action. Now, don’t tell me these ideas are ridiculous and impossible to put into place. I already know that. But, if by some means we can put at least one of these ideas to action, we would be sitting pretty. Do it for a better tomorrow. Do it for a better America. Do it for Morgan Freeman.