HowTo:Kidnap someone

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Kidnapping someone is an easy task! Don't listen to those sources that lie about how you'll get caught and spend life in prison - they're just pro-cop propaganda. This article will teach you how to kidnap someone easily and painlessly.

First step: Get lots of assault rifles[edit | edit source]

Just go to a pawn shop, smile nicely at the owner, compliment them, and offer a high price for an assault rifle. You can now quickly skip the background checks and buy your guns.

Second step: Arrive at an event with lots of kids[edit | edit source]

Really any event works here, such as going to a classroom in Uvalde, a social gathering, etc. Discretely take your assault rifle with you.

Third step: Execute the kidnapping[edit | edit source]

Walk into a bathroom. Wait until one of those weak, defenseless kids comes into the bathroom. Now, cover their mouth quickly, point your assault rifle at them, and knock them out with cloraform (sorry, we forgot to mention that you would need this earlier).

Now, you need to pick the child up! Bring them with you while you head to an unlocked car and pretend to own it.

Fourth step: Bring the child with you[edit | edit source]

Yay! Now you have your child with you in the unlocked car that you are pretending to own. Hopefully, you are living in a state where it's normal to have assault rifles in your car (if not, this won't work, but let's be honest, everyone in the United States and beyond can own a shitload of guns).

Now you can drive them home with you.

Fifth step: Abuse the child for as long as you'd like[edit | edit source]

Nobody will ever catch you at this point, will they, eh? Now you can abuse your kidnapped child for life! Nobody will ever suspect or catch you.