HowTo:Drive A Car
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There is nothing more rewarding in life (besides losing your virginity of course) than the personal freedom gained from driving a car. You will have a skill that above all others will define you as an adult member of society. It will give you the power once reserved for gods. You will have power over a one ton chunk of steaming independence. The power to go on long drug addled road trips or kill a random pedestrian while texting your friends. You are one step further towards world domination.
Ok you now have your first victim, er, Automobile your grandmothers 93 Buick. It will be perfect for meeting the criteria of this course. Open the door, take a moment to let the 800 degree air out of the car. This is a valuable skill to have. You now understand why it is important to leave the window open a little when leaving babies and the elderly in a parked car. Sun light will turn a car into an easy bake oven in minutes. Now that the car is cooled down place the keys into the ignition. DO NOT attempt to start the car you are not at that step yet. Now with the door still open lock the doors. At this time you should exit the vehicle. Now close the car door. Very good you are learning at a startling speed. You now will need to open the door and get back in. The puzzled look on your face would mean you have what it takes to learn to drive. As by following the rules word for word has left you locked out of the vehicle.
Congratulations you are ready for one of the most important skills known to drivers. Just picture it, it's 3AM in the morning you spent a wonderful evening with a hot young girl/boy/farm animal (don't worry we won't judge you). As your approach your vehicle in a large poorly lit parking lot, you notice a small group of zombies heading to intercept you. If you are a Quick thinking individual your first reaction will be to trip your date and make a break for the car. This is a very good and acceptable course of action, but as upon arriving at the car you notice the keys have been locked inside. If you would have dated a fatty you would have more time but your vanity has cost you valuable seconds. As you can see this skill is very pivotal to man's survival. There are many approaches to take here. the quickest is the rock to the window technique. pick up a large rock hit the glass with all your strength. see the glass breaks very easily now you can unlock the door and get in.
As you by now have noticed your grandmother has set the seat in a position that would make a midget uncomfortable. Take a moment to put the seat in a more relaxed position. To look extra cool recline the seat to a point where you can just barely see out over the steering wheel.
It is critical to your safety that the mirrors cover the area's of view that your can't see without taking attention from the road ahead. pay special attention to the sides, mainly the back corners of your car. This is were zombies, werewolves, and serial killer clowns will sneak up on you from. Especially low to the ground. As for the rear veiw mirror, it is imperative that this key piece of safety equipment be adjusted in such a way as to see into the back seat. In 86% of all horror movies the killer is in the back seat. Would you rather see him crouched down hiding or just as he swings the axe at your head?
Test safety features
Because of rampant lobbying by bureaucrats and mad mothers many cars have been equipped with pricey gadgets to provide you with the illusion of safety. This part of the course will help you understand the merits of these devices, and bypass the ones that are not needed.
A.B.S. or anti lock brake system is worthless. This system gives control of your brakes to a small gerbil under the hood. Said gerbil's main job is to make sure that when you slam on the brakes the car makes a slow controlled stop. great if you are a car bad if you are the 6 year old child you just ran down because a gerbil didn't want make a screeching sound when it stopped. Locate the fuse box on your car via the owners manual. Now locate the fuse for the ABS system. remove it, toss it out the window like a condom that could have been used as evidence in your rape trial. You will now not only be able to stop on all dime, but every one in town will know it when you do.
These are a purticularly brutal device. Picture your self in a head on colision with an on-coming car. Thanks to this piece of machinery at the absolute hieght of impact just as you start to hurdle towards the dash board at 60 mph, explosives in your steering wheel will inflate a cloth balloon in your path at 280mph. The average profesional boxer has an average punching speed measured out at 25mph. Any questions on the effect on your head? Cut a hole in your steering wheel and pull the mechanism out. As for the passenger side air bag leave it it's fun to watch.
These devices are designed to let which direction you are thinking of driving, and in the case of highway driving they let oncoming traffic know which way you will swerve when playing chicken. These are only important in the front go ahead and get out of the car and kick the rear turn signals out. As well as the brake lights you don't need a reminder that you can't see telling you that your pushing the brake pedal down. this is how other drivers know you are a novice driver. (noob) Advanced drivers almost always have them kicked out already.
These have no real use except in night driving scenarios. In the case you are forced to drive at night, use them. Remember that driving at night is bad becuase it's when most homicidle maniacs abduct drivers. When driving at night always use your brights, Why use them at half power you want all the light you can handle. This will also make you a stand out among men when traffic is travleing in the opposite direction.
Avoid this piece of equiptment like the plague. It was designed by germans, yes you heard it right germans. Its main job is to assure fatalities increase in car accidents. Example: You swerve to miss a cudly creature in the road ( this was your first mistake) upon swerving your auto you careen off the side of a steap hill. the car now ricoches of the local fawna like a pinball. your seatbelt holds you safe in your seat all the way to the final tree. As the car impacts the final tree it explodes into an epic fireball, ripping the flesh from your bones, and fusing you to the metal seat frame. If you had ignored the seat belt you would have been thrown like a rag doll through the windshield and now be curled up in a ball in pain. In pain but not dead.
Time to start it up
Take a moment to jingle the keys. AH! the sound of freedom, a right of passage among men. You are king of the world. Place the key in the ignition. Notice that strange noise it makes when you hold the keys in the start position. It is kind of mesmerizing. I am taken back to the time of my youth. My first car a 1971 dodge dart used to make that noise every time i tried to start it. You now may smell a strange smell. it is the starter you have burned it up. Do Not turn off the car at this point, as it will not restart. now you know what it means to not turn the key too long.
This is another critical limit of your vehicle that needs to be defined. make sure the car is in park. now, push the accelerator pedal to the floor. Take special notice to the sound of raw power. take the time to let off of the pedal and push it to the floor several times. Its like in the movies you are a race car driver. Finally hold it down and don't let off. The car will eventually give up. There look at all that smoke you have blown the engine. the good news at this point is that you know this cars mechanical limits. The bad news is no two cars are alike. This would be a good time to blow the engines of several cars. A car dealer ship is the best place for this. After you kill about ten or twelve cars you will have a pretty good average to go by.
Oil is the blood of your car. without this sweet nectar it will die. In the process of finding knowledge you will have to familiarize yourself with this phenomenon. Locate the drain plug on the bottom of the oil pan. remove it. watch the mechanical blood ooze all over the driveway. Life dripping away like my wife who slept with the divorce attorney. Die, Die, Die. Now start the car, and put the pedal to the floor again. Notice how much quicker it struggles to live. How much more abrupt it dies. Get another car, and return to the beginning of this article.
Warning this is purely educational. Due to the advanced techniques contained in this article you may need to have several automobiles at your disposal. By no means are you to try these techniques in your own vehicle. As with most trial and error learning experiences some vahicles may not complete the course with you. It is further advised that you borrow a car from a family member, they tend to get mad but very seldom bring forth litigation. If you must borrow a motor vehicle from someone with out getting permission please refer to HowTo:Hotwire a car.