HowTo:Change Your Identity

The action of changing your identity is a procedure usually undertaken when on the run from the law, organized crime, stalker of the same sex or your raging ex-girlfriend. It can be very lengthy and involve a lot of time and effort on your part. Don't fret, however; thousands of other notable individuals have undergone a successful identity change, and so can you.

Changing Your Identity

So, you want to change your identity, eh? Well, contrary to common belief, it's easier than it sounds. Follow this step-by-step procedure, and you'll be safely living as another person in no time.

Step One: the 7 P's ( Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance )

If time permits plan ahead and do some or all of the following secretly:

• learn a new language
• try out new accents
• learn new job skills
• learn new hobbies
• develop a taste for different foods
• switch handedness (lefties become righties and vice versa)
• change your sense of fashion (or develop or lose a sense of fashion)

Step Two: Sever All Ties

The first part of any identity change involves severing all ties with the known world. For some of us internet users, this won't be a challenge to pull off; nevertheless, you must be as careful as possible, as one loose end can blow your cover.

First, take a step back from society. Cancel all magazine/newspaper subscriptions. Don't reply to snail mail, and get rid of your e-mail address. Wipe your computer clean, making sure to cancel internet subscriptions as well. And most importantly of all, DISCONNECT YOUR PHONE. Although this may seem a little over-the-top, if you are truly dedicated to disappearing, you will make sure to eliminate all possible methods that can be used to contact you. Note: you can keep your cell phone but you must get rid of the SIM card. If you plan on getting a new phone with your new identity placing the old one in a constantly moving vehicle (bus, taxi or train) will give anybody tracking it the run around.

Then, move on to your work-related ties. Quit your job, clean out your office of any and all items, dust the place for fingerprints, and wash the room in bleach. Anyone inquiring in your workplace will find absolutely no evidence you existed. Next, withdraw all money from your bank account, cancel it, and remove your name from the register. Cancel all credit cards/debit cards as well: they are an easy way to discover a person in hiding.

If you have a sense of humor and are willing to increase your risks slightly have fun with change of address cards/forms. Send a new address to financial companies is a cemetery or white collar prison, to family/friends give an address that would make them laugh like a city your named after or a street address that sounds like your name, to enemies give addresses that will make them jealous like a tropical paradise. NOTE: don't move to any of these addresses.

Step Three: Choose a New Name

Many people under witness protection programmes often get renamed pretty normal-looking names like: John Smith, Brian Williams, James Jones, or Nguyễn Thuô Duôc. This is pretty boring considering the naming possibilities. Instead consider the advice of the biggest snitch of all time, Sicilian mafia Penissi Tomaso Buschetta who changed his name 180 times during his long retirement, while being hunted by all mafia-related gangs of the worlds.

Another thing you should think about when changing your name is not to take a name that is pretty similar to your current, or is related to your character in some way. Like if your name is William but your nickname is Cool Bill, you shouldn't rename yourself Bill Cool. Right? Or if your internet-name is NOob606 it wouldn't be good to be called Newb Sixohsix for the rest of your life. Also don't use your pornstar name (use your middle name as a first name and the street you grew up on as your last name) for the same reasons.

This leaves too many leads to people that want to figure out your personality. Instead chose a real bizarre and creative name. This simple premise leaves you with endless possibilities in renaming your self. Just consider our new-name suggestions when figuring out:

• Buffalo Bill, Armin Zacharides, Jenna Jones, Max Power, Big Bopper, Roman Roger, Bizzaro P. Icarus, Rowan Mc Dowan, Michael Collins, Adriana ConCozza, Ludwig Incognito, Alcibiades Rex, McLovin or Fürst Chlodwig zu Hohenlohe-Schillingsfürst.

• Your new name MUST be one of them above, to be eligible with international laws and standards.*

If you are totally lacking in creativity get a bag of scrabble tiles and pull some out. This is how Canada got it's name: They pulled out a C and said C aah, then pulled out an N and said N aah, then pulled out a D and said D aah.

Step Four: Change Your Appearance

Probably the most important step in making an identity change is changing your appearance. You can use any amount or type of materials to do so. Most old-school identity changers chose to wear long trenchcoats, wide-brimmed hats, sunglasses and Groucho Marx style plastic nose and mustache; but, this is very unoriginal and not so inconspicuous in the year 2009. A complete makeover is suggested; dressing in a different style, wearing disguising makeup, and/or getting plastic surgery. This includes gender reassignment surgery.

Step five: Move

Now that you're a new person, you must find someplace to live. Generally, leaving the country is a good idea if you're in danger of being followed. However, I do know a gentleman who lived under an assumed name in the house next door to his former residence; so you could hide out anywhere.

See also

• Identity theft