HowTo:Be an Inventor

Becoming an inventor is one of today's premiere ways to have a job and make a positive contribution to society while doing no real work. Not to mention people will think you're 10x smarter than you really are.

Step 1: Drink Heavily

Two gentlemen well on their way to creative genius

Creative juices cannot be turned on and off like a tap, they must be gotten from a bottle. So pop a cold one and let the smart juice flow. This step is what separates the inventors who fail from those who succeed. Most people will try to invent something at some point in their lives, only to find their uncreative, uninspired idea has already been done. This is where alcohol plays its part. By altering your perception of the world, you remove the bias about what is a good idea, and are free to create something no one has made before. Gary Dahl, the creator of the pet rock, was up to a bottle of gin a day when he was hit with his stroke of genius.

Step Two: Come up with an idea

There are a few different ways to start the creative process, so take your pick (or flip a coin)

Option One: Try to go about your daily home life

Hammered as you are, you will naturally and unconsciously change your daily schedule to fit your new vomiting and falling over needs. These new tasks will allow you to experience first hand the needs or the boozehound market. Your thought process should go something like this:

“Man, puking into a toilet is hard. Maybe I could make a device to line my head up with the bowl…”

Option Two: Think of Stuff

The Toasterphone, one of the ideas you should be having right now

In your current state, the ideas should flow in quite readily. If you still can't think of anything, you might think about just combining two existing items. Cell phones are good. Everything can go in a cellphone. MP3 players too. Or you could just write a crappy 'how-to' for uncyclopedia.

And just like that, you're already following in the footsteps of great inventors, such as Samuel Adams, Mikhail Budweiser, or that chick on the bottle of that one beer...you know, that blond one. Yeah.

Step Three: Draw up your Idea

Microsoft Paint makes a handy computer drafting tool if you’re drunk enough

This step should be completed soon after step two, before the award winning idea is forgotten. Sit down, try to relax, and put your idea on paper, remembering to label all important parts and give a detailed description of the usage. Or just drool on the paper. That's good, too.

Once the schematics are finished, you should consider making a prototype. This step is not actually necessary to get a patent, rather because it is more difficult to use a prototype as toilet paper, thereby protecting your work from accidental destruction.

Step Four: Getting a Patent

No, you did not invent the iphone

You may want to sober up for this part, lest you end up patenting naked pictures of yourself cause you had no idea what you mailed to the patent office. Feeling better? Okay Try to read your sketches from last night. Remember, the sketches. The sketches you did last night. Dude you totally drew up some sketches, I saw you. I don’t know, check the coffee table. They were there? Sweet. Okay, now look at them. Hmm, kind of hard to read what you wrote there. Can you make out any of the labels? What about the description? Fuck. Okay, look at the prototype probably sitting on your bathroom floor. Not there? Try the porch. Okay, does it jog any memories? Fuck! Well, I’m out of ideas.

Step Five: Continuing your Invention Career

Well, if you do ever remember it, you’re going to want to patent it. The charge for patenting stuff in the US is kinda steep, like $40 or something, I don’t know. Try getting a Mexican patent; that should be cheaper. Now that you have a patent, the money should start flowing in. Hell, you’ll probably get a grant or something, which you can spend on more booze and repeat the whole process all over again.

Warning: Excessive inventing can cause permanent liver and brain damage

See Also

• Invention
• Things America Did Not Invent