Harley IronClaw

Harley in his younger years during beach season.

Harley IronClaw, not to be confused with gay actor of film and stage Harvey Fierstein, is a name that echoes throughout the forests of North America and Southern Mexico. He is known as The King of All Bears. The trees still whisper his name. He is a hero in all definitions of the word. His contributions to the amazing history of this world are more than any other being. Harley is most closely associated with the famed Southern folk hero and performer (and bear hater), Strings McPickens. But, there is more to the legend of Harley IronClaw than that.

The Legend of Harley IronClaw

Harley's eternal spirit is one that can be traced back through the ages and is as old as the forest itself. His long foretold birth was a moment that started an age, the Age of Harley. There are many legends about where he came from and what he did; these are all of them.

The first legend; Harles "Harley Ironclaw" Anderson is the bastard son of Wilma Anderson and immigrant bear Tajakuri Noritomisakezura, and that's it.

The second legend of Harley IronClaw offers more evidence to truth than does the one above. During the Great Bearhunt of 1809 in which hundreds of millions of humans stormed the forest and mercilessly slayed all of the bears, one lone bearcub survived the massacre. The forest protected the newly born cub until all of the humans got bored and went home. Harley owed his life to the forest and vowed to be its protector. On his vision quest, he couldn't see where he was going and he ended up down in Southern Mexico where he mingled with the local rebels and adapted their fighting style known as Guerrilla Warfare into Bear Warfare. Upon his return to his home forest, Harley felt a subtle disturbance in the western winds, they were blowing in from the east. This had nothing to do with the perilous situation at hand. It was just then that he laid eyes upon a Predator. This alien, like all others in his race, spent his time travelling from planet to planet hunting and killing the most worthy opponents, fortunately for him he found Harley. Using his bear warfare, Harley was able to turn a tree into a catapult and cleverly make a tripwire system that would activate the catapult once the alien was in the proper position and launch hundreds of porcupines at him simultaneously in a matter of seconds. Luckily for Harley, the trap worked. As Harley took off the Predators mask he began to say "You are one ugly mother-" but before he could finish his sentence the Predator slashed wildly with his blade and cut off Harleys right paw and then died. Little did Harley know that the fight was being watched by the elder coundil of Predators who admired his fighting skill and as an honor grafted onto him a claw made out of Space Iron, more commonly known as regular Iron. Harley Iron Claw eats massive ballsack by the way.

The Third Legend of Harley IronClaw is the most believable out of all of the different versions. It was just a normal day at the local Iron Mill when some stupid worker decided to eat his lunch consisting of honey-marmalade sandwiches on the edge of a vat of molten iron. Harley caught the aroma from thousands of miles away and hurried his way towards the mill. Fun Fact: Bears noses are more sensitive to honey than sharks noses are to blood. Anyway, Harley finally arrived in a few seconds and scoped out the heavily fortified Iron Mill. He immediately noticed the two snipers and took them out by cleverly throwing a lot of rocks at them. Then he entered the mill and ingeniously bit and slashed his way through the defenseless workers to the long bridge strattled over The Pit that led directly to the worker and his sandwich. On his way over the bridge, out of nowhere appeared, 'The Boss'. Halrey charged at the boss, but little did Harley know that the boss was able to jump backwards off of the screen and appear behind Harley and Haduken him. So Harley faked a charge and before the bad guy did his special move Harley said "get over here" and did the classic "back back B" move to shoot a harpoon out of his hand and grab the boss by the throat and pull the boss to him giving him enough time to perform his fatality by doing an uppercut and knocking the boss off of the bridge onto the spikes below. Harley only having one bar of health left and being on the famous "Zero life," as well as not being able to see very well because everything kept flashing red, dragged himself towards the sandwich. But in a panic, the worker accidentally knocked the sandwich into the Iron, so Harley used the worker to fish the sandwich over to the edge. After crumpling up the worker and tossing him over his shoulder, Harley reached into the vat and missed the sandwich due to the flashing red and instead grabbed the molten Iron. The iron moulded around his hand thus giving him the name, (deh deh dehdehhhhh) Harley IronClaw.

Claw vs. Strings

Most people will know Harley as a bad guy because of this single incident. But, it is unknown to the American public that Strings McPickens was not only a member but the leader of the militant bear hating sect of the KKK and has been recently replaced by TV Anchor Stephen Colbert. As a fan and descendant of Harley, it must be said in his defense that the merciless slaughtering and all out massacre of the governor and his two defenseless aides, which I may add were slaves, was justified and was strictly an act of self defense. Despite their differences, Harley at times was a part of the Folk Force. The Claw-String Pact stated that when evil such as Brigham Young and the Bizarro Force threatened the environment, Harley and Strings were to unconditionally team up to save all that was dear to them. Harley was always bitter to Trout Larry ever since the loveable trout laid the smackdown on Harley when Harley tried to snatch him out of a waterfall in the Rocky Mountain Area.

The Sidekick

One unknown incident regarding our hero includes his exploits and ideological struggle with his young and reliable yet often hotheaded protege Bear Minimum. Originally, Bear Minimum (originally named Zion848) was created in the future by Brigham Young {since he never died he changed his name in the 31th (st and rd has been removed from the List of Acceptable Number Endings) century to Brigham Old} as a cloned assassin bear that due to complications of time travel became the Gary Coleman of bears. He was programmed to eliminate Harley IronClaw, King of Bears in order to change the future of the very universe into the Brigham Oldiverse. In an epic struggle that almost annihilated the entire Milky Way Galaxy, Bear Minimum got his his skull busted when Harley smacked him upside his head. Because of this, he lost all street cred and forgot his mission. Similar to how a baby bird imprints to the first thing it sees, Bear Minimum became attached to Harley. From that point on, Harley reluctantly took him under his claw although Bear Minimum had very little to add to the team.

History is based on the account of the winner. One battle that was neglected by scholars everywhere was the Battle of Bear Run during the United States Civil War. In this epic battle that shook the planet, our heroes alongside with famed Indian Chief Geronimo led the Apache Nation to victory over their oppressors. Incidentally the famed "incident" led to their eventual destruction. Anyway, Geronomo and the sacred ancestral Apache spirits were thankful and placed them in the sky to forever be the constellations Ursa Major and Ursa Minor. Their amazing team was commercialized by Hanna-Barbera as the cheap knockoffs and corny cartoon characters known as Yogi Bear and Boo Boo.

Harley and the 2nd Amendment

Recently, Harley has tried to clear his name of his dark past. It was Harley's intention to have an "ironclawectomy" but his insurance wouldn't cover the full expense. In a recent supreme court settlement, (Harley v. USA), supreme court stated that Harley did not have adequate insurance therefore he could not receive the ironclawectomy. Harley fought the case with another lawsuit stating that it was his constitutional right, as stated in the 2nd Amendment, to "bear arms." The case has not made its way to the supreme court yet but coming soon to a court near you, Harley v. USA 2: Judgement Day.

Harley and the 9th Commandment

One little known fact about Harley is that he cannot tell a lie. This is why at times he is considered both an enemy and an ally of the Folk Force. A simple history lesson will explain his dedication to the truth. For this, we explore the most accurate and reliable document ever written, The Bible. On Mt. Sinai, Moses got bored one night on his way down back to his people after receiving the 9 Commandments from the Big Guy. So, he etched in just above the last commandment "Thou shalt not BEAR false witness." "Clearly this is a curse binding our hero to truth", states historian Mike Ditka.(all players on the Chicago Bears are required to be familiar with Harley) Well, Ditka is God and God wrote the Bible so it has to be true.

Death?

Whether or not Harley died or lives on still or is just waiting to return in the Earths darkest hour is unknown. We do know the whereabouts of his gay disowned brother, Smokey, but as for Harley, who knows. But we do know that he will always live on in our hearts and in our media. It is rumored that he had sexual affairs with President Theodore Roosevelt, hence the fondness of the "Teddy Bear," he also inspired the characters of Baloo from the Jungle Book and the Berenstein Bears as well as the Care Bears to rally support of the bear cause in our youth. He also is the spokesman for LaBatt Blue Beer and inspired the American doughnut shop classic, "The Bear Claw." He also starred in the underground movie "Santa Claws" which is about a bear that prematurely wakes up from his hibernation during Christmas and he also starred in the underground porn classic, "Bear it All."