Granny gangs
“These are gangs. Gangs made up of grannies.”
“Brriiiaaaaannnnnnsssss!! Briiiaaaaannnnnssss!!! Garnneis Briaaannnssss!!!!”
“These Granny gangs is a threat to our country.”
Most of you have heard of granny gangs. Some of you may have even been attacked by one. But just in case you haven't, this page should tell you everything you need to know about them. Granny gangs are groups of angry grannies who roam about causing mass destruction. They pillage, steal, loot, plunder, and, worst of all, give lectures to young people about how easy kids these days have it. Seriously, this is worse than having all your fingers bitten off by Mike Tyson.
Origins[edit | edit source]
Granny gangs started around 1965 in London, England. These slightly age challenged women were angry about Vietnam protests and rock music. They would rove about major cities, yelling about how Paul McCartney was destroying the world, and lecture young people about how easy kids these days had it. Eventually, these grannies began to recruit young women over seventy-three years old. They started to spread all over the world, babbling about rock bands and how easy kids these days have it.
Appearance[edit | edit source]
Most granny gangs have their own uniforms. Many gangs, like the "Hell's Grannies" go for the all leather look. Other gangs, like the "Red Hat Society" wear, as their name states, red hats.
You can usually tell the difference from old people and granny gangs because of these colorful uniforms. Also, granny gangs are usually the only young women over seventy wearing colorful, matching uniforms, and talking about how easy kids these days have it, walking down the street.
Self Defense[edit | edit source]
Most grannies are not very hard to defend yourself against. One method is to simply walk away at an extremely brisk pace. This is the easiest to do and sometimes the best way. Another way to escape the grannies' fury is to push them down. In most cases, a fall of two feet will break a woman of over seventy-three's hip, making it impossible for them to give chase.
Scientist Dr. Ikisyormotherwitdismouth advises that if you are holding a weapon, you should "aim for the head, for without their heads, they are powerless." Ikisyormotherwitdismouth was, at first, scolded by the scientist community, but after dozens of experiments, they, surprisingly, found it to be true. Ikisyormotherwitdismouth eventually won a Nobel Prize, for his works in Granny Head Smashing.
The only really hard thing to defend yourself against is a cane. Most grannies carry a cane, because they need a bit of help walking. Unfortunately, this cane also doubles as a weapon. If you are hit with a grannies cane, the area will almost immediately begin to sting slightly. You should put ice on the wound, which no doubt will be a reddish mark. If you do not ice it, a bruise may develop, and then your mouth will foam, and you will get a great desire to attack. Scientists advise against this, for "it hurts."
Present Day[edit | edit source]
Today, granny gangs are all over the world. They are on every continent, including Antarctica, where they mercilessly hound scientists about how easy kids these days have it. In every country, they are a threat. They are even known to take all of the Depends undergarments and hard candy from grocery stores. This costs the store at least twenty-seven dollars and fifty-three cents. Most governments are trying to get rid of granny gangs, and they need all the help they can get. If you would like to help get rid of granny gangs, leave a comment on the discussion page.