Gedloch
Gedloch is an omnipotent being that stands atop of the cubiverse (a word which describes the shape of the universe). Although Gedloch's actual physical being cannot be imagined by anything living, when he visits Earth and other inhabited planets, he appears as a giraffe, whose height is nearly twenty feet tall. Gedloch is often referred to as Master of the Universe, however it is unknown whether or not Gedloch actually created the universe (or cubiverse) or if he just stands on it, being awesome. Truly, Gedloch the giraffe is a creature to aspire to.
Dance of the Pickled Onion[edit | edit source]
Gedloch is well-known for having the world's longest poem written on his back. The poem, entitled "Dance of the Pickled Onion" has never been completely read, it has been speculated that Johnny Ramone once read 1/10,000,000,000th of the poem, but before he could complete it, Gedloch ate his face and cursed him by forcing him to the play in the band The Ramones. The topic and point of Dance of the Pickled onion is confusing and disorientating at best, it is said that the poem influenced The Ramone's song "Blitzkreig Bop" as well as Nine Inch Nail's "Hurt" and the My Chemical Romance album "Black Parade", much of which is plagiarized from the poem.
The closest person to come to finishing the poem was Tom from MySpace, Tom then continued to convert the poem into HTML format, except the final paragraph (which was, unfortunately, written in JavaScript. The uncompleted abomination resulted in the creation of MySpace.
Ultra-edge[edit | edit source]
Gedloch is possibly the first ever person to adopt the ultra-edge lifestyle, an off-shoot of the straight edge lifestyle. This is because Gedloch feeds entirely of pure positive energy, absorbed through his pores. Because he absorbs entirely pure energy from the cubiverse, his body is free of all negative energies, toxins and alcohol. It is believed that this is what causes Gedloch to live forever... and to be ultra xradcorex.
The Beaumont Children[edit | edit source]
During the mid-sixties, three Australian children known as "The Beaumont Children" mysteriously vanished and were never seen again. Many theories arose as to what may have happened to the children, but these are all incorrect. The three Beaumonth children were prophesied to destroy the universe, and as Master of the Universe, Gedloch took responsibility. As Gedloch is incapable of murder, he scrambled their identities, a process that involves altering a person's physical appearance, memory and personality. It is impossible to say which child became who, but they have been tracked down. One of them became a Hollywood actor and can be seen as an Elf in the opening scenes of The Fellowship of the Ring, another became an old man who occasionally shows up in the newspaper for hitting small children with his car and the third is a familiar black and white cat with a very magical bag.
Acts Throughout History[edit | edit source]
Gedloch has known to appear on Earth in giraffe form, while on Earth he has achieved many goals, such as:
- Inventing phospherous
- The first creature to walk on water (in tight leather pants)
- Shoddily finishing Tolkein's "The Similarion"
- Fighting the war on terror (and winning for a brief moment)
- Assassinating Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand and plunging the world into World War I
- Lead vocalist for Panic! At The Disco
- Teaching Peter Garrett to dance
- Ghost-writing the first four Harry Potter novels (the one's that were almost readable)
- Murdering Pope John Paul II
- Giving birth to Peter Costello
- Inventing the Breakdown
- Inventing the Pig Squeal
- To prove Christians wrong on everything
- Planning to murder Tom and Xan for not having a sense of humour