Eric Lindros
Eric 'Socrates, no...Plato' Lindros (born February 28, 1937) is an underrated actor, performer, and NHL hockey player, formerly of the Philadelphia Flyers. Under his auspices, the Flyer army was able to conquer many territories through hockey victories. However, Eric began to experiment with the performing arts and suffered numerous concussions from poorly choreographed, open-ice body checks. His injuries have lead to a level of mental retardation unparalleled among professional athletes.
Personal life[edit | edit source]
Eric spent much of his childhood in Canada hunting moose and and playing ice hockey. This environment helped him grow to 6'4, 250 lbs. by the age of 13 and physically own his peers on the hockey rink. He and his younger brother, Brett, soon began to dominate the southern Ontario bush-leagues obtaining ranks of Prime Minister and Governor General, respectively.
It was during this era he obtained the nicknames 'the Big E' because he capitalized his first name in signatures, and 'the next one' in regards to a 1987 warrant for his arrest following a 67-0 defeat of the entire Royal Canadian Mounted Police cavalry in a charity game.
Hockey career[edit | edit source]
Junior career[edit | edit source]
Eric soon led a militant army named the Oshawa Generals. From 1990 to 1992 he tallied 5.5 days of penalty minutes, 2435 goals, and 3 assists in 95 games. For his efforts he received a Memorial Cup, the Eddie Powers Memorial Trophy as top scorer, the Red Tilson Trophy as MVP, the CHL Player of the Year award, and the CHL Top Draft Prospect Award. His bounty was also increased to $150 (Canadian) for the murder of 15 men with body checks and powerful slap shots during these seasons.
1991 NHL Entry Draft[edit | edit source]
In 1991 the Quebec Nordiques captured Lindros and held him for 1 full year where he refused to eat or wear their prison attire. He was frequently mocked by the french captors for his Canadian English accent and large masculine physique.
An American battalion from Philadelphia carried out a seige on the Colisée Pepsi, freeing him from their shackles. Eric decided to repay this generosity by joining their forces for the next 8 years. Commander Peter Forsberg and Sergeant Ron Hextall abandoned their squadron to join the French forces and prepare for an eventual invasion through the Rocky Mountains.
Philadelphia Flyers[edit | edit source]
Eric used shear physical strength to rise to an elite status among his comrades. The Philadelphia Flyers had many hockey victories and reached a final Stanley Cup battle in 1997 but were ultimately defeated by the Red Wings of Detroit.
This loss, coupled with growing tensions between Eric and General Bobby Clarke, led to a slow withdraw from the game of hockey. Lindros still dominated in penalty minutes and goals, but became increasingly interested in the graceful, dramatic side of hockey. Eric sought to combine hockey with the athletic performing arts, similar to pro-wrestling. His elegant dance contained many elements of theatre and mock-combat as he gave and received beautifully crafted, choreographed body checks.
Problems arose when other hockey players misunderstood his on-ice antics and responded with actual physical attacks. The first such incident occurred in 1998 when Pittsburgh's Darius Kasparaitis delivered a hit that sidelined him for 18 games. Lindros tried to power through what he suspected was a rib injury but had to be taken to a nearby hospital when it was discovered he also had been impregnated with Kaspar's alien child. The alien baby was quickly removed but left permanent scarring
Lindros soon became plagued by concussions and despite returning to the Eastern Conference Finals, he suffered another after a hit by New Jersey Devils defenseman Scott Stevens. The Flyers lost the game and series and Eric lost another friend.
New York Rangers[edit | edit source]
These antics continued after Bobby Clarke relieved the officer of duty and he joined forces with a group of rangers from New York. Eric attempted to keep a low-profile, slowly building up his repertoire of body checks, dives, and fake injuries and was able to complete a full season without drawing attention or actual injury. However, his lac-lustre performance began to raise eyebrows among his fellow comrades and officers. In 2004 he sustained his eighth concussion and after receiving medical attention Eric decided to roam the land for several months with just a horse, hockey stick and make-up kit.
Toronto Maple Leafs[edit | edit source]
A businessman from Canada offered a pardon on his arrest and a bag of silver if he were to return North and show his act to people there. He had developed a small fan base and saw the offer as an opportunity to fulfill his dream of hockey-dance. By this time, however, his mounting injuries had reduced his mobility and made his dives difficult. His brain had also shifted 180 degrees within his skull as a result of multiple concussive blows. This had created problems with his speech, thumb movements, XBOX gaming, control of sphincter muscles, and general vision.
Dallas Stars and Retirement[edit | edit source]
In one final series of battle, Eric joined a small Texan gang but soon realized his style of performance was not welcome in the South. He decided to retire and with the help of friends was admitted to long-term care in the Central Houston Home for Mentally Retarded Althetic Performers (CHHFMRAP). He regularly responds to fan mail (with assistance) and acts out former ice battles with a broom, shuffling around the ward in his slippers.
Post-playing career[edit | edit source]
Before his injuries took away much of his ability to communicate his thoughts, Eric claimed one of his concussions actually killed him and he was experiencing both life and afterlife simultaneously. He stated, "I is here with all my buds. I played hookers (hockey) with Hendrix, then the pope. Next I back watching cartoons in bed. Whats up doc" He also commented on his sexual exploits with Marie Antoinette on a 'mountain of cheese' and made predictions about future space wars. Though he frequently spoke of his transcendental experiences during this period, doctors maintained that he was experiencing early forms of dementia.