Emma Bunton
Emma Bunton was born 1997. Very little is known about the woman who would eventually become Baby Spice, some even dispute she is not even a real person this is further reinforced as some academics would dispute that she was actually born a pokemon due to her tendency to love things pink and repeat her name whenever unnecessary.
It was once claimed that she was purposely conceived to enslave the human race as there were know other fads around at this time as Boyzone had just died in there attempted humanitarian mission to the nuclear disastor area of Birmingham, Russia. Emma Bunton would soon join the Spice Girls as part of her evil plan to destroy mankind.
Well, not many people know the real reason for the invention of the widescreen tv, but we have our theories..
Personal life[edit | edit source]
During 2004 Bunton met and married former Bros band member, and German Kindergarten Teacher Luke Goss. The relationship was doomed to failure as it was revealed on the honeymoon that Luke liked Coco-pops, a foodstuff that reminded Bunton of former Spice Girl Mel Chisholm. This enraged Bunton and she then attempted to drown Goss in the swimming pool of the Butlin's they were staying in. It took three red coats and Birmingham funnyman Bob Carolgees to restrain Bunton before she kidnapped Spit the Dog.
She was charged with attempted boy-bandicide and charged to 40 hours celebrity service, most of which was served cleaning Dale Winton and Scott Mills' love nest.
In 2005, and stll intoxicated from the smell of fake tan from Winton and Mills' nest, Bunton admitted herself into the Priory. She spent six months there, spending most of the time formulating plans to reclaim world power without the other 4 spice girls. Upon leaving the Priory Bunton put her plans into progress by standing in the Brighton and Hove Mayoral Election. She came third. Absorbed with remorse at her failure and a growing Amy Winehouse addiction, she sought the help of So Solid Crew, who sent her to the 'So Solid Self Help Retreat' which was run by Oxide and Neutrino. They helped to gain a Geography A-Level and win the Staines Inter-school 400m.
Despite working on a new album she also works as a proof-reader for 'What's on TV' and 'Lonely Planet' Tourist Guides.
She spends her spare time, according to her agent and partner, Canadian gymnast Kyle Shewfelt, completing crosswords and teaching children how to MC.
The Future[edit | edit source]
Bunton still maintains her plans for World domination, however her plans have been put on hold until after the release of her next solo album, which hold the working title "I hate that gobby Scouse one". The album is expect to be release in 2012 to coincide with her entry in the 400m at the London Olympics. So far, confirmed duets on the album include Cliff Richard, Damon Albarn and ex-husband Luke Goss. She is married to Sonny J.
Independent Music[edit | edit source]
It is known that Miss Bunton cannot create anything of her own. She just spends her days making horrific covers of legendary songs, such as "What I Am" by Edie Brickell & the New Bohemians. She ruins the songs by trying to enforce her "Look-at-me-I'm-so-pretty-and-cute-and-bubbly-yet-not-really-because-I'm-an-ugly-ass-brit-but-I'm-also-very-indie-because-you-have-never-heard-of-these-songs-until-I-ruined-them!" image. Still using the "What I Am" example, take a look at the two music videos:
Notice the downslide in quality. It goes from "I don't care how I look" to "I'm an attention whore that wants to make you want to sleep with me". One can agree that Emma Bunton should just begin to create her own music, so that true works of art are left as they are. If not, god knows what else she might make a cover to; Purple Haze?
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