Dale Winton

Dale Winton.

“Favourite biscuit? Shortbread, darling.”

~ Dale Winton on Biscuits.

“Judith Chalmers? That's him.”

~ A man.

Dale Winton (born Winton Dale due to a typographical error; 22 May 1955) is a British television personality best known for hosting game shows and other worthwhile things. In 2009 on a reality show, Winton gave Les Dennis Swine Flu.

He is also notable for co-founding the Society of People with Amusing Skin Issues (SPASI), along with Michael Jackson and Marilyn Manson. He is what is commonly known as an Oranoman - a man who is orange in colour.

Early life

Dale Winton (That puff off tv) was born into a life of poverty and misfortune in the workhouse in London. Orphaned almost from his first breath by his mother’s death in childbirth and his father’s unexplained absence, (he was Father Christmas), Winton was meagerly provided for and spent the first nine years of his life in the 'care' of a woman named Pauline Fowler. Along with other juvenile offenders and Jade Goody, Winton was brought up with little food and few comforts.

Around the time of the Winton's ninth birthday, Jeremy Beadle removed Winton from Fowler's care put him to work picking bottles of tanning lotion at the main branch-workhouse. Winton, who worked with very little food, remained in the workhouse for six months, until the desperately hungry boys decided to draw lots; the loser had to ask for another portion of gruel. The task fell to Winton, who at the next meal tremblingly came forward, bowl in hand, and made his famous request: "Ooh, sir, I want some more!"

The board of well-fed gentlemen who administered the workhouse, while eating a meal fit for a king, were outraged by Winton's 'ingratitude'. Wanting to be rid of this troublemaker, they offered five British pounds to any person wishing to take on the boy as an apprentice. Mr Kipling gave him his big break, making the first prototype of almond slices. His reward: to host Mr Kipling FM, which was blasted out to all factory workers while making bramley apple pies.

Superstardom - and fake tan

Winton was discovered to present primetime (well, teatime) gameshow, Supermarket Sweepers. He was doing his weekly shopping at Safeway when an irate group of jaundiced people took offence to his colour and locked him in the supermarket on the last day of trading for the company. Head office forgot about this shop because they hated it. All the other supermarkets were converted to Morrisons, whilst this one became "Dale's Sales" (once he'd escaped by picking the lock with his teeth), and the rest is history.

An alternative theory states that Dale came up with the idea for Supermarket Sweep whilst running around a supermarke loading as many bananas, cucumbers, courgettes and carrots into his trolley as he could.

The premise of Supermarket Sweepers is that Winton challenges supermarket cleaners from all over the country to clean his shop in the quickest time possible. They don't win anything: this is a cruel tactic so Dale's Sales doesn't get shut-down by trading standards for breaching standards of cleanliness. There is a prize for the cleaner with the best broom, however: They must smear Winton in Dolmio until he is as orange as David Dickinson. A fan of the "occasional" enema, Winton demands his skin to be dyed in tribute to "enema products" (shit), but also to outdo his old rival, Dickinson. Both prominent supermarket bosses, Winton does not like to speak about the ongoing feud with 'Dickinson's Drive-By', as not being the brightest button in the box, Winton believes Dicko could bump him off if he mentions the dispute.

More recently, Dale's CV has fallen through the floor, and he has been reduced to presenting the now infamous 'Hole In The Wall', one of Japan's greatest imports. Dale, however, was not presenting this show just for the money. He had secretly replaced the pool of water behind the contestants with his favourite orange substance, Sunny D. This was Dale's revitalisation of an old plan from many years before to defeat his old foe, the Almighty Orange, David Dickinson. Dale aimed to assemble a mighty army, on par with The Imperial Army of Julian Clary, by pushing a variety of contestants into the Sunny D by slamming a great polystyrene wall into them. This was a win-win situation for Dale; An entertaining show, and a chance to hit back at Dick after the 'Dickinson's Drive-By' situation. However, all was not well, as Dale's Sunny D army was quickly involved in a law suit, in which it was accused of shooting Barbara Windsor after she told them to "Get out of her pub." The court case is ongoing, though Dale denies all charges.

Trivia

• Dale is a compulsive cocaine abuser, regularly purchasing high grade, bolivian marching powder from long time drug dealer and friend, Ronnie Corbett.
• Dale's favourite passtimes include bumming and shitting.
• Dale has been romatically linked with Radio 1 DJ Scott Mills with whom he shares a love nest with in Luton
• Dale and Scott's love nest was cleaned by Emma Bunton when serving her celebrity service for Attempted Boy-bandicide
• Also an unknown fact about Dale Winton is that he invented the steak and kidney pie and also jointly invented the dance craze 'The Twist' with Chubby Checker.
• In 2010 Dale joint WWE and won the world title. He has been hailed as "the greatest champion since Ric Flair", who left the WWE along with Hulk Hogan just before Dale won the title.