EA Return Policy
Thank you for your purchase from Electronic Arts. We highly value you and your purchase as a loyal EA customer. Your kind donation to EA through your purchase of our product makes you a member of the EA family, team, militia, cult, brigade, power group; whatever you want to call it. In any case, we at Electronic Arts are proud to have you and your attention under our wing, and are grateful that you’ve put your trust in EA for your entertainment needs. Really. We mean it. It is our belief that your contribution to Electronic Arts is a contribution to society and the well being of the ENTIRE WORLD. This is a fact that we take pride in and believe you should as well. Why is this introduction so long? Well, its to hopefully cover our asses for when we tell you that EA’s return policy is that there are no returns. Fuck you.
“I Have the Receipt”[edit | edit source]
Yeah, and I have a family to feed. What is your point?
The Facts About Receipts[edit | edit source]
- The average receipt is responsible for about 83% of all waste produced in the average American transaction
- Electronic Arts values receipts and other proofs of purchase on the same level as toilet paper and uses them as such in their facilities. Many EA employees suffer from bleeding of the anus as a result of this practice
- Receipts are burned in specific locations to imprint letters and numerals on them. If this was done to humans, it would be considered a human rights violations in many countries
- I once killed a bird by choking it with a particularly large receipt
“The Product is Not What I Expected”[edit | edit source]
If this is your reason for wanting your money back then you must be the most dense motherfucker in history. Did you know that if you look on the back of the box of any EA licensed product, that it gives you information about and even screenshots from the product in question? Really, it’s true! Maybe next time you are about to purchase one of our games, here are some solutions — in order — that you can try to ensure that you are making an intentional purchase:
- Grasp the box of the EA product in your hand.
- Hold your hand with the EA product in its grasp in front of your face.
- Rotate your wrist approximately 180º. You should now see information about the game on the box.
- Read the back of the box and determine if you are interested in purchasing the game. If you are illiterate, call an associate and have they read it aloud to you.
Alternatively, you can simply purchase the EA product without giving it a second thought, which may actually be the preferred method because our studies show that people are less likely to purchase the product if they know what they're getting into. This is also a more efficient method for if you’re illiterate.
“The Product is Not Working Properly”[edit | edit source]
This is normal. As a result of our effective business practices, many EA products leave the catacombs of our facilities in an unfinished or otherwise malformed state. Issues in EA products after this point are either patched out in later updates, placed behind paywalls in future DLC expansions to the game, or are an intentional design choice.
If you still feel that your EA product is operating in a way which does not seem intentional, then YOU get a degree in computer programming, YOU apply for and hopefully get hired by our employers (you won’t), and YOU patch it out and release it. What’s that? You can’t modify the game files because they’re protected by DRM? This is also an intentional decision, and if you can’t figure out how to circumvent it then you aren’t enough of a cheat to make it at Electronic Arts.
“The Product is Broken or Damaged”[edit | edit source]
If The Game is Physical[edit | edit source]
If your physical game disc is broken, there is a 90% chance that it is due to error on the end user’s part. (The other 10% is from pre-scratched game discs and is an intentional design choice.) We do not cover or account for your stupidity in our warranty, which — again — is that there are no returns. If you think this means that, through some backwards-ass reverse psychology, that this means you actually ARE eligible for a refund, wrong again, fucker: no refunds.
If The Game is Digital[edit | edit source]
How did you manage to break a digital game? Obviously no refund for you. Also, you’re probably mad because the help about flipping the box over earlier doesn’t quite work for you.