Dutch Bros. Coffee

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That man is outside because he didn't like coffee. Denied

Dutch Bros. Coffee is a widely known cafe chain in a part of the United States. It was founded in a little town called Grass Pass, obviously known for having more marijuana than Bill Cosby and any other country in the world. It combines the well known ability of the Dutch to have a good time and the American ability to exploit any loophole to make a lot of money.


Dutch Bros coffee before they learned the basics

Grass Pass was going through a terrible decline in weed in the year of 1992. In the 90's, marijuana was primarily used for spices in food, tea, doing the splits, singing like Michael Jackson, mistletoes, and laxatives. And this lead to the decline. The people of the town began to go utterly insane without their pot, to the point where they'd be beating up their co-workers and putting fish eggs in tapioca. No wonder why it's so lumpy...but yet we still eat it.

It needed the genius of two Dutch tourists, Jan Van Smoyke and Van Jan Hjih to understand combining soft drugs and coffee beans to come up with their brand which they called Dutch Bros. It was to be more hip than white bread Starbucks and combine the spirit and smells of Dutch coffee houses with a lot of overpriced brown liquid for the next generation who would drink thinking it was a sign of the 'new cool'. From the company's founding in 1992, it didn't take them long to open coffee shops or drive-thru brew stops in places like Methford, Crack Junction, Klammy Balls, and in New Zealand. Indeed their success there was one reason why the film Lord of the Rings was filmed there as the entire country had got as 'high as hobbits' by that time.


Yea you'd tap that shit


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Dutch Bros. Coffee.

Dutch Brothers Coffee was different than any other coffee. The beans used were said to come from Iraq, smuggled out of the country during the time of Saddam Hussein. Their pungent smell made them attractive to people in Holland where a machismo culture of drinking a lot of coffee and partaking of drugs had become part of the national culture there. Now thanks to Van Smoyke andd Hijh, the American public were the first to be given the resulting coffee with very few tests to see if it was safe to drink.

This has lead to a lot of rumors about the side effects of Dutch Brothers coffee. These are some of the most widely believed stories/rumors:-

  • 1. Writing books about wizards
  • 2. Going green at the mention of tea
  • 3. Speaking in tongues
  • 4. Pastafarianism
  • 5. Obsession with Pokemon
  • 6. Having the hots for sparkly vampires called Robert
  • 7. Nipples the size of whatever size coffee you buy
  • 8. The growth of your penis (for men)
  • 9. The growth of breasts (for men too)
  • 10.Excess body hair (for women)

How it's Made[edit]

Sumos are the reason for the bitter taste in coffee

A thick liquidy substance known as cow saliva is mixed in with the coffee beans. They put the slimy beans in a giant machine that stirs it and heats it up until it gives off a strong insect sexual aroma that is attractive to flies. The resulting residue turns a very bright orange. When the beans turn this color, a couple of fit sumo wrestlers are invited to fight inside the roasting chamber to add extra sweaty flavors. The beans are then extracted and vacuum sealed to retain the essences that make up Dutch Bros.coffee. Some think adding sumos gives the coffee this bitter taste, though occasionally a geisha girl is added to make it a three way bout. This blend has proved to be very popular in the more remote parts of the USA, a surprise as it was originally designed for the more discerning urban market.

Dutch Bros Employees[edit]

One of the first Dutch Bros workers. Actually it was a lie but it got people to visit.

For some odd reason, the people working at Dutch Bros are strangely sexy. It's rare to find anyone unattractive working there. Rumor has it that if you apply for the job, you also have to send in a modeling video (by that they mean porn). And you wonder why they allow high schoolers to work there...

Dutch Bros Employees are usually very kind, unless you tell them that you do not like coffee. Non-coffee drinking customers from the 90's have reported getting beat with a broomstick at 3 AM by a Dutch Bros employee they saw earlier that day.

Flavors of Coffee and other Things[edit]

Dutch Bros famous breakfast cookie

Dutch Bros used to have a classic coffee: "Milky Way." Unfortunately, the bastards who made Milky Way bars got angry at the copyright of the candy's name, although Dutch Bros was doing them a huge favor. So they had to change it to "Milky Gay." Some other flavors include "Coo Coo for Caffeine" "Irish Beer" and the 6 shot classic: "Heart-Attack! Call 911!" They also make special drinks out of Red Bull and molasses, Chai Teas, and kids "Not so good" hot chocolate. You don't have to get what's on the menu, though. Some Employees claim that rarely customers come just to order "Whip sticks," or squirts of whipped cream on top of a straw. Although I don't see the point in that. Why not just buy a smoothie and request whipped cream on the straw? Weirdos.

They don't serve much food, but they do have Muffin tops and various pastries made out of expired cookie dough and asparagus.

Overseas Expansion[edit]

Dutch Bros have expressed an interest to expand out of their home American market to other countries. Certainly the mixing of drugs and coffee may help in countries like Afghanistan or Colombia where they have plenty of the former to get rid of. Other parts of the world may not be so welcoming.

See Also[edit]