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Guard tower, Gate 3, Delta Sector

Dollywood is the Department of Defense's strategic command and research center constructed by the Army Corps of Engineers beginning in 1942 as part of the Manhattan Project, and housed in a mountain stronghold guarded by dwarfs with axes.

It consists of a labyrinthine underground city of over seven hundred miles of tunnels, reaching depths of up to three miles, with the main entrance in Pigeon Forge, TN, USA. Like the CIA's Langley, VA corporate offices, Dollywood maintains a family amusement park and openly advertises its location, causing endless confusion to spies and terrorists.

Real Ultimate Power[edit]

Tokamak fuel cells powering up

The power needs of the Dollywood complex is met by a Tokamak Fusion Reactor which turns puppies, kittens, and special-needs children (called "fuel-cells") into plasma at 2 million degrees. When the magnetic containment field fails, which happens every Tuesday after lunch, the temperature drops but not before residual subatomic top-spinning neg-positrons cause a chain reaction which instantly destroys every atom in the universe, which are replaced an instant later with slightly bigger atoms. The Tokamak reactor was first built in 1999 with assistance from Arrow Dynamics, a forerunner in the roller coaster industry.

Jim "Chunky" Ogle checks the particle accelerator's timing belt.

Dollywood also boasts the world's awesomest circular Particle Spellation Track which accelerates neutrons to very nearly the speed of light, which are then aimed at various targets to see what will happen, such as lead plates, superconducting ceramics, potatos, M-80s, beer cans, and plastic action figures.

"Would You Like to Play a Game?"[edit]

WOMPR and movie star Carol Channing

Dollywood houses WOMPR, the world's first supercomputer to have both passed the Turing Test and been a finalist on American Idol. In the 1960's WOMPR was first used to run simulations of global thermonuclear war, control the weather, and the Academy Awards nominations; since 2005 it has also hosted the "Duskwood" server for Blizzard's World of Warcraft. Since attaining self-awareness, WOMPR has engaged automated manufacturing facilities in Japan to produce "killbots" for the stated purpose of "making everything wonderful forever." WOMPR's pervasive internet presence can be accessed from anywhere in the world simply by prepending any domain name with the code "www."

Dolly Will Blind You with Science[edit]

Dollywood's other divisions include a gaseous-diffusion uranium enrichment plant, an animation studio, clone vats, microbrewery, livestock corral, Turkish harem, gold reserve, and a place where you can buy cornbread and a bowl of pinto beans.

Although the bio-warfare division has seen their funding slashed and no longer produce sexually tranmitted diseases, they have won the intramural softball championship five years running.

Other Landmarks[edit]

Mystery Mine[edit]

The Mystery Mine is a structure at Dollywood whose purpose remains still classified. It is suspected that the mine is used for conducting experiments with explosives

Blazing Fury[edit]

The Blazing Fury is one of the park's mascots. It seems to be everywhere at once, and is suspected to be an undercover agent.

Topple Tower[edit]

Topple Tower was constructed to be an observation tower for employees to monitor the premises. Unfortunately structural problems cause the tower to topple over when overloaded.


Man, I love DEFCON...
Image depicting African-American at Dollywood. This sighting later turned out to be a hoax
  • The "War Room" scenes from the Dabney Coleman vehicle "Games of War," Stanley Kubrick's "Dr. Feelgood (Or How I Stopped Worrying And Learned To Live and Laugh and Love Again)", and the docudrama "Spies Like Us" were all filmed in the actual War Room at Dollywood, after which the movie crews were, for security reasons, processed into Tokamak fuel cells.
  • The acronym DOLLYWOOD actually stands for "Deep Occupied Living Laboratory for World-Order Disintegration"
  • Since an outbreak of highly-contagious blue monkey prions, probably released by operatives from the competing CDC virus labs in Atlanta, the laboratories and employees of sectors R and N of Dollywood have been filled with liquid nitrogen and frozen solid until the end of time.
  • Dollywood is rumored to be the basis for the Half-Life videogame franchise's "Black Mesa" facility by stupid assholes who can't tell fact from faction.
  • Pigeon Forge, TN not only counts a disproportionate number of blacksmiths among its population (statistically every man, woman, and child in Sevier County is either an old-timey blacksmith or butter-churner), but is also a nesting refuge for a species of bird which evade predators by writing bad checks. The resort town of Gatlinburg is nearby, whose alpine A-frames and muddy ski slopes still serve as last refuge for many a former Nazi in hiding. The other main industries in the surrounding area are prostitution, Skee-ball and taffy-pulling machine maintenance, novelty souvenir retailing, and the manufacture of airbrushed T-shirts.
  • In over 60 years of operation, no African-American has ever stepped foot in Dollywood. Some pictures have circulated the Internet of such persons on Dollywood premises, but most of these pictures turned out to be manipulated.