Deutsche Post
“We work hard here. We don't have to but we do. After all, work will make you free!”
“Where the flicken is my mail?”
Deutsche Post AG, operating under the trade name Deutsche Post DHL, is the German Postal Service. Formally State owned; it is now in the hands of Postman Ichmagkatzenhuffen (abbreviated.)
The Deutsche Post and subsidiaries deliver over 1.9 kazillion letters, parcels, packages, schnitzel-pizzas, bombs, secret messages, umlauts, hidden agendas, ze German-Way-Of-Life, huffable kittens and refugees a minute.
Delivering to over one million countries (though primarily Germandia) and 10 planets in three galaxies. Recently, the Deutsche Post have bought the parcel service from the Zerg Overmind Postal Service, making them number 1 in the known universe. Telepathy is also being looked into as a way for better employee compliance satisfaction, though they do not take orders from customers yet, as they have no idea what they actually want.
History[edit | edit source]
Like microwaves, Q-tips, and the toilette-plunger; postal services started with the Persian Empire when Cyrus the Great orderes chinese food as he did not want to walk all that way.
The roots of Deutsche Post start with the invention of post in 1490. A German fellow realised post was stolen soon after departure, so had the idea that couriers carry more armour than mail to defend themselves against other couriers. However, this idea was terrible for efficiency, so was soon dropped.
It didn't really start up again until the 19th Century under Bismarck, when he provided the couriers with horses to outrun other couriers. This allowed to carry much more mail than armour, thus improving efficiency greatly. The railway was also invented first and foremost for this reason, though not by Germans.
The horn as a symbol of the post grew out of the need to call for help when a postal employee became fed up with his job and decided to hack his colleagues to bits.
In 1924 it became an official over-bureaucratic entity under the name Deutsche Reichspost, a name which is still fondly used to this day in some circles.
The scope of the company quickly grew in size over the next 20 years to encompass all of Europe all the way to Moscow as well as northern Africa. However, following various disagreements with the Allied nations, it shrank back to just Germany. It was recently revealed that the cause of this was the Allied forces enforcing anti-trust laws to favour competition.
It was finally privatized as a dare by Postman Ichmagkatzenhuffen when he told his Boss the post could not deliver the deeds of the company via overnight delivery. Herr Ichmagkatzenhuffen has been acting CEO ever since.
Since then Deutsche Post has been expanding its operations globally through the shrewd combination of infantry (Wehrmacht), tanks (Panzer) and air force (Luftwaffe.)
In order to keep a money-losing venture afloat, Ichmagkatzenhuffen bought Drug Handlers & Logistics (DHL) from Dicker Hans Löffel in a strategic bid for world domination.
For reasons unknown, the United States postal service does not deliver to the White House in Washington, DPWN does. The Royal Family of Britain does not receive mail via Royal Mail, but through DPWN. Speculation abounds, but the truth lies somewhere in the graves of JFK, Lady Di and the cancellation of the "Howdy-Doody Show."
Mergers and other unilateral World Wars[edit | edit source]
Famous Deutsche Post employees[edit | edit source]
- Dicker Hans Löffel
- Adolf Hitler
- Cookie Monster
- David Hasselhoff
- The sovereign nation of Austria
- The Beatles
Testimonials[edit | edit source]
“In Faschistendeutschland ze Mäil delivers YOU!!”
“I mean really... "German Post World Net" just says it all. I thought they were over that.”
“VERFLIXT UND ZUGENÄHT! WO IST MEIN SCHEISS PACKET DU IM SITZEN DUSCHENDER POSTBOHTE IM PUMPERNICKEL!! ICH WARTE SCHON ZWEI JAHRE UND HABE ES NOCH NICHT MAL BESTELLT ODER MIR ZUSCHICKENLASSEN MIT BOCKWURST UND POMMES!!! JETZT RUTSCHT MIR DIE HOSE RUNTER UND ICH HABE KEINE TRÄGER, GÜRTEL ODER LEDERHOSEN!! ICH VERTRAGE ES NICHT MEHR DU AUFSTÄNDIGER BÜRGER MIT KÄSE!!! ICH MÖCHTE ETWAS ZENF MIT MEINEM ASCHENBECHER UND NÄCHSTES MAL GEFÄLLIGST NICHT SO VERDAMMT SCHARF...”
“And you though American Postal workers can go nuts...”