Coons
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Coons are a legendary and often misunderstood race. The Brothers Quimm, when coming up with their first fairy tales, wanted something to inspire fear among children, so that they could sell the idea to parents. Therefore, they came up with coons. Much like the 'boogeyman' or 'the monster under the bed'; coons became part of several bedtime stories to make children scared of doing things against their parents wishes.
The Ultimate Question[edit | edit source]
Do coons exist? This is the latest topic of study among top scientific bodies, including that of Mythbusters. It has been said that Mythbusters proved the old myth that coons exist on their television program - however as this is a very abstract method of information it is yet to be seen whether this can be viable proof - for the Mythbusters team did, allegedly, produce a real live coon on the show.
The word coon is not actually a racial slogan which many are led to believe. it is actually the phrase which describes the Scottish tea and crumpet makers which supply any gentleman who needs a quick boost.
What do Coons 'look like'?[edit | edit source]
This question is of course, entirely subjective. Those who claim to have seen coons state they are either too distressed to explain how they look, or make such unfeasible suggestions that they're dismissed almost immediately. Ironically named, Bob Coon explains that only he and he only has seen a coon, and he does not wish to discredit them by revealing their appearance. This has led to a consistent amount of hate mail and death threats sent to him by Coon Enthusiasts. There are, however, many theories among Coon Study Groups suggesting that a coon may resemble a badger, or similarly large, ferocious, and hilarious animal. This may explain the "official description" given by the National Coon Council (established to help keep coon sightings under control - people can become so distressed they may need assistance if they believe they have seen a coon.) This description is 'around 4ft tall, with a single curly hair, springing from its forehead. The typical attire of a coon is that of 1950's South-American prisons - black and white striped trousers and a similarly coloured, large top.'
Common Misconceptions[edit | edit source]
Common misconceptions of what exactly a coon is have turned up interesting results - toddlers sometimes confuse the story with that of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves - but of course coons (as far as we know) do not exist, certainly not in this period. We are therefore to believe that the dwarves were in fact dwarves, not coons. One famous confused remark was that of beloved, hilarious old woman Jodie Marsh, 94 years old, when she was leaning out of her window to hang up her laundry. According to her, a coon ran past and stole her last remaining wig - 'right off my head' was the exact phrase she used. After studying CCTV footage, however, there was no evidence to suggest that it was a coon, after the entire investigating team was mysteriously murdered when snooping around a secret coon-development lab outside of Spain, which, just like coons, does not exist.
The First Coon Sighting[edit | edit source]
According to recently discovered logs, in 1932, a news story shocked the world over. On the 23rd July at approximately 3pm, James L Bell Jr of Panama, S. Mexico was wandering the Foothills, reportedly enjoying a tasty-nice sandwich, when he reported seeing a black, 'coon-shaped' object feasting on rice, wearing oversized black and white clothing, a silver piece of jewelry glimmering in the Mexican sunlight. Up until this day his claim has been disputed by some, and believed by others, but there is no known footage or pictures of this event, only an entry in James' journal; The Memoirs of a Coon Hunter. This misleading title actually referred to a brand of toasters named Coon, and the mentally unstable Bell spent his life 'hunting' these coons. It has been said that this sighting is inkeeping with the NCC's decided Coon Description.
Coons: The Final Frontier[edit | edit source]
Since the birth of our species, man has always had one aim. One perpetual nagging in his mind, a certain aura of spiritual incompletion. It is within our blood to become as knowledgeable as we can, thus it is our ultimate destiny to know everything about every species that inhabits this planet amongst us. The year is 2007, our species-knowledge spectrum has become so vast that we now have an extended knowledge of most species within the universe, amazing, beautiful species such as; Bread, Crisp, Quim, Lamp, Duck and Jim. The next step is the famous, and much doubted 'Coon'. Soon, all will be revealed. With modern technology growing ever-smarter, quicker and able to bend the entire physics system of the world, our destiny is just a step away.