Controlled burn

“Controlled burns help the enviroment.”

~ Wikipedia on controlled burns

“Yeah right! I controlled a fire that burned down my house!”

~ An anonymous IP address on that Wikipedia page's talk

A controlled burn is a burn that is controlled. Most controlled burns burn down houses, Grues, and Wikipedia pages, although some controlled burns may extend to burn prairies and forests. Nobody cares about the effect controlled burns, although they have been meticulously and painfully proven to kill plants.

No, silly! This is not an actual controlled burn. This is a controlled burn as seen as a user of MS Paint.

Proof that controlled burns burn down plants

1. Let $x$ be the set of all live plants. $x$ is not a member of itself, since a set isn't a plant.
2. Let $y$ be the set of all dead plants. $y$ is not a member of itself, since a set isn't a plant.
3. $x\cup y$ is the set of all plants. Except Schrödinger's plant, which is neither dead nor alive. But those don't exist.
4. A fire erupted yesterday. A blade of grass is now dead. The grass is in $x\cup y$ but not $x$, so it must be in $y$, meaning it is dead.
5. Through a proof that won't fit in my margin...
6. The fire killed the grass.

How to start one

1. Make sure that you are running Windows.
2. Run the Controlled Burn Starter.
   

   Unfortunately, the software only runs on Windows. Be ready to experience this as soon as you are going to start burning.
3. Make sure you have fuel. Gas from cars works well, although grues are better.
4. Go home to get dressed.
5. Come back and light the fire.

Effects

The effects of using Grues to light controlled fires.

The effects of controlling a fire are debatable. Some say that it is good to destroy vegetation, while others think that it is harmful. The outcomes are discussed below.

• Best case: Your fire refuses to light, the grue runs away, and nothing happens.
• Worse than best case: You light the grue, it burns some vegetation, and then the grue eats you.
• Mediocre case: You light the grue, and then the grue jumps out and eats you. You're on fire.
• Better than worst case: Before you light the fire, the grue eats you.
• Worst case: While purchasing a grue, the grue eats you.

Notable controlled fires

The Crappypedia controlled fire was one of the original entries on the Fire Hall of Shame, not Fame.

• Crappypedia controlled fire, in which feces was used to light fires (above).
• US controlled fire, in which a huge fire extinguisher was used to put out a fire across the entire Great Plains.
• US 666 fire: Asphalt can burn!
  

  Imagine this on fire.

Are there controlled fires in your area?

I don't think there are any here. There may be--AAAAAAA!!! I'm burning! GET THE FIRE OUT NOW! OW! I'VE BEEN EATEN BY A GRUE!