Colony of New South Wales
| The Glorious Colony of New South Whales | |||||||||||||||||||
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| Penal Paradise of Her Majesty | |||||||||||||||||||
| 1788–1901 | |||||||||||||||||||
 Slightly Different British Flag (1876–1901)
 Coat of arms
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| Anthem | |||||||||||||||||||
| "God Save the Monarch, Unless Busy" | |||||||||||||||||||
| Government | |||||||||||||||||||
| • Type | Crown-Endorsed Chaos | ||||||||||||||||||
| Monarch (a.k.a. Royal Mascot) | |||||||||||||||||||
• 1788–1820 | George III (OG Mad Lad) | ||||||||||||||||||
• 1837–1901 | Queen Vicky the Long-Lived | ||||||||||||||||||
| Chief Babysitter (Governor) | |||||||||||||||||||
• 1788–1792 | Arthur Phillip (Camp Setup Boss) | ||||||||||||||||||
• 1899–1901 | Guy With Fancy Title #47 | ||||||||||||||||||
| Legislature | Colonial Complainers' Club | ||||||||||||||||||
| History | |||||||||||||||||||
• Established | 18 January 1788 | ||||||||||||||||||
• Tazzy Dips Out | 3 December 1825 | ||||||||||||||||||
• South Aus Gets Weird | 28 December 1836 | ||||||||||||||||||
• NZ Says “Later, Mate” | 1 July 1841 | ||||||||||||||||||
• Victoria Goes Hipster | 1 July 1851 | ||||||||||||||||||
• Queensland Croc-Jumps Out | 6 June 1859 | ||||||||||||||||||
• Northern Territory Wanders Off | 6 July 1863 | ||||||||||||||||||
• Federation of Backyard BBQ States | 1 January 1901 | ||||||||||||||||||
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| Today part of | |||||||||||||||||||
The Colony of New South Whales was an early reality show experiment by the British Empire, airing from 1788 to 1901, starring criminals, kangaroos, confused officers, and way too much sun. It began when Britain realized their jails were full, so they looked at a map and picked the furthest possible place with beaches. Boom: New South Whales was born.
At its height, the colony claimed so much land it made a Risk board look modest. It covered modern New South Wales, Victoria, Queensland, Tasmania, South Australia, Northern Territory, and even the distant island of New Zealand (briefly a satellite franchise).
History[edit | edit source]
Formation: The Convict Invasion Begins[edit | edit source]
On 18 January 1788, the First Fleet arrived at Botany Bay and realized it was, quote, "a dump." They moved up to Sydney Cove, planted a flag, and declared the land officially colonized in the name of a monarch who had never been hotter or sweatier than 60°F in his life.
By 26 January (now Australia’s unofficial BBQ & Beer Day), the Union Jack was up, convicts were crying, and tents were being pitched. Women convicts joined on 6 February, and the real party began. The official proclamation of the colony occurred on 7 February, with speeches, legal documents, and probably a lot of sunburn.
Tazzy Says "Bye"[edit | edit source]
In 1825, Van Diemen’s Land (now Tasmania) decided it had enough of mainland nonsense and declared independence with the firm belief that convicts deserved more scenic penal labor.
South Australia Forms: The Dry, Weird One[edit | edit source]
In 1836, South Australia was proclaimed as a separate colony, meant to be a utopia for free settlers. Spoiler: it filled with wine, churches, and hipsters instead.
New Zealand: "We’re Not Aussie, Bro"[edit | edit source]
In 1841, New Zealand removed itself from the colony because it was too green, too cold, and too full of hobbits. It’s now a sovereign nation of sheep and rugby.
Victoria: Coffee and Snobs[edit | edit source]
By 1851, Victoria broke away, founded Melbourne, and immediately began hosting arts festivals, drinking overpriced lattes, and pretending they were better than Sydney.
Queensland: Crocs and Sunshine[edit | edit source]
In 1859, Queensland was born after a public meeting and several dramatic sighs of "Ugh, Sydney." They got their own governor and immediately built a parliament somewhere hotter.
Northern Territory: "Whoops, We Forgot This Bit"[edit | edit source]
In 1863, someone realized there was still a massive chunk of land unclaimed and said, “Let’s just call it the Northern Territory.” Problem solved.
Demographics[edit | edit source]
By 1891:
- Pop: 1,123,954 people (not counting anyone who didn’t pay attention to the census guy).
- Male-to-female ratio: lopsided enough to guarantee drama.
- Aboriginal people: largely ignored by the census, because colonialism.
Federation: Everyone Agrees to Tolerate Each Other[edit | edit source]
In 1901, the colonies decided to merge into one big awkward family barbecue called the Commonwealth of Australia, mostly to save on postage and cricket teams. New South Whales was transformed into the modern state of New South Wales, with less flogging and more football.
Aftermath: The Australia Act 1986[edit | edit source]
The Australia Act 1986 was when Britain finally realized Australia had moved out of the basement and was paying its own bills. It ended any remaining legal authority Britain had over the states, and finally, nobody had to pretend to care what the Privy Council said anymore.