Chuck Palahniuk

“All he does is use medical crap to talk about people dying. But I did like Rant, I guess. For like a quarter of the book I was convinced the main character was a werewolf.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Chuck Palahaniauck

Chuck "I Can't Spell Or Pronounce This Damn Name" Palahniuck is the guy who wrote Fight Club before it got turned into an awesome movie with Brad Pitt and that skinny guy who's Bruce Banner now. He did some other stuff, too. Mr. Palahniuuuuuk currently resides in the U.S., on top of a big pile of money from movie deals, and occasionally vacations on a smaller pile of money made from book deals.

Life

Early Childhood

Chuckie was born on a day at somewhere, probably in America, and was presumably raised by a parent, foster parent, government institution, the streets, or any combination of these. Later on after he was raised, he attended a school, where he learned to write along with other children under the influence of a teacher, we think. This may have had an impact on him, especially when one notes that he is now a person who, to the best of our knowledge, upon occasions writes things, presumably books, maybe, to some degree, if you have an open mind about this sort of thing.

Late Childhood

Chuck Palahniuk skipped over this part of his life and saved it for later, which is why if you see him today, he looks about 13 or 14 years old. When pressed for details on how he did this, Chuck winked slyly, and pulled a quarter from behind the questioner's ear while talking about how cheap and godless life is, like thin veneer that scrapes of at the slightest fingernail touch.

Palanamanauckckckc's first full-length novel was written during this technically non-existent period, and is noted for its tendency to flicker in and out of existence, occasionally drawing the reader into the unknown world beyond our own, or ripping unimaginable horrors from the terror-filled, nightmarish worlds beyond the veil of our own, and sticking them in crowded areas.

The book itself is untitled, and is mostly plagiarized from a technical manual about oil burner maintenance. But it still shows signs of the starkly trangressional themes that characterize his later works. Consider this excerpt:

“"Should a problem with fuel intake arise from detritus entering the reservoir, remove the intake housing (fig. 32a), disconnect the main feed (fig. 32b), look around at your life, take a big, deep, lung-bursting breath, and just try not to choke on the decaying shit-stench that used to be your uselesss childhood dreams. Wipe all contacts clean and reconnect, replacing any rubber washers as necessary."”

~ The Book of the Unspeakable Name

Death

Eventually Chuck Palalalalalalla will die, when his waveforms finally collapse and he is wrenched back into existence, rather than simply skimming in and out of the time-space continuum as he is currently doing. When this happens, he will age super fast like the guy who drank from the wrong Jesus cup in Indiana Jones, and all who look upon him will know the hatred the boils in the center of his broken soul. Know it in the biblical sense, if you catch my drift.

Wot He Hath Wrote

Fight Club

This is it, maybe? I thought this book was about being crazy and porn and fighting, but whatever. This one is pretty cool anyway. But the one I remember had a part where Brad Pitt stuck his knob in some soup, and they kept that in the movie, but he did some worse stuff that they left out. And, he made soap from fatties

Not Fight Club

Uh, lets see. There's a bunch, really, but only a few really pop to mind at the moment.

• Choke- This is a movie.

• Haunted- The ending was dumb, because it wasn't a real ending, he just kind of stopped writing.

• His name!- Haha! See, because he's had to have written his name at some point, and, uh, he's an author, so, s-so the disparity between the length of those two... uh, writings is, um, the joke there. Yes. Ha-ha.

• Invisible Monsters- This chick gets her jaw blown off! So cool! I can't remember the rest.

• Guts- I read this one originally because I heard that it killed you when you read it, but then I read it and found out it's more of a 'Chuck's top 5 ways to bash the banana'. No joke! For an old guy he's got some really good techniques.

What He Should Write

• Fight Club 2. Seriously, there's so much potential.
• Zombies, maybe? Not too sure about that.
• The Bible with updated death scenes. Picture a four paragraph description of Samson getting blinded.
• From a certain perspective, he hasn't written his first book yet, seeing as how it is constantly in flux and slowly tearing the universe apart. So, he should prolly get to work on finishing/destroying/starting it.
• A book about a lion tamer who used to work as a dental assistant, and keeps cleaning then stealing teeth during autopsies using improvised dental equipment made of office supplies. Surprise ending, he's a gay and he ate a significant amount of the teeth without noticing.
• One where he puts just as much effort as he does in writing about what temperature human flesh cooks at as he does describing a really crackerjack pair of tits.

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