Christopher Wolstenholme

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“We tried to get Chris to act as Mrs. Punch, but he told us to piss off, sadly.”

~ Dominic Howard on Chris Wolstenholme


~ Chris Wolstenholme on daily procedures

“Arrrghhh!!!! My eyes!”

~ Matthew Bellamy on Chris Wolstenholme's penis

Christopher Tony Wolstenholme is a mustard whore, and was born in the late 9th century, in a peasant village in the nation of Yugoslavia. His mother was a Unicorn and his father smelled of sex and alcohol. His favourite past times include womanizing, talking to the invisible people in the sky, and playing the rusty trombone in alien space rock band Muse.

Early life[edit | edit source]

Chris started learning bass when he was still inside the womb. This was very uncomfortable for his mother and an emergency operation had to be conducted. He went to school on Jupiter, where he made friends and had insanely curly and long hair. He has a minor physical defect which allows him to produce and play orgasm-causing, phatphatphat, omg let me lick your face bass lines which are all part of his elaborate plan to become president of the US. Being a UK citizen is not an issue for him as his birth certificate simply says, "Birth place: unknown," and that's good enough for the US government.

Chris Wolstenholme has 738 children at last count, including Lady Gaga and the original Doctor.

Forming of Muse[edit | edit source]

Chris met fellow band members Matt My-bell-end-and-me and Demonic Coward in a brothel. Matt and Dom where chatting in a corner. Chris told Dom to put some pants on and a friendship was instantly formed.

Six orgies with native African men later, Matt asked Chris if he would like to make some fun together. Chris, assuming it was a metaphor, told him to "bugger off, you stupid poof." Dom explained what Matt really meant, and the next day they wrote their first song, "Small things in me".

Chris’s Sex Life[edit | edit source]

Chris gave up wearing condoms after the birth of his 100th child, when he realised they weren’t quite working for him.

He has been known to occasionally take baths and showers with band mate Dommy Dom Dom, frequently observed by his good friend Tom Kirk. He stopped doing this after the video was released on DVD, realising that he could jack off to it whenever he wanted. This proved more pleasing to Chris, because he did not have to brush the hair of a whiny Dominic afterwards.

Physical Appearance[edit | edit source]

“He chonky”

During the course of eleven years, Chris has lost some chonkiness but still remains just as cuddly. Chris sometimes grows a moustache for movember, earning the nickname of ‘Pedro Wolstenholme’ by his adoring stalkers. Around the time of the release of the band’s first and second albums, Chris had a penchant for wearing a large woollen mammal on his head, to make up for the fact that his own hair was incurably blonde. This mammal was nicknamed ‘Chris’s hair’. During extreme cases of headbanging, this mammal would often flop over Chris’s eyes, so he replaced it in time for the band’s third album. Exactly what he did with the mammal is unknown, but potential options include:

  • acid
  • acid
  • acid
  • given to a dog shelter
  • acid
  • acid

Interviews[edit | edit source]

It is widely believed that the reason Chris doesn't turn up to many interviews is because of looking after his children, but after detailed research by some drunk students from the University of the City of Delusion, It is now known that Chris doesn't turn up to interviews because of his lisp, which he finds highly embarrassing and is afraid people will mock him.

“What a lol that would be!”

~ World of Warcraft addicted Pre-teen on the prospect of hearing Chris at an interview

However it is now known that Chris can control his lisp for up to 5 seconds at a time, allowing him to communicate briefly during the unfortunate case that he has turned up to an actual interview.

Another theory is that if a single word is heard form Chris' lips, it causes every lifeform within a ten mile radius to become impregnated, this last happened sometime in the 1950's, the population still hasn't stopped growing.