Chipmonk

Chipmonk, comsuming a monk who has strayed from his monastery.

The chipmonk (necatmonachus periculum) is a carnivorous and staunchly atheistic rodent. It will eat almost any type of herbivore if available, but prefers monks to further their quest to end religion. They generally inhabit sparsely regions, but can be regularly seen attending church services to secure prey. Chipmonk size varies widely, though most range from 2-10 metres in height. Along with Chuck-Nuns, Chipmonks are the number one threat to religion today.

Although historically abundant, growing levels of atheism worldwide means that chipmonk numbers are on the decline. Religious organizations are trying to save chipmonks by sacrificing their members and converting more people to their cause.

Characteristics

Chipmonks are generally 2 to 10 metres tall, with strong arms and legs, and incisors designed to tear through monk-flesh and habits, leaving square chips, hence the name. They generally prey on solitary monks, although they sometimes attack large monasteries.

Modern

The Pope, the target of chipmonk hitmen, receiving information on their positions while in a secure basement.

Modern inventions such as guns and nut packs have been partially successful in curbing chipmonk attacks.

Although many of the ancient fortifications have been destroyed after chipmonk sieges, some still exist. The largest of them all, Vatican City, has sophisticated nut-pack launchers and walnut pope models to distract chipmonks, along with its high, chipmonk-proof walls. There is also rumoured to be a complex hydraulic system, meaning that the entire country can be moved underground in case of a chipmonk attack during a religious service.

Subspecies

Chipmonks are split into multiple subspecies, with one subspecies generally feeding on one religion or a few closely related ones.

• Abrahamic chipmonk: Feeds on monks, rabbis, and imams. Some Christian biologists say their religion is special and the Christian chipmonk is its own subspecies. Unfortuantely, they were all eaten by chipmonks before they could present their ideas.
• Buddhist chipmonk: Also known as the Himalayan chipmonk, these solitary creatures are expert mountain climbers and only eat Buddhist monks. The monks are happy to be eaten, as they believe they will be born somewhere warmer in their next life.
• Zoroastrian chipmonk: Critically endangered due to the invasive spread of the Abrahamic chipmonk in its native range.
• Graeco-Roman chipmonk: Extinct. These chipmonks were used as battle animals by Hannibal during the Punic Wars. The Romans quickly switched to Christianity and the chipmonks starved to death.

Diet

The chipmonk's preferred food is a man or woman of religion. They usually prey on monks and nuns, though they will also track down deacons, abbots, and bishops. Individuals living in the Arab world usually prefer imams, and in extreme cases will refuse to feed on anyone else. The rare Himalayan chipmonk feeds exclusively on Buddhist monks in remote monasteries.

When food is short, chipmonks will eat agnostics or even atheists. However, long-term consumption causes malnutrition and makes them susceptible to diseases.