Cenk Uygur

Cenk Uygur, affectionately known as Junk Ogre, is a retired professional football player and Wrestling Hall of Famer who currently works as a Peter-Thiel-funded anti-progressive podcaster. As a starting defensive tackle for the New York Giants from 1989-1993, Uygur was best known for racking up a near-record 600 career tackles and injuring Dan Marino. Upon retiring from football, he signed a career with Extreme Championship Wrestling as one half of the tag team The Young Turks, named after the group that carried out the Armenian Genocide as part of a feud with the tag team The Blue Armeanies. When ECW folded in 2001, he used his money to become the co-founder and co-host of a YouTube channel with the same name, originally brogressive in nature. After his original co-host left, he hired Armenian blonde Ana Kasparian so that people would stop asking him to change the show's name.

In addition to his main duties, Cenk was once convinced to run for Congress while taking steroids to recover from an injury. During a prolonged fever, he later ran for president—yes, of the whole country. Both attempts were widely laughed at. Today, Cenk uses his experience to tell the left how to win elections. He also volunteered to cut Pentagon spending for DOGE, which they laughed at for myriad reasons, chiefly that no such cuts would ever be considered.

Cenk Uygur's main job is to watch the YouTube metrics and read the polls so he can determine what his views will be that day. Obviously he doesn't do this himself, though; he delegates this to his team at The Young Turks while he competes in various eating contests around the country.

Early life

Cenk Uygur was born to a wealthy working-class family in Istanbul, Turkey in 1970. The young boy had a ravenous appetite, and soon, he had caused a famine in the whole country. In the midst of this, a homeless trans immigrant killed his parents, necessitating his relocation to live with his auntie and uncle in New Jersey.

Football career

Cenk soon acquired his trademark New Jersey accent and love of American football. As a tackle in high school, he stopped rival quarterbacks so often that he became known as "The Quarter Pounder", though some say this was because of his love of McDonald's sandwiches.

Cenk was drafted in the second round by the New York Giants, who needed a defensive tackle badly. He would go on to be one of the best linemen in Giants history, racking up 600 career tackles. But like many linemen, his career ended after a few years, and he found himself needing a new calling.

The Young Turks (tag team)

Cenk was signed to Extreme Championship Wrestling in 1996, becoming part of the tag team The Young Turks with fellow full-blooded Turk Ben Mankiewicz. The Young Turks often feuded with the Full-Blooded Italians, The Blue Armeanies, and the stable The Assorted Stereotypes, but were best known for their match with The Dudley Boyz at November to Remember. After ECW's acquisition by the WWE, Uygur and Mankiewicz were let go, but they were later recognized with a WWE Hall of Fame induction.

The Young Turks (radio program and podcast)

Uygur and Mankiewicz started the next iteration of The Young Turks as a satellite radio program in 2002, after ECW had folded. They were sued by the WWE in 2003, but since the name was technically originated by Turkish genocideers, it was ruled to be public domain.

After a year, Ben Mankiewicz went back to Warsaw, Turkey and Uygur found himself needing a new host, so he put together the reality show The Next Turk, which aired on Spike every Wednesday. After a long search for the most Armenian contestant, the winnner was Ana Kasparian.

In their early days, The Young Turks made a name for themselves by being against Bush, which no one in the mainstream media had the balls to be. They later pivoted to criticizing Obama—see previous. Today they have grown weary of being brave contrarians, and instead choose to criticize the homeless, immigrants, and trans people for breathing on the subway. This is largely believed to result from Cenk's obsession with YouTube metrics, which show that low-hanging outrage bait performs the best with the algorithm. Others believe Cenk isn't smart enough for that and is just kind of an Episode II Jar Jar Binks figure. But in reality, Cenk and Ana have been funded by Peter Thiel for years now, with the express goal of converting progressives to the far right.

Run for Congress

In 2019 Cenk attempted to get back into wrestling to recapture his glory days, simultaneously trying to fix his relationship with his estranged daughter. This resulted in an injury which he took steroids to heal from. In the delusion of excess testosterone, he attempted unsuccessfully to run for Congress, prompting stifled laughter from just about everyone. He lost and swore never to take steroids again.

Run for President

In 2024 Cenk contracted a severe case of ultra mega death COVID and, in his severe fever, actually tried to run for President. Of the United States. Like, the whole country.