CSI: Luton

CSI: Luton is the first of the popular series of detective dramas, CSI to be set in the town of Luton, England, UK indeed it is only the second series to be based outside the United States. It was originally intended that this series be based around the better known city of London however, owing to the sheer amount of serious crime that took place in the town Luton was chosen instead. The program deals in a very realistic manor with much of this criminal activity including the vandalisation of street furniture (lamp-posts, pillar-boxes, benches, etc.), playing of ball games in areas where signs command that ball games not be played, teenagers writing their names in wet concrete and perhaps most controversially of all – numerous incidents of bicycle theft by multiple men named Nathan.

Premise

It has long been accepted by people in the know that having a plot is a waste of time, if people wanted stories they would read books and as no one has read a book since 1994 there is no point in really bothering with narrative. The makers of CSI: Luton realised this and so filled the drama with stuff that people really want to watch, like sex, sex, sex, expolsions, violence and LUTON

Why Luton?

In their press release dated 05 April 2009 the makers of the program gave a number of reasons for their choosing Luton as the location for this program:

1. The historic victory of Luton Town Football Club in the Johnston’s Paint Trophy of 2009 which attracted much interest in the town from all over the world, indeed the universe.

2. The fact that Luton begins with ‘L’ as does Las Vegas, the location the first CSI.

3. The fact that Crime is illegal in Luton, this makes fertile ground for police drama.

4. Luton is famous for hats, people like hats, therefore people like CSI: Luton - simple as!

Funding

The show is funded by drug, prostitute, and human trafficking money.

Title Music

Keeping with the recurring theme of using songs by English band The Who in the opening credits, CSI: Luton will use the song 'Borris the Spider'. It is thought this may be the basis for the introduction of the new Supernintendendo, Agent Borris Wenham, who will make his first appearance in episode 10. Agent Borris is set to be the nemesis of Appelby and Philby as he is their superior and often quashes proposals made by them, such as Comical-Hat-Fridays.

Characters

Supernintendo Agent Borris Wenham

• Played by: Unknown, 2008-Present
• First Appearance: Twas The Night Before Christmas 2x14

Borris is the head, the boss, the big cheese of the Luton department of Crime Scene Investigators. He does not get on well with the people below him, who often despise him. He is referenced many times during the first two series and makes his first appearance in the series two christmas special, to liase with the team after internal affairs are brought in to investigate the death of The Grinch in custody.

Chief Detective Sir Clive Appleby

• Played by: Trevor Eve, 2007-Present
• First Appearance: AutoPilot 1x01

The Chief Detective of CSI: Luton. Sir Clive was raised by wolves on the West coast of Ireland and speaks only in Latin. He one was himself arrested for eating a gentleman suspected of deliberately ignoring a ‘Keep of the Grass’ notice.

Dr. Samuel Jenkins M.D.

• Played by: Ian Cashmere, 2007-Present
• First Appearance: AutoPilot 1x01

The teams medical doctor in charge of performing autopsies on dead bodies. Has a belief in conspiracy theories and paranormal phenomena. He loves to eat Ginsters Pasties and Pies and drinks excessivly. He has his own act at a local nightclub where he attempts to perform magic but rarley succeeds. He dropped out of school in the 10th grade and now lives in a council flat with the stuffed body of his dead mother for company.

Detective Ian Rutterford

• Played by: Neil Jackson, 2007-Present
• First Appearance: AutoPilot 1x01

A somewhat cockey detective, Ian is a fan of Countdown and sees himself as a somewhat James Bond figure often offering to undercover or spy on a suspect when the case calls for it. He is an experienced weapons handler and a skilled boxer fighting for the department in battles with their counterparts across the UK.

Detective Jayne Philby

• Played by: Someone ,2008-Present
• First Appearance: On 'Ye Bike

She is perhaps the most balanced detective on the team, she enjoys ham sandwiches and once appeared on hit television show ‘Deal or no Deal’. She has two children who are both weird and she lives in a two-up, two-down house but has filled it with furniture she has built in her spare time.

Detective Michael Richards

• Played by: Sean Gallagher, 2008-Present
• First Appearance: The Good, The Scag & The Ugly 2x04

A detective with a love for prostitutes, Michael often sneeks off to get down and dirty with someone. A man who has many affairs which have resulted in the end of his marriages, he now lives with his younger brother who runs an underwear company. On the surface Michael appears to be a hard man, sometimes coming across as head strong, in reality he has a heart of gold often protecting members of the team, risking his life jumping onto the roof of moving buses and giving people advice. He however does not like to let on that he has a sensitive side as he thinks it will destroy the relationship he has built with his collegues.

Detective Phil Mason

• Played by: Jason Flemyng, 2009-Present
• First Appearance: City Of Violent Fights 3x01

A living, breathing action man. Phil is a detective who makes his own rules and someone who does not tollerate fools/idiots. Former SAS material, he once climbed halfway up K2 before getting bored and running all the way back down again. He takes pride in his hobbies which include, surfing, wind surfing, stock car racing, rock climbing, motorbikes, skiing, paragliding, flying planes and strangly flower arranging. Often seen beating a suspect and disobeying orders Phil relies on his gut more than his head to do his police work, yet his physical abilities have made it easy for him to get out of tight situations including: jumping from a moving train ringed with a bomb, hanging on the underside of a 4x4, being dropped three stories from a building, chasing suspects across rooftops and piloting a helecopter through a hanger full of people. He favourite movie has been revealed to be "Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels".

PC Connor Ashdown

• Played by: Unknown, 2008-Present
• First Appearance: Bin There, Done That 2x11

A baby-faced PC fresh out training, Connor is a geek who loves anything Science Fiction and anything regarding nature and technology. He is quite unsure of himself, often questioning his usefulness to the team and whether or not he is doing, or has done the right thing - a matter which takes up much of the screen time. Despite being a PC he is not that much of an health freak, choosing to play computer games or chess rather than doing exercise which causes sports freak Detective Rutterford to take the mick out of him.

PC Augustine Cakesby

• Played by: Victoria Hamilton, 2009-Present
• First Appearance: 24 adDresses 3x08

An older PC who is nearing retirement, but decided to transfer to Luton for a quiter life. Instead she found it was not the urban retreat she hoped, although the many shops have allowed her to continur her main hobby, which includes collecting hats and small African children.

Lieutenant Daniel Lumpknee

• Played by: Your ugly motha, 1934-Present
• First Appearance: Men don't wear fishnets 5x00

A young eager-beaver Army Lieutenant of questionable sexuality and musical taste. Usually seen with a pair of small white earphones in his ears, and a big black penis in his mouth. Dan was raised an only child by his locksmith father, hooker mother and 2 Yorkshire Terriers, in a small 3 bedroom house in quaint suburban surroundings. At the age of 6, both of his parents were tragically killed when an unknown assailant, dressed in a bright red fleece and black track suit bottoms, pummeled them both to death, devoured their flesh, and proceeded to violate the young Daniel in every hole known to man and some not yet discovered. Dan spent the next 15 years of his life in councilling for his bed wetting. Angered by what had happened to his parents, Lt Dan swore vengence and to protect Luton from "The Big Red" as he was nicknamed.

Recurring Characters

Barry the Skip Famous for only eating the popular prawn based snack ‘Skips’ Barry is both a notorious bicycle thie'f', and manufacturer of counterfeit Sainsbury’s Nectar loyalty cards. Barry manages to outsmart the CSI on a number of occasions, notably when he flees the country disguised as a pillar box.

James the Park. A man named James who lives, as his name might suggest, in a public park. He uses pigeons as criminal foot soldiers to carry out his bidding. He is only convicted when a duck (whom he refused to feed) offers information to the police in exchange for stale bread. James’ brother once appeared in ITV’s Taggart, though James prefers not to speak of this.

Barry the lamp A criminal lamp, with many bright ideas.

John the Tree appeared in episode 7 of series one for 10 secs, John had no dialogue and was payed £500,000 for his role, as he is a tree it is unclear as yet how he will spend this money.

Episodes

Series 1 - 2007

Episode Number	Episode Title	Written By	Airdate (UK)	Short Summary	Number of Viewers
1	AutoPilot	Jerry Bruckheimer	22 June 2007	A plane lands safely at London Luton Airport, but the cabin crew are shocked to discover that there has been no pilot on board for the final 30 minutes of the flight. What happened to him? First Appearance of Chief Detective Sir Clive Appleby, Dr. Samuel Jenkins M.D and Detective Ian Rutterford	20,000 Million Viewers
2	Loot On!	Jerry Bruckheimer	29 June 2007	After loosing to Swansea, Luton Town FC fans start a riot which leads to widespread looting of butter from local supermarkets and several rapes and murders.	34 Million Viewers
3	Junction 11 On The M1	Danny Cannon	6 July 2007	A man disappears who was last seen driving towards Junction 11 on the M1. But where was he going?	8 Million Viewers
4	The Mall - Part One	Danny Cannon & Arthur Hailey	13 July 2007	A man holds up Lutons Arndale Mall in an attempt to rob the following stores: Argos, Boots, Debenhams, Tesco Metro, Wilkinsons, Marks and Spencers and Primark after Argos didn't give him a 5-year guarantee on his new plasma TV.	17.6 Million Viewers
5	The Mall - Part Two	Danny Cannon & Arthur Hailey	20 July 2007	The man is given a 5-year guarntee for his TV and they throw in a free microwave for good measure. But has he been fobbed off?	3 Million Viewer
6	Two Feet In The Grave	David Renwick	27 July 2007	Someone dies in a graveyard. But was it murder?	10 Million Viewers
7	Life's A Ditch	Arthur Hailey	3 August 2007	A body is found dead in a ditch at the side of the road. Was the person hit by a Nissan Micra? Frankly; no one cares!	3 Million Viewers
8	Angels & Semens	Jerry Bruckheimer	10 August 2007	Several bodies are found with Semen pouring from their ears and a group of primary school students have the key to unlocking the case. Did the victims really hear their killer coming?!	26 Million Viewers
9	Homecoming	John Hegley	17 August 2007	A man is gunned down in a busy Luton highstreet on his way home from work.	19 Million Viewers
10	JudgeMental	David Renwick	24 August 2007	A typical Luton high court judge goes on a killing spree within the courthouse.	28 Million Viewers
11	She Said She Was Sixteen!	Vaughan Savidge	31 August 2007	A 15 year old girl accuses an 18 year old boy for eating her out.....taking her out for a meal when she was just 15 and then taking her back to his place. But is she telling the truth?	6 Million Male Viewers
12	The Hat Factory - Part One	Jerry Bruckheimer	7 September 2007	One of Luton's old hat factories is robbed. That says it all really!	88 Million Viewers
13	The Hat Factory - Part Two	Jerry Bruckheimer	14 September 2007	Part two of the above. Ends on a shocking cliffhanger - apprently?!	16 Million Viewers

Series 2 - 2008

Episode Number	Episode Title	Written By	Airdate (UK)	Short Summary	Number of Viewers
14	On 'Ye Bike	Jerry Bruckheimer	20 June 2008	A controversial case of theft involving a bicycle divides the teams loyalties. First Appearance of Detective Jayne Philby	10 Million Viewers
15	The Man With The Golden Son	Danny Connon & Arthur Hailey	27 June 2008	The owner of a chinese takeaway is shocked to discover that both his shop and his son have been sprayed with gold paint...and his son is dead. The team then set out to track down a David Jason look-a-like who is accused of the crime.	1 Million Viewers
16	Beauty & The Deceased	David Renwick	4 July 2008	A beauty model finds her boyfriend dead in a hotel room while she is taking part in a Luton Beauty Pagent.	14 Million Viewers
17	The Good, The Scag & The Ugly	Arthur Hailey	11 July 2008	The team try to catch a drug dealer...but fail. 60 minutes of your life wasted. First Appearance of Detective Michael Richards	6 Million Viewers
18	Ten Things I Slate About You	Danny Cannon & David Renwick	18 July 2008	The team are called to one of Luton's failing comprehensives where one girl has accused another of slating her boyfriend and her family.	12 Million Viewer
19	Only Bi The Night - Part One	John Hegley	25 July 2008	A man who is bisexual is accused of raping several women in Wardown Park after they had left a Kings Of Leon concert. Guest starring The Kings Of Leon	30 Million Viewers
20	Only Bi The Night - Part Two	John Hegley	1 August 2008	Conclusion of the above. The team continue to search the park. Guest starring The Kings Of Leon	20.7 Million Viewers
21	Carnival Canibal	David Renwick	8 August 2008	The late May bank Holiday returns to Luton and some of the visitors are shocked when instead of candy floss they are given body parts.	18 Million Viewers
22	Chavtastic	Danny Cannon	15 August 2008	Luton Hoo is invaded by a group of chavs that will not leave and its up to the team to stop them from taking over the building.	2.6 Million Viewers
23	A Bridge Too Far	John Hegley	22 August 2008	Someone is caught with riding their bike on the pedestrain suspension bridge over the River Lea and is arrested.	3 Million Viewers
24	Bin There, Done That	David Renwick & Arthur Hailey	29 August 2008	A wheelie bin is nicked from a house down a street so the team try to find the culprit. First Appearance of PC Connor Ashdown	16 Million Viewers
25	East Luton Corridor - Part One	Jerry Bruckheimer	5 September 2008	A man is murdered in the East Luton Corridor while it is under development.	8 Million Viewers
26	East Luton Corridor - Part Two	Jerry Bruckheimer	12 September 2008	Another man is murdered in the East Luton corridor and so the team investigate.	8 Million Viewers
27	Twas The Night Before The Night Before Christmas (2008 Christmas Special)	Jerry Bruckheimer & David Renwick	19 December 2008	Christmas is stolen and the team pull in all the usual suspects. The Grinch dies whilst in custody causing Internal Affairs to be called in. First Appearance of Supernintendo Agent Borris Wenham	99 Million Viewers

Series 3 - 2009

Episode Number	Episode Title	Written By	Airdate (UK)	Short Summary	Number of Viewers
28	City Of Violent Fights	Jerry Bruckheimer	19 June 2009	The team go undercover to stop the illegal sale of VCR's late on friday nights, however there is more to the case than meets the eye when they get caught up in several street fights that are taking place on friday nights interupting the usual calmness of Luton at that time. First Appearance of Detective Phil Mason	10 Million Viewers
29	Sex, Lies & Chicken & Mushroom Pies	David Renwick	26 June 2009	The team go undercover yet again when they are informed that the owner of a fish and chips shop is running wife swap parties after hours. The team are not going to take this news lying down...	145 Million Viewers
30	OverChode	Danny Cannon	3 July 2009	An ICT specialist is found dead at his home and the motivation seems to be that his ex-girlfriend murdered him because he did not tell her he had a chode. The girlfriend however; maintains that she was "well over" the fact that he had a chode. But is she telling the truth?	16 Million Viewers
31	Organ Doner	Arthur Hailey	10 July 2009	The team get more than they bargained for when they are forced to track down the person responcible for killing several people and taking their organs.	3 Million Viewers
32	The Small Matter Of Murder	David Renwick	17 July 2009	A dwarf is murdered.	9 Million Viewer
33	Take A Look At The Doorman	Jerry Bruckheimer	24 July 2009	A nightclub doorman is severly beaten and his partner decapitated, could one have killed the other or is something else to blame?	13 Million Viewers
34	I Must Stress That I Do Not Have A Mistress!	John Hegley	31 July 2009	A caring and loving family man is found after the team raid a sex club. With his help the team hope to bring down another 'cathouse' yet his assistance may cost him his marriage if his wife finds out that he has a mistress. Will the man go all the way to help the team?	23 Million Viewers
35	24 adDresses	Jerry Bruckheimer	7 August 2009	The team are called to wasteland where a naked woman is found. Inside her coat pocket the team find a list with twenty-four names and addresses on. With no clues and no leads can the team address the issue at hand and work out how the woman died? First Appearance of PC Augustine Cakesby	6 Million Viewers
36	Natural Porn Killers	Danny Cannon	14 August 2009	In order to finance their final year at The University of Bedfordshire - Luton Campus, a group of students agree to take part in a few porn films. The problem is someone has accidentally returned them to Blockbuster instead of their copies of Borat leading to this person winding up dead. Who is murdering the students? Why are they doing it? And can they be stopped?	123 Million Viewers
37	Night At Luton Museum	John Hegley & Arthur Hailey	21 August 2009	Reports flood in that a security guard at the Luton Museum has seen figures moving in their at night. Are they the waxworks? Is the guard blind as a bat? Or are they real people robbing the place?	1 Million Viewers
38	9+5=Murder	David Renwick	28 August 2009	At a run-down Luton comprehensive the team are shocked to hear that a depressed maths teacher has gone on a killing spree after a child commented that they will never use algerbra in the future so there is no point learning it.	8 Million Viewers
39	Alice In Underwear - Part One	Danny Cannon & John Hegley	4 September 2009	The team find a young woman called Alice dead on a train that has just stopped at Leagrave Railway Station. On closer inspection they discover that she is only wearing her underwear and nothing else. Now the team must build up the breast of the case...	44 Million Viewers
40	Alice In Underwear - Part Two	Danny Cannon & John Hegley	11 September 2009	The team discover that Alice's underwear is infact a thong!!!!!! Oh yeah they also think she was murdered after she refused to hand over her clothes to an escaped female convict, but how right are they? Long story short....not very!	44 Million Viewers

Series 4 - 2010

Due to the success of the third series, a fourth has was comissioned for summer 2010, following on from the CSI: Swansea cross-over "Trilogy of Errors".

Episode Number	Episode Title	Written By	Airdate (UK)	Short Summary	Number of Viewers
42	A Happy Suicide	David Renwick	11 June 2010	Someone takes their own life...or did they? It's time for the team to investigate.	TBA
43	The Good, The Bad & The Dead	Danny Cannon & Arthur Hailey	18 June 2010	Three teenagers are last seen mucking around in an abandoned building, the next minute one ends up dead. Who killed the dead teenager, the good teenager? The bad? Or someone else?	TBA
44	Money Is The Where? (A.K.A) Communication Problems	David Renwick	25 June 2010	Some money is nicked from one of Luton's Spar shops by an oriental man who passes it onto someone else. When the team try and find out who there are communication problems dragging the episode out to 60 minutes running lengh!	TBA
45	The Man Who Liked Boys	John Hegley & Arthur Hailey	2 July 2010	A man who likes young boys must be stopped before he can get to the playground...	TBA
46	You Will Wake Up Dead!	Danny Cannon	9 July 2010	After a vicious fight in a Luton Pub one man tells the other that he should buy his gravestone as next time they meet he will end up dead. Ironically this man does end up dead, but did the other man do it? Yes he did!	TBA
47	The Man Who Could Not Die...Because He Was Already Dead!	Jerry Bruckheimer	16 July 2010	The team discover that a man in Luton is immortal and cannot die, then after some tests are run on his body it is discovered that the man cannot die because he is already dead. Yet another pointless CSI episode!	TBA
48	Dead Weight - Part One	Jerry Bruckheimer	23 July 2010	A man is found weighed down in concrete at a building site. Did he slip and fall in? Not likely.	TBA
49	Dead Weight - Part Two	Jerry Bruckheimer	30 July 2010	The team discover that there are several other bodies in the same pit that the first man was found in. Now they need to build the rest of the case up to reach a conclusion. A half decent episode!	TBA
50	A Counterfeit Countess Counts Her Cash	Danny Cannon	6 August 2010	A woman obessessed with spending money on shoes soon realises that all her money has been spent and soon she starts printing and spending her homemade bank notes, an action that causes her to really put her foot in it, as the team find out.	TBA
51	Someone Who Was Lucky	Arthur Hailey	13 August 2010	Someone survives an attack that could of killed them so the team spend the whole episode telling said person how lucky they were.	TBA
52	The Long Good-die	David Renwick	20 August 2010	A wife decides to split up with her husband who doesn't want to leave his wife but gives her a longwinded goodbye which results in the wife stabbing her husband...or so it would seem...	TBA
53	Till Death Does Us Apart - Part One	Danny Cannon & David Renwick	27 August 2010	A newly wedded couple are found dead. Guest Starring Rick Astley as lead singer of the wedding band	TBA
54	Till Death Does Us Apart - Part Two	Danny Cannon & David Renwick	27 August 2010	Conclusion to the above. Guest Stars a wedding cake	TBA
55	2010 Christmas Special: Violent Night	Carol Mendohlson & Anthoney E. Zuiker	24 December 2010	Luton is put into a state of panic as a series of violent murders are attributed to a dysfunctional group of carol singers.

Series 5 - 2011

A fifth series of the show was aired in Summer 2011.

Episode Number	Episode Title	Written By	Airdate (UK)	Short Summary	Number of Viewers
56	Murder on the First-Capital Connect	Arthur Hailey	3 June 2011	A dead body is found on a train where there are mysteriously no eyewitnesses.	TBA
57	U.G.L.Y.	Helen Raynor	10 June 2011	The team concludes that a ten year old girl was killed because she was ugly.	TBA
58	Udderly Terrified	David Renwick & John Hegley	17 June 2011	A man is trampled to death by a cow.	TBA
59	Stuck on You	Jerry Bruckheimer	24 June 2011	A mysterious series of events involving people being super-glued to their beloved pets attracts the attention of the CSIs.	TBA
60	Bad House	Danny Cannon	1 July 2011	Five people are found dead inside a house rumoured to be possessed by supernatural powers. Meanwhile, Augustine has trouble returning a faulty microwave back to Comet.	TBA
61	Sweet Mary!	Richard Curtis	8 July 2011	The team is called in when they discover a 15 year old girl is not in fact a virgin.	TBA
62	High (90 minute episode)	Anthony E. Zuiker	15 July 2011	In a special 90 minute edition, Phil, Jayne and Ian are sent undercover into a notorious drug organisation. After having their cover blown, will they all make it out alive? Final appearance of Detective Ian Rutterford	TBA
63	Goodnight, Sweet Prince	Carol Mendohlson & Anthony E. Zuiker	22 July 2011	Still mourning the loss of Ian, the team investigates the death of an actor in a travelling theatre company.	TBA
64	Luton's Burning	Arthur Hailey & Helen Raynor	29 July 2011	The team investigates a fire at a local Pakistani newsagents, however they are quickly pulled off the case after it is revealed that nobody in fact gives a damn.	TBA
65	Make a U-Turn, If Possible	David Renwick	5 August 2011	The team is called out when a car is found parked on a set of double yellow lines.	TBA
66	[Error 404]	Danny Cannon & John Hegley	12 August 2011	A man is brought in to custody after throwing his computer out the window, killing a pedestrian. But could the fault lie in the server or Internet Explorer's pitifully slow loading times?	TBA
67	@$%#~!	Arthur Hailey	19 August 2011	A man with tourettes finds himself on the wrong side of the law, much to everybody's amusement.	TBA
68	Connor	Jerry Bruckheimer	26 August 2011	When Connor is brought in on allegations of possessing child pornography, it is up to the team to find a way to clear him, but complications arise when members of the team begin to express their own doubt towards Connor's innocence.	TBA
69	Men Don't Wear Fishnets	David Renwick & Helen Raynor	2 September 2011	A transvestite is reportedly driven on a killing spree. Meanwhile, a new addition to the team brings some unwanted tension. First appearance of Lieutenant Daniel Lumpknee	TBA

DVD Release

Cover Art	Series	Episodes	Bonus Features	Release Date (UK)
Artwork TBC	The Complete Series One	AutoPilot - The Hat Facotry - Part Two	Bonus Disc: Behind the scenes documentary of filming at the hat factory, character biographies, GMTV interview, series two English trailer, series two Japanese trailer, animated short, Radio One interview with Chris Moyles and an idiots guide to Luton	22nd December 2008
Artwork TBC	The Complete Series Two	On 'Ye Bike - East Luton Corridor - Part Two & Twas The Night Before Christmas (2008 Xmas Special)	Bonus Disc: Documentary on filming the series premiere with a stolen bike, the lost episode, TV indents, Kings Of Leon on set talk, series three trailer, Delated scene of a scene, unfunny outakes, David Renwick's video diary and video of on-set pranks	21st December 2009
Artwork TBC	The Complete Series Three	City Of Viloent Fights - Alice In Underwear - Part One	Bonus Disc: An up close and personal look at Alice's underwear, behind the laughter: a in-depth look at the gritty side of the show, series four trailer and hillariously unfunny outakes	20th December 2010