Crap
“This article is crap.”
“It’s a crap!”
C.R.A.P. is an acronym for "Cleaner Restrooms for the American Public". It is a PAC with headquarters on the lower banks of the Potomac that traces its origins back to 1994, when its founder, Peter Merde, was at the NY State Fair and nearly died of disgust after having to use the restroom there. Recalled Mr. Merde during a 60 Minutes interview with Morley Safer in 1999:
"It was terrible. There were flies buzzing around and [expletive removed] SHIT spattered all over the toilet seat, boogers wiped onto the walls of the stalls and the smell ... the smell was worse than the stench in the bovine building. So I decided how horrible and humiliating it was that human beings had to relieve themselves under such deplorable conditions whenever out and about in public places and that it had to stop. I started CRAP a week later and haven't looked back."
History
Crap is a highly dangerous substance that if eaten will turn you into a pig turd. Crap is what Mo does when he talks to women. Crap comes from the meaning "Crank Dat Soulja Boy", which is Spanish for "giant piece of turd". If you're sick it will be good to eat your own crap because it helps your body gain the poop you lost. Another source of daily crap is uncyclopedia.wikia.com. The large amount of crap put onto this site by its users can help keep your crap level healthy. Spending too much time on the site leads to an overexposure of crap, however. Side effects of overexposure to crap include: drooling, over-excessive n00bishness, overuse of the words "lol", "omg", and "pwn", lack of social life, and inability to get a girlfriend. Thus, doctors recommend that only one to two hours are spent on the site each day.
Max Tucker was the head researcher of FART (Fecal Advanced Research Team) at the Upstate University Fecal Studies Laboratory in Central New York when he attended the NY State Fair and had the life-changing experience that inspired him to start CRAP. Within two short years of the experience, Max had reached out to hundreds of other University and Academia colleagues and slowly wove together the fabric of what is now the largest PAC in Washington. Their lively protests, sit-ins and marches focus on some of the most disgusting and vile public restrooms in the nation, where they often show up with barrels of disinfectant, bags of scrub-brushes, cleansing pads, sponges and other cleaning agents and stay, sometimes for days if necessary, until the facilities are flawlessly clean. They then contact the maintenance and/or janitorial personnel and provide the training and materials necessary to ensure that the facilities are maintained in that fashion.
“That’s not Peter Merde, that’s my father at the company picnic! How very embarrassing.”
Operations
CRAP receives much of its funding from concerned citizens that long for the day when walking into a public restroom doesn't require a full-body chemical protectant suit, gas mask and reserve oxygen source to be tolerable. Their first task was to characterize and classify the different levels of filth for public restrooms. The classification system is referred to as the PUKES scale (People Underestimating the Killing Effects of Stench), which seeks to prepare the unsuspecting public for the hazards of the rest rooms they are about to enter. The classifications of the PUKES scale range from 1 (minor stains and stench) to 4 (dear GOD, please KILL ME NOW). The rankings are updated every year by the CRAP management committee to ensure that they stay current. Also poop consumption can give people diseases like rapeitis, face fungus, or the dreaded Taylor disease.
Ongoing efforts
CRAP is currently putting the finishing touches on a reference web site allowing users to log on, enter the name of a particular business, and obtain its PUKES rating, scheduled to go online Spring 2009. The website is intended as a public service and not as a way of singling out poor performing businesses. However, to all those businesses and public or private facilities with no regard whatsoever for how utterly disgusting your restrooms can become – you will most certainly suffer from a poor PUKES rating. There is no reason why we, the restroom using American Public, should have to tolerate crap-streaked toilet seats and bowls, urine- and crap-smelling stalls, overflowing sinks, toilets and garbage cans, or any of the other disgusting traits of neglected public rest rooms. Either hire someone especially for the job or get your spoiled employees off their asses and have them clean the f*#king bathroom every couple of hours ... or CRAP will come calling!