Bush's National Guard service

George W. Bush as a young patriot in 1969, signing up to defend South Vietnam by joining the Texas Air National Guard.

Bush's National Guard service meant George W. Bush thought he WAS GOING TO DIE! Right here, right now – in an airplane crash at sea! Bush didn't join the Texas Air National Guard for this! Hell, Bush joined to earn a little extra money for cocaine, not to die in an airplane over Galveston Bay!

To Die for Texas

Bush freaked out, took too much cocaine, and his head exploded. He wasn't AWOL from the National Guard, as pinkos claim. It's just that his head exploded from too much fear and cocaine.

Bush was dealing with this fact in his own way, huffing a bag of blow, when some Marine Corps Captain started walking up and down the aisle screaming in his best Gunny Sergeant voice "All right men, and you too Bush, this is it! This is why you enlisted! To die for Texas! To die like a steer!"

Bush urinated in his pants and then began to sing. He led the other cowboy pilots in the Battle Hymn of the Texas Air National Guard:

Don't want to fly

Don't want to die

I've been a searcher

For a map of Texas

It's these cocaine bags

I always huff

That keep me searching

For a map of Texas

Keep me searching

For a map of Texas

I want to take more drugs

An Imminent Death-Inspired Frenzy

Stored at the National Archives, this is the writing utensil employed by Bush to write to Laura the Librarian when he thought he was going to die on a plane, out of cocaine.

Friggin’ idiot, Bush thought. All the officer had managed to do was work Bush up into more of an imminent death-inspired frenzy. Bush was crying, Bush was cussing, Bush was writing letters to that wild librarian chick back home, then Bush was ripping his seat cushions up and putting on three life vests, all of them backwards, when one of the pilots yelled, "Hey – I think I can see Texas out there!"

Bush Craps His Pants

Bush's original flight plan, presented by Budweiser.

Bush looked out his little porthole. Sure enough, there it was – a big beautiful red state in the middle of a tiny, ugly, blue planet. Texas – our savior. Now the only question was, did Bush have enough self-control to keep from crapping his pants until he was on the runway?

We Is White

A U.S. Navy convoy full of cocaine enters Galveston Bay, in case Bush's plane has to ditch in the water and his baggies don't prove water-tight

The plane kept getting lower, and Texas closer as Bush inhaled another bag of cocaine and held his breath. Soon Bush was completely over land, and close enough to the trees to tell what color birds was in them – white birds, white just like the beautiful people of Texas!

Runway Accomplished

Bush saw the runway looming – it was going to be close. Bush closed his eyes as Bush neared it, and then – nothing! Bush had made it. Suddenly Bush was landing on the runway like nothing had ever happened.

Oh shit

Bush swore he would hide from airplanes from now on.

His pants were filled with shit and he was out of cocaine but he had made it. Mission Accomplished.

"I need a drink"

A great cheer of relief went up from the passengers as the captain rolled the plane to a stop in front of a liquor store. The stewardesses rolled out the steps, and opened the door, and Bush damn near created a stampede for the door as Bush tried to get off this airborne deathtrap! And get some booze! And some more cocaine!

The Nuts to Fly

Bush undertook many flying missions while with the Guard, was arrested only once for drunk driving, but not while in a plane.

On his way out the door, a Hawaiian Airlines stewardess handed Bush (or at least tried to) a small piece of macadamia nut fudge wrapped in foil that said, "Thank you for flying Hawaiian Airlines."

A Friend of America

At least they didn’t forget proper customer service in a situation like this! God bless America, Bush thought. And Hawaii might be a foreign country full of wogs and pineapples, but it was a friend of America!