Bucharest

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“Aah, Budapest!”

~ Oscar Wilde

“Bucharest will be a small Hungarian town in the future!”

~ Marko Bela after Hungary 0-2 Romania before Euro 2004

Bucharest is the capital city of Romania. It is famous for being the only city in the world in which the pot-hole area in the roads is actually larger than the total area of all the roads and for being the city with the largest total corruption per square kilometer, measured in the amount of bribes paid to various public officials by each resident (this is purely because it is the capital of Romania, which has the highest per-capita corruption of any country). The city is divided into six 'sectors', containing a variety of districts, from the beautiful Pantelimon to the poor, crime-ridden Baneasa; the city is centered around the Prison - er, Palace - of the People and Bulevardul Unirii, the city's symbol of decades of Communist oppression, which - little-known to the inhabitants - carries on today. Tourists often spend a pleasant afternoon walking through Ferentari fending off 'starving' gypsy children who will then sell donations for more money, or spend an evening walking through Drumul Taberei or Titan, admiring the multicultural fauna of the concrete forest. UK tourists are pleasantly surprised to discover that cousins of their native troglodyte species, the Chavs, wander in small herds throughout in neighbourhoods, engaging in the traditional Chav pastimes of hollering idiotically, foraging for bikes and competing for mates by struggling to wear the heaviest fake gold jewellery in the herd.

Likely Dangers One Might Encounter

One of the most fearsome creatures that inhabit Bucharest, besides the treacherous “Money Hungry Politician” (Romanopoliticus basescus) or the “Insane Religiotard Businessman” (Gigius becalis), is the well-known, carnivorous “Dubious Cabdriver” (Romanotaxius extremus). It is known to lurk in moist and dark alleys, feeding on the unsuspecting and gullible tourist by draining all life from their wallets with their so-called “Money Sucking Glands”. The only way to avoid this creature is to stay into the light or, simply, go by foot and get some exercise, you lazy-ass. One more thing to avoid, when in the Bucharest jungle, is large booby trap like holes in the streets set by the famous headhunter and poacher Adriean Videanu and his Iron Fist of Fury.

Bucharest has a high concentration of vampires, although they are largely imports from Transylvania. Bucharest is home to the World Blood-Sucking Championships, bringing vampires from as far away as Sighisoara, Hunedoara, and Satu Mare. The rest of the year they are cared for by the city councils in their respective cities in the vampire-pounds.

A neer before seen picture of the Money Hungry Congressman’s lair. A moment of silence, please, for the two photographers that have lost their lives taking this photo.

Roving packs of the Romanian chav ("Troglodytus romaniensis", commonly known as the 'pitipoanca' or 'cocalar') can be found not far away, especially near individuals which sporadically emit highly displeasing Turkishesque bleats - the common manelist, producer of manele.

It is no coincidence that the city anagrams to 'a butcher's'.

Driving in Bucharest

Driving is legal in Bucharest, but is hazardous. Do so at your own risk. The death rate is approximately 100 in every 1000 drivers per (no year) day.