Brian Cowen
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“Fat cunt.”
“If I say I don't like Thierry Henry will they like me, even a wee bit?”
“I-I-I I calls him T-T Thick Suck, on-on-on account of his big, eh, eh, his big eh, lips ya see.”
Brian 'Biffo' 'Bubba' Cowen (surgically removed 10th January 1960) is the spasticated blubber mouth simpleton Ireland couldn't say no to. Hailing from Co. Offaly, it will be no surprise to learn he is the result of inbreeding. Mr Cowen, is better known by his nickname Biffo, which stands for “Big Ignorant Fucker from Offaly”. Before becoming the T-shock of Ireland, was a shit Minister of Finance, Bertie Ahern promoted him to the salubrious position just below him on account of his superior blow-job lips, commenting "D-D-D Dhey are suck-U-lant, t-t-t ta say d-d-d leest". Cowen famously led the country's finances into the biggest recession of it's history, it is rumoured that NAMA(National Asset Management Agency) was set up just to pay for his extensive phallic forehead correction treatments. On the evidence today, it's safe to say the treatments were as successful as his budgets.
Cowen has been compared to a 'Wibbly Wobbly Wonder', for his jelly content and dissatisfaction.
"There will be no more kiddie-fiddling in Ireland anymore, not for me and not for the Priests"
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Brian Cowen was born in Clara, County Offaly. He grew up at the home for the mentally challenged (Handy Home) in Clara. He is the son of brother and sister duo Bernard and May Cowen.
Cowen was humoured at Clara National School, where he had a tendency to eat anything he could put his deformed chubby digits on. One teacher recalled how "Brian ate all the other children's homework one morning because he didn't have his second breakfast. Needless to say any time the students didn't have their homework done, from then on 'Brian ate it Miss' would be their excuse!"
He was 12 years old when he entered Mount St Joseph College, as a boarder. He exited as a bender, a dorm-mate is misquoted as saying. Brian informed Pat Kenny off camera on 'The Late Late Show' that at secondary school he felt most uncomfortable in Religion class; "I was going through puberty and all that, you know Pat, and I used to have to tuck my willy in between my trousers' waistband on leaving the class... serious hard on for Jesus, Pat, serious! I even tried to grow a wee goatee but ended up drawing it on with a bic".
After secondary school, he attended University College Dublin where he studied coleslaw. During his college days, Cowen succumb to depression on account of his appearance. He sought counselling from the Student Union, on which Cowen had this to say: "They sorted me right out, though I still want to fuck my mother pretty bad".
Cowen is minded by Mary Molloy and they have two daughters together. The 'Molloy Molests The Mentally Maladjusted' enquiry into this seemingly criminal copulation is ongoing. The Courts are being challenged to intervene and place the children in care by the NSPCA(The National Council of Societies for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals).
In May 2007, Cowen had a gastric bypass to save his fat arse from cancer of the moobs (man boobs for those who are unfamiliar with this term) Cowen told Jason O'Toole of Hot Press that, as a student, "I would say there were a couple of occasions when marijuana was passed around – and, unlike President Clinton, I did inhale! There wasn’t a whole lot in it really but I never got over the munchies".
Rise to fame[edit | edit source]
Minister for Health & Children[edit | edit source]
"I have great sympathy with the starving children of the world. I know exactly what it's like to miss a meal. And I wouldn't wish it on anyone"
When Fianna Fáil returned to power following the 1997 general election, Cowen was appointed to the newly expanded position of Minister for Health & Children. The seat was expanded to accommodate Cowen, and further widened for current fatty Mary Harney. Cowen himself described his period there as like being in Angola because kids will do anything for a Mars bar.
Minister for Foreign Affairs[edit | edit source]
"I know how the Jews felt, I was always picked last for football and then made play in goals. If we lost, muggins here got the blame don't you know! And I'm not too fussed on cold showers either"
Where truth is funnier than fiction; in 2003 Cowen, as Minister for Foreign Affairs, was the victim of a personal attack by the leader of Norn Iron's Democratic Unionist Party, Ian Paisley, the self appointed Reverend and former outspoken critic of the Republic of Ireland and its government. In front of a crowd of party supporters and in the presence of television cameras and radio reporters, Paisley launched into a diatribe about Cowen's personal appearance before also insulting his mother. During the attack, Cowen is reported to have soiled his diaper. Paisley's comments: "Nooh, nooh, nooh, I refuse to speak in the presence of this mongoloid tellytubby, look at him. He's got the face of a thousand syphilitic penises and the body of Vanessa Felts. I can't bare to look at him any longer. Why his mother didn't suffocate him at birth is beyond me and the UDP. This is why us Protestants use contraception when we have it off with subhuman apes like his mother."
Minister for Finance[edit | edit source]
"Bertie was always giving me these impossible equations to solve, like this one: If Mary goes into a shop with €10 and buys ten buns, at €1 a bun, what is she left with? I said the answer was nothing, but he says the correct answer was 'crumbs'."
Following the departure of Charlie 'Queerie McCreepy' McCreevy in September 2004 Cowen became Minister for Finance. On 1 December 2004 Cowen announced his first budget, a budget that was generally seen as a take-away budget in which consumption of saturated fat was increased by a further 90%. Bringing the national total to morbidly obese.
Leader of Fianna Fáil and Taoiseach[edit | edit source]
- In December 2008, Cowen was ranked second last in a list of the best leaders in Europe in 2008.
- Cowen has been accused of a lack of leadership at a time of national crisis, and of seeking to rely on consensus-building instead of strong decision-making.
- On 18 January 2009 an editorial in The Sunday Times was highly critical of Cowen, calling him a "dismal failure".
- On 28 February 2009, a Millward Brown IMS poll opinion poll found that Cowen had only a 21% public satisfaction rating.
- On 3 September 2009 an Irish Times opinion poll reported that, Cowen’s satisfaction rating with the electorate dropped six points to 15 per cent, with 77 per cent of voters saying they were dissatisfied with the way he is doing his job.
- He has a serious touch of the downs.
- By November 2010 he had single-handedly prevented the all-out collapse of the economy of Ireland and minor outlying British Isles by convincing the IMF that hundreds of thousands of containers full of Irish Punt were ready to be put as collateral for rescuing not only Ireland but other countries such as Portugal, Greece, Iceland, and even the sovereign state of Dubai World Islands.
Public Image[edit | edit source]
Cowen was accused of 'conduct unbecoming' in the Dáil, over comments that he made, when at the end of a heated exchange Cowen sat down, and turned to Tánaiste Mary Coughlan and Dáil microphones then picked up the Taoiseach using the words 'Fuckers', 'You', 'Dirty', 'Little', 'Whore', 'Nothing but', 'Biffo', 'Ball Suckers', 'Now', 'Lickity Split', 'Shut Up', 'I'll Fudge Your Clit', 'Now Duck My Sick' and 'I'm the Muddafuckin T-shick'. It was later revealed that these words were in fact lyrics to his, yet unreleased, début album; 'Starkers In The Moonlight, Starkers Whenever It Feels Right'
He may have a serious touch of the downs.
In a poll just concocted for Uncyclopedia, 11 out of a possible 10 women said their ideal man would have the vocal dexterity of Bertie Ahern combined with the personal hygiene, physique and looks of Brian Cowen and the tail of a squirrel.
Charity Work[edit | edit source]
- FoF
FoF (Friends of Fritzl) is a revisionary human rights organisation founded in 2009. Their manifesto states that they seek the legal age for children to be able to leave the home to be determined by the father of the child, a complete disregard of the age of consent act on the provision that parent's know best and a revamp in household privacy laws. They also are seeking an end to planning permissions for basement conversions. Biffo is vice-president of FoF.
Private Life[edit | edit source]
Brian is an avid collector of stool samples. In his house, the Dail, he has amassed a collection 300 strong of many varieties. "I've been in contact with a slippery Bertie, a serious Bono, a creamy English Charlton and a liquid Harney (also referred to as 'A Bloody Mary'). I couldn't pick a favourite, but, I will say this; they all look, feel and smell of genuine shit" Cowan has remarked. In an interview with Metal Hammer Magazine, Cowan explained his art - "What people don't always seem to understand is the skill and timing involved. My nose is a finely evolved piece of faecal detection equipment, I can smell it breaching the butt cheeks at 2cm on a fine, calm day and at 5cm on a blustery, wet day. This benefits me greatly. The item is devalued if it touches cloth, so you have to act fast and get right in there - hands down the kakks as quickly as you can. I've had the misfortune of letting a few slip right through my fingers, and whilst that is fun, the matter is all over. You MUST carry a vessel at all times, at all times! My preferred vessel: A plastic Boyzone lunchbox, adorned with panty liners to absorb some of the less sought after discharge. Boyzone accommodates more than one shit at a time."
Filmography[edit | edit source]
- BA & Biffo D.P. M H in a Private Jet
- The Misadventures of Biffo and the Celtic Tiger, the story of a Clown and his imaginary friend.
- Where the Biffo roams, on the campaign trail 2008.
- Biffo Begins
- Biffo: The Fat Shite
- South Park (TnaG Version) 'Ireland Gets An Anal Probe' - Brian 'Biffo' Cartman and Bertie 'Stutters' Much form a government. Mr Celtic Tiger the economic poo comes to spread crisis cheer.
Discography[edit | edit source]
- Starkers In The Moonlight, Starkers Whenever It Feels Right [Released: TBA]