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A typical bag containing fresh produce

Not to get confused with fag, a bag is a device for the holding of things in, typically a bag will consist of:

Anatomy of a Bag[edit | edit source]

Handles[edit | edit source]

This part attaches to the hands of the person who wishes to transport things about. A gripping or grasping action is required; seek medical advice before attempting this for the first time.

Holdy bit[edit | edit source]

This is the part where items are placed, to be transported.

Exterior[edit | edit source]

If this part does not have a plain background with a large $ on it, return your bag. It is defective.

Bag-using Protocols[edit | edit source]

The ideal contents of a bag will be:

  1. Smaller than the bag itself.
  2. Not too sharp or pointy or cutty (to avoid damage to the bag).
  3. Made of something.

To place an item in a bag:

  1. Ensure bag is open.
  2. Ensure item is in hand.
  3. Ensure item is not already in bag.
  4. Bag.

If you are the proud owner of a bag, perhaps you would like to share your joy with other bag owners. Try your local supermarket or abattoir.

Warnings[edit | edit source]

To prevent lawsuits, use only as directed. Do not place bag over head while sleeping, driving, engaging in most social activities, or using heavy machinery. Do not pour corrosive liquids directly into bag. Keep bag away from children; do not use to transport children or pets. Avoid swatting people in the face with handbag. If bag is made of paper, keep away from fire. Avoid vomiting into bag unless it is specifically designed for that purpose. Have your bag spayed or neutered, as bags who have not been spayed or neutered will become unmanageable upon the onset of puberty(which has particularly harsh affects on young bags). Bags may cause handle hand, vomiting, anal leaking, mental breakdowns, and death.

The Paper Bag[edit | edit source]

History[edit | edit source]

The very reason for the making of the paper bag, was to place over the head of your sexual partner. The thin paper (hence the name) covering allowed just enough air inside for your partner breathe, but it was thick enough to cover his/her face so you wouldn't have to look at them during intercourse.

Its effect[edit | edit source]

At first it was a very popular tool while engaging in sexual activity, but after a while people began thinking that their partners only used it on them to cover their horrifyingly ugly face during sex. Well... that was the whole point. Sorry to say it, the paper bag failed. Men used it mostly to engage in sexual activity with ugly girls, and placing the bag over their heads. But now they just close their eyes and imagine someone else, because the paper bag made the girls feel very ashamed and embarassed. And when they felt that way, the men could not get any sex at all.

Its Use today[edit | edit source]

Now, the paper bag is only used as an item holder. It is used very rarely now, in old dollar stores and liquor shops. It is quite frankly talked about in the world, but there will be a day when people will collect these rare and somewhat cherished items. They will once again return to their former glory as the original "Paper Bag".