Azathoth

The Great Lukewarm Sea is said to have magical restorative properties, but the staff warns visitors, "not to raise up that which ye cannot put downe!" Tuesday is karaoke night.

An exclusive resort that caters to the extremely wealthy, Azathoth boasts seven tennis courts, two eighteen-hole golf courses, shooting ranges, torture and orgy pits, amniotic regeneration spas, and some of the finest international cuisine anywhere. Famous for its palpitating, womb-like atmosphere, guests are pampered and massaged by the well trained, courteous scenery while relaxing to the muted strains of idiot flautists. Highly professional and friendly counselors are always on hand to organize events, encourage infighting, and assign challenges to determine special priveliges. Every week, a guest is "voted out" of the placental epidermis and cast into the void to spend eternity in catatonic soul-consuming insanity.

Myths and Facts debunked

The Tourism Council would like to stress that Azathoth, though it does seem to be alive and possibly malignant, is not the awful all-consuming horror it's been portrayed as in the media. Hateful terms such as "Daemon Sultan," "Roiling Madness," and "Fountain of Uncleanliness," serve only to upset and sadden Azathoth, and when it gets sad, it starts cutting itself. This can be disruptive to the guests.

• Myth: Azathoth is the best center of the Universe.
  • Fact: The center of the Universe is arbitrarily chosen by hamster races every three years. Azathoth has only been the center of the universe four times. The current center of the universe is Mr. T.

• Myth: Nyarlathotep is the avatar of Azathoth.
  • Fact: Nyarlathotep is completely unaffiliated with Azathoth. He is, in fact, just some guy who started hanging around and wouldn't leave. What's he been telling you?

• Myth: Azathoth is everlasting, and came from before time began.
  • Fact: Azathoth was born William Peter Thoth Kenobi To Obi-Wan Kenobi, a goat named Fred, and a cat bagging lady named Keziah Mason. He was raised by his mortal-father Hentai Porn "Scooter" Lovecraft in a shoe box in the attic of a hoary New England manse, where he first honed his now famous palpitating and gibbering skills.

• Myth: Azathoth is tended to by blind, idiot flute players.
  • Fact: Those noises are actually coming from Azathoth's vast ever-pulsing digestive tracts. The club hires actors to portray flautists, and blinds them.

Location

Due to the intrinsically solitary nature of blind idiot chaos gods from the farthest reaches of time and space, Azathoth is located far from all major space lanes. It is, in fact, located in the farthest reaches of time and space. Only the most intelligent, sophisticated and of course rich celebrities are allowed to learn the directions to Azathoth, and so the management politely requests that all those who do not fit this category kindly avert their eyes from the following directions.

You're still looking, aren't you? Go away.

I said stop looking.

There are no actual directions on this page; even cultists of the blind idiot god aren't that stupid. However, merely by reading these accursed words you have condemned your soul to a hideous eternity of agonizing torment and emo music. Have a nice day!

Activities

There are a near-infinite amount of things to do at Azathoth. Actually infinite, if you count the Psycho-Quantam Multidimensional Happy Fun Waterslide. But let's not go into that. What we will go into is a list of slightly less impossible things you can do at Azathoth, which include but are not limited to:

• Tennis. Azathoth boasts seven of the finest tennis courts in the world, three of which have been specially adapted for beings with pseudopods or trails of ichor instead of legs and one of which is designed for giant sentient plant-beings. To this date, Azathoth has never actually had a giant sentient plant-being as a guest, but our architect insists that "one day His time will come".

• Golf. Azathoth has two golf courses. One is a relatively normal golf course - grass, green fields, hills and whatnot. The other winds in and out through slime-filled intestines, a gigantic beating heart and at least twelve different dimensions, before eventually playing out the final shot during the creation of the universe itself. Of course, the creation of the universe being a very traumatic event, no-one has ever played through this course and lived, but our architect continues to insist that "one day His time will come".

• Shooting ranges. The Azathoth shooting ranges are designed for a variety of weapons, including the elongated mammal gun, the omnipresence rifle, and the orbital flamethrower. Indeed, almost any conceivable weapon can be tested on one of our versatile firing ranges, though so far no-one has ever actually managed to hit one of the multidimensional targets. When questioned about this, our architect said in a soulless voice "One day His time will come." I'm getting a little worried about that boy.

• Torture and orgy pits. At Azathoth, we save our customer's valuable time by combining the two most commonly-used form of recreation into one. Stab as you shag! Rend as you root! Fry as you fuck! Rip off someone's head and eat their still-beating heart while engaging in semi-passionate mating with the partner of your choice! The possibilities are endless. No one has gotten bored here, but our architect insists that "one day His time will come".

• Amniotic regeneration spas. This should go without saying, but our architect insists that "one day His time will come".

• Food. The food at Azathoth is renowned across the galaxy for its combination of deliciousness and protoplasm. Lead paint, ichor, cyanide and happiness also feature heavily on our list of ingredients. Once you eat here, you'll never go anywhere else. Whether this be because the food is just so damn good or because you are a mere carbon-based life-from who was fatally poisoned by our admittedly toxic ingredients, the message still holds true. As a result no human can eat the food here, but our architect insists that "one day His time will come".