Hello. My name is Jeb Nimoy. You may know me if you have seen the Star Trek episode Balance of Terror. If you looked closely in a scene with Leanord Nimoy in it, (My more famous brother), look in the lower left corner of the screen, then lower right corner. See those insignificant lines! Those are my hairs! Yes, i've had a hard time living with my fame, what with people coming up to me on the street asking me to stop acting like a pampered fathead. But i'm not a pampered fathead, i'm a celebrity! And those who say i'm not to my face on the streets are simply whine and complain at them for a few hours and then argue until nothing makes sense anymore. Then i follow them to work in a chicken costume and yell "CALL ME A CELEBRITY!" Repeatedly. When they finally agree to, I hug them and skip off into the sunset.
But enough about me. I have escaped my fame in the dense rainforests of New York where no-one seems to recognise me, so it is the perfect place to follow my dream. The dream of becoming a humble documentary writer for the website completely driven by facts and truth: The great and Honourable UNCYCLOPEDIA! I have learnt much from your website. For example, i have learnt that Chuck Norris is quite manly, and that Harry potter was a political Transvestite. How informative! You should all give yourselves pats on the backs. So i decided to document a study i showed to my brother, requesting he make a documentary of it, but he merely slapped out of my hand and said no. And there was no begging from me. None at all. I just begged a little, maybe. Or... OK! FINE! I WROTE A FREAKING MESSAGE IN THE SKY, OK? HE STILL DIDN'T DO IT!
So instead of sharing it with the world, i will settle to sharing it with you, my pencil-necked pasty-skinned friends. My search is to discover information on something the government doesn't want you to know about! That they're are mushrooms that taste different, look different and smell different to other mushrooms! And so, let us take a dive into a study on these rare culinary delights, known as...ALBINO MUSHROOMS.
The search begins
My search to discover the mystery if the answer of the albino mushrooms begins in a small, quaint and quiet town. If it were a person, it would be softly spoken and very conservative. I believe it was called... San Francisco. I couldn't stay long, but i enjoyed my stay. Many nice young men there. They all asked me whether i fancied a "bum", which i thought was just a nice way of asking whether they could help me cross the street. But I would say "Oh no thank you, perhaps another time when i'm ninety-five! Then i would very much like what you call a 'Bum'!"
On my way to the other side of the street, and ran into the person i was looking for, colourfully referred to as: "The mad professor!" As i asked him his theory on Albino Mushrooms, he merely screamed at me for a while. Finally, he calmed down and this to say: "I do enjoy mushrooms. But albino one's? Hmm... this is something to think about... I suppose you could say that trying to find one is like finding a sober in a schoolies. Then again, perhaps it's more like cutting off another persons leg... Or burning down a house... Or reading a book on luke skywalker while skydiving...Or being tortured to death by a Printer made of candy various parts of the human body while burning in the digestive juices of Rosie O' Donnells stomach."
Such genius can clearly not be measured. While others accuse my good friend of being crazy, i beieve that he is severely autistic and cannot get his words out without them becoming a mess of hot spring bubbles bursting forth from a shampoo carton inside a nuclear bomb shelter, confusing and irritating all inside. I believe that his genius can't be measured by our primitive concept of "Numbers". And i discovered where i should look for one: In a schoolies party. Turned all i got there was a bruise and a hangover, but all in the name of Science! Science is why i enjoyed hot teenage sex, not pervertism! SCIENCE!
Yelling Science is pretty fun.. i'm going to do it more often. As i begin searching, i must find... sorry, rescue... the plane ticket to alaska from the vile US Airlines overlords! Damn the CEO Scar! You see, Alaska is white, is it not? And Albino things are black, hmm? Well, i believe they should stand out very well there! Ooh hoo ho! Let's go!
I HAVE PENCILS IN MY PANTS!!!...
Is a completely redundant title for the is section. As you can not see unless you have the powers of intervision that allows you to see into the past of Greasy Uncyc users, then i'm pretty sure you can't see what i'm doing. So i'll tell you! I got off the plane in the airport and began merging with a fly for reasons unknown, and I became a hideous, horrific unspeakable terror that feasted on human spleens. You know, because the makes perfect sense and all.
It appears that Alaska is not what it appears to be, which is Alaska. Instead, it appears to be some odd, weird place where blocks float in the air, and people hit them with their heads. Instead of getting Brain Hemorrhages, they appear to get money, or red and white mushrooms. Interesting developments abound!
...OR DO THEY?
Well, as it turns out, they do. Perhaps this mental retardation preventing mushroom is the key to my search for the key to unlock the door that prevents me discovering what the mystery of my search is, or is just an unruly pheonix made of peanut butter? The answer is yes.
And so, My search draws to an end
As it turns out, Albino Mushrooms are nowhere, and I just wasted a lot of time and money writing this article. But at least it was my rich brother's money, right? He certainly has teams of expensive lawyers!
Please kill me.