Adjustable gastric band
“Bulimia is like a diet, but free!”
An adjustable gastric band, commonly referred to as a lap band, is an inflatable silicone device that fat people use to lose weight, instead of actually taking the time to exercise or talk to Jenny Craig. The surgery itself is about 20,000 USD, but after the adjustable gastric band slips off several times, the surgery will double or triple the original cost. The adjustable gastric band is not recommended for anyone afflicted with mental maladies, as they will forget they had this surgery, and possibly put on more weight after they are deemed healthy enough to have the band removed.
History[edit | edit source]
The gastric band was invented by Dr. Dag Hallberg after he was forced to find different means of income when he spent all his money on stocks for the IKEA corporation. In early 1985, Dr. Hallberg applied the Swedish Adjustable Gastric Band for a patent within Scandinavian countries. Dr. Hallberg conceived the idea after seeing an episode of Oprah aired on Swedish television. He claims that he is not exploiting anyone, but the "advertisements" are specifically manufactured to make fat people feel fatter than they really are, and pay for the surgery due to their cumpolsurary first level thought process.
Meanwhile, Dr. Frankenstein's Hallberg's assistant, Dr. Peter Forsell, attempted to steal the weight loss contraption with his team of surgeons in Switzerland, Italy and Germany. Dr. Forsell gained complete ownership of the patent, which was actually his from the start (but don't tell anyone), after he secretly paid the government to switch the name on the patenting documents in 1992, or so the story goes. Then, he presented the mechanism to the Swedish company ATOS medical, which bought the band for lots of "Kroner," which is known in America as made up money, because, well, Americans have never been very bright, now have they?
The procedure and possible complications[edit | edit source]
The doctor begins the procedure by applying "general anesthesia" to the patient. What happens next is unimportant, as the patient will be unconscious, and will probably not feel a thing, but I'll tell you anyway. The doctor then infiltrates the abdominal cavity using a hole puncher to create a passage through which multiple cameras, needles, and other medical flotsam and jetsam can be fitted through. A small band is placed around the stomach which connects to a small box inserted into the abdominal cavity. The box can be filled using a "percutaneous" needle, which is filled with physiologic serum and other various medical hodge-podge. The surgery usually takes about one hour, so be prepared to hire a demon, uhhhh... I mean a lawyer to sue your lazy doctor who was thinking about what he was going to have for dinner.
Regurgitation is a very common complication. In fact, if you wanted to be bulimic, you could've just closed the restroom door... no one would have ever know. Other side affects include:
- Painful ulcerations
- Painful slippage
- Painful stomach inflammation
- And band erosion- which is also painful
Do you need the gastric band?[edit | edit source]
If any of these apply to you, then you probably need the gastric band, but then again, I'm not a doctor.