Adam Jones (musician)

Adam Jones pictured in one of the brighter rooms of his Transylvanian Castle.

Adam Thomas Jones (born January 15, 1965 in Transylvania, Romania) is an electric sitar player for the Progressive Christian Rap band, Tool. He is known for being a shy fucking emo, and mastermind behind Tool's trippy music video's, which feature characters made out of Play-Doh, and disturbing settings (a prison, a house and a kindergarten classroom). He's also listed as -3rd greatest guitarist of all time by the Rolling Stone magazine.

Background

Early years

He was born and raised in Transylvania by his parents, Dracula and Kate Beckinsale. His brain was fused with a snowball and a dead cat at birth, which is the main reason why he is scared of fire. During school, he was known as the quiet kid and was not seen playing the violin, tap dancing, doing gymnastics and aerobics, "stretching" in the toilets and playing acoustic (a cow stick) bass for his school's orchestra (which was basically one guy... yep... Adam Jones). But he was seen eating raw parsnips in the bike shed with his friendly chum, the spaghetti monster. He then moved away from Transylvania to Coychurch, South Wales. Here he became an unwanted guy with bade spelin. During the early years he had several gay relationships with his "friend" Gethyn. He is obsessed with wrestling and talks about it all the time, even while he sleeps (he sleep talks, walks and occasionally wets himself). He loves wrestling so much because he loves to see greased up men fighting on the floor. He had a sister and a dog but it's hard to tell which one is which. Anyway they were both fused together in 1997 by a Dr. Smith and resulted in a form of sister/dog hybrid. He then ate this sister/dog hybrid for dinner in his stately Transylvanian castle. Jones and his family usually get together on Halloween, drink blood, eat, watch wrestling, go on the Xbox 360 and fart relentlessly, killing the nosey neighbour's dog. They usually sing the well-known song (based on a true story) that goes:

“ Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...in which a load of vampires drained his fluids. ”

Early adulthood

Adam Jones was seen behind the scenes of Jurassic Park, applying make up for Jeff Goldblum, and the T-Rex. He also designed the dinosaurs for the movie; Steven Spielberg promised him a role on ET, but that role was given to Drew Barrymore. Unfourtunately for Adam Jones he was lied to again by Drew Barrymore. She promised to give him a role on Charlie's Angels, but the producers gave the part to Canadian "funny" man: Tom Green. Poor Adam.

Adam did get his revenge on Drew Barrymore and Steven Spielberg, by sucking their blood, and feeding their bloodless carcasses to Zombie Jesus who reluctantly turned Adam down. This further angered Adam, so he attempted to suck Zombie Jesus' blood, but unfortunately for Adam, Zombie Jesus' body was just like Drew Barrymore's and Steven Spielberg's carcasses... bloodless. Poor Adam. Oh, and he learnt to fly at the age of 8. Poor Adam.

Tool

Tool during its happier times. Adam is shown on the left trying to light a barbecue. Unfortunately for him he's afraid of fire. Poor Adam.

Adam finally got a chance to show off his electric sheep playing skills He played an electric sheep for his previous band, The Electric Sheep). The story goes that he created the band, but that is not the case. He paid drummer Danny Carey (Neil Peart and God's lovechild) to create the band. The band then became known as 'The Electric Ewes'.

Lead singer Maynard James Keenan felt that the band was going nowhere with Adam playing the electric sheep, so Adam swapped his sheep for an acoustic jackhammer with electric pickups. Maynard liked the loud and gritty sound of the jackhammer, and bought an electric drill for bassist Paul "Chainmail" D'amour (Paul later transformed into current Tool bassist: Justin Chancellor). Danny then bought a 4x4 plank of wood, and lightly nailed nails to it, he then bought hammer, and voila, he had a new drumset! Maynard finished the sound by buying an electric megaphone which he used to scream into, to produce the bands vocals.

After all these Power Tools were acquired, the band decided to change its name to The Carpenters, unfortunately for them, there already was a band called the Carpenters. So Adam went to The Carpenters studio, and proceeded to suck all their blood. Unluckily Adam was poisoned by the Carpenters gay-lovey-dovey pop music blood, so he went back to his bandmates and told them the sad news. His bandmates proceeded to call him a TOOL. Adam was so angered by his friends insults, decided to name the band Tool. Poor Adam.

Trivia

• The saying "Keeping up with the Joneses" originated from the Jones family and the Morello family competing to see who could breed the better guitarist.
• Adam Jones doesn't like to talk. But when de does like to talk, everyone is blessed by his angelic voice. If Tool were to make a reggae band, i.e. Bob Marley and the Wailers, he would be the greatest backup singer in the world. Almost as good as being the -3rd greatest guitarist.
• Adam likes drinking women's blood, but due to the lack of real women in Transylvania, Adam will have to live without women's blood for at least 35 minutes. Poor Adam.
• On every full moon Adam evolves into a Snorlax and meets up with his old school chum, Ash "covered in" Ketchup. Also on a full moon Adam likes to suck the blood out of people's ears. Poor, innocent, greedy, fat, chimpanzee like, bloody, evil Adam.